Unai Elorriaga: Plants Don't Drink Coffee

There was a big table in the middle of the room, a marble one, and lots of books on the walls. The priests had a mermaid in a corner next to the table, a big one, measuring one-and-a-half meters at least. Beckenbauer started at her like a man bewitched.

Don Fermin’s second lasted a quarter of an hour, and when he came out of the small door again he said: An emergency. And his face was relaxed now and he smelt of perfume, and his hair had obviously been combed again, with a bit of water. Afterwards he said: Don Juan isn’t here, no. He’s gone to hospital to have some blood tests done. Then he explained they’d taken Don Juan to the hospital early in the morning, and when he went for his blood tests he normally returned by eleven, which would be quite soon.

Then he said:

“Do you like airplanes, young men?”

Ball had never thought one way or the other whether he liked airplanes, but he said “Yes” and was immediately embarrassed by his own voice. His brother Beckenbauer kept stealing glances at the mermaid.

Don Fermin said that he had written an airplane guide ten years earlier, and showed it to them. Many of the airplanes were red, Mateo noticed. Beckenbauer looked at the mermaid much more than he looked at the book.

Don Fermin took the airplane guide, put it back on the shelf and asked Mateo:

“And what do you need Don Juan for, señe ?”

Mateo told him about Aitite Julian’s competition again, for the eighth time. Don Fermin said he had heard all that before; Don Juan had told him sometime ago, but he couldn’t remember it well. He said it was all probably written down in the church records. He said Don Juan wrote absolutely everything down on the church records, because Don Juan was obsessed with writing everything down. Then he asked what year the competition took place.

“1927.”

He took a ladder and went to fetch a red book from the shelves. He went through it methodically, as if he knew the book really well. And he said: They made beautiful planes in 1927. And then he said: Here it is, in June. Don Juan wrote about the competition in June.

Mateo felt his legs turn into jelly and concentrated all five of his senses on what Don Fermin was about to read. Some of the scenes noted down in the records were described with some strange humor. Clearly, Don Juan wrote them thinking no one would ever read them.

Don Fermin read that three Englishmen came to San Fausto’s church one evening at the beginning of May and had an extended conversation with Don Isidro, the parish priest. And the entire conversation was written down in the records, and not a detail was missing. The Englishmen explained to Don Isidro that they wanted to host a carpentry competition in the town, a competition between a local carpenter and a Welsh one, and they needed a big place, a tall place. They explained that both carpenters wanted to make big pieces for the competition, which was understandable, and they needed a place that was wide and tall. The church was the tallest place in the town and there was lots of room underneath the choir, so the church was obviously the best place. Initially Don Isidro said no, but he asked them who the local carpenter was. The Englishmen said “Mr. Julian Maldas” and Don Isidro’s face changed. He said he thought very highly of Julian. And that’s what it said in the church records: “Don Isidro thinks very highly of Julian Maldas.” And he told the Englishmen that, as a child, he’d been a great friend of Julian Maldas’ mother. After that he told them half his childhood, and the Englishmen feigned a little interest. Don Isidro told them he lived on Saldisu street as a child, and there were only two houses on Saldisu back then: his and Julian Maldas’ mom’s. And they used to play together, of course, Julian’s mom Felisa, and himself, Don Isidro, and they used to chase cats, and even torture them a little, making them eat lemons and olives, including the pits. And he said they used to swim together at night in summer, and he officiated the marriage of Felisa and Jose Maldas. And he baptized Julian.

It said in the church records that after telling them all that Don Isidro became very emotional and completely changed his mind. He said yes to the Englishmen, but he made some demands as well. Don Isidro said no work could take place inside the church during mass. Don Isidro discussed rent too, and told the Englishmen how much he would charge them per day. And finally, he said the pieces the carpenters made for the competition would have to remain with the church after the competition, at least one of the two. The Englishmen agreed to all of his demands.

After that the church records described the competition a bit: how they brought the materials into the church, how they set up underneath the choir. . It also said that the Welshman was very tall and used to say huge long prayers in Welsh before starting to work. Even the Lord’s Prayer. And his nose practically touched his chin and this made him look like a good person. And it also said that the stone apostles left the church more often than the carpenters did. And they spent weeks like that, working inside the church, underneath the choir. But it didn’t say anything else about the competition; that was the end of the church records. It didn’t say who won, how the story ended. Don Fermin looked at the months ahead as well as the previous ones, but there were no more comments on the competition. Don Fermin even took the 1928 and 1929 books down from the shelves, but there was no trace of the competition anywhere else. Don Fermin said That’s odd.

Waiting for Don Juan

Don Juan arrived in the vestry at ten to twelve. He walked very precariously: he used two canes and a man held him by his left arm. The man left Don Juan on a chair and left.

It took Don Juan a few minutes to notice the presence of Mateo, Ball, and his brother. He said:

“Look here: three anarchists in the vestry.”

And he told them:

“Do you play tennis? Anarchists play a lot of tennis. And Counts do too. Counts and anarchists are the kind of people who, right now, play tennis most.”

And he told them:

“Me too, I’m more of an anarchist than a priest.”

Don Fermin winked at Mateo, Ball and his brother, as if to say Forgive Don Juan, he always says things like that, don’t pay any attention. But Don Juan caught him winking. Which made him furious. So he said:

“Have you been to the bathroom today yet, Don Fermin?” then he turned to Ball and continued talking: “Don Fermin goes to the toilet everyday exactly at ten thirty. Like clockwork; never seen anything like it. Don Fermin couldn’t be an anarchist if he tried. Did you show them the airplanes, Don Fermin?”

Don Fermin said he had and didn’t wink again. He sat in a corner of the vestry for the rest of the afternoon looking glum.

Don Juan then asked Mateo what they were doing in the vestry in the middle of the day. He asked them did they want to marry or join the seminary. Afterwards he told three or four anecdotes about his time in the seminary and said you need to be very artful to play soccer in a soutane.

Mateo said they didn’t want to marry or join the seminary, and explained Aitite Julian’s story again. He told Don Juan that’s what they wanted to know; what happened in the carpentry competition, who won, who lost. Don Juan’s face lightened up; it was clear he remembered Julian Maldas very well. And the Welshman. And the year, 1927. And the competition the Englishmen organized.

“Julian Maldas was an artist,” said Don Juan. “And a big heathen.”

He was silent for a while, thinking. Then he said:

“No. Julian wasn’t a heathen. I think he was probably a Hindu. I’ve studied Hinduism in depth. I think I am probably more of a Hindu than a Christian myself.”