John Powys - Rodmoor

The unfairness of the thing was constantly being accentuated and made worse by the fact of her having so often to listen to bitter and sarcastic diatribes from both Adrian and his friend, directed towards her sex in general. A sort of motiveless jibing against women seemed indeed one of the favourite pastimes of the two men and Nance’s presence, when this topic came forward, ward, appeared rather to enhance than mitigate their hostility.

On one or two occasions of this kind, Dr. Raughty had happened to be present and Nance felt she would never forget her gratitude to this excellent man for the genial and ironical way he reduced them to silence.

“I’m glad you have invented,” he would say to them, “so free and inexpensive a way of getting born. You’ve only to give us a little more independence and death will be equally satisfactory.”

On this particular afternoon, however, Baltazar was not encouraging Sorio in any misogynistic railings. On the contrary he was endeavouring to soothe his friend who at that moment was in one of his worst moods.

“Why doesn’t she come?” he kept jerking out. “She knows perfectly how I hate waiting in the street.”

“Come and sit down under the trees,” suggested Baltazar. “She’s sure to come out on the green to look for you and we can see her from there.”

They moved off accordingly and sat down, side by side, with a group of village people under the ancient sycamores. Above them the nameless Admiral looked steadily seawards and in the shadow thrown by the trees several ragged little girls were playing sleepily on the burnt-up grass.

“It’s extraordinary,” Sorio remarked, “what a lot of human beings there are in the world who would be best out of it! They get on my nerves, these people. I think I hear them more clearly and feel them nearer me here than ever before in my life. Every person in a place like this becomes more important and asserts himself more, and the same is true of every sound. If you want really to escape from humanity there are only two things to do, either go right away into the desert where there’s not a living soul or go into some large city where you’re absolutely lost in the crowd. This half-and-half existence is terrible.”

“My dear, my dear,” protested his companion, “you keep complaining and grumbling but for the life of me I can’t make out what it is that actually annoys you. By the way, don’t utter your sentiments too loudly! These honest people will not understand.”

“What annoys me — you don’t understand what annoys me?” muttered the other peevishly. “It annoys me to be stared at. It annoys me to be called out after. It annoys me to be recognized. I can’t move from your door without seeing some face I know and what’s still worse, seeing that face put on a sort of silly, inquisitive, jeering look, as much as to say, ‘Ho! Ho! here is that idiot again. Here is that fool who sponges upon Mr. Stork! Here is that spying foreign devil!’”

“Adrian — Adrian,” protested his companion, “you really are becoming impossible. I assure you these people don’t say or think anything of the kind! They just see you and greet you and wish you well and pass on upon their own concerns.”

“Oh, don’t they, don’t they,” cried the other, forgetting in his agitation to modulate his voice and causing a sudden pause in the conversation that was going on at their side. “Don’t they think these things! I know humanity better. Every single person who meets another person and knows anything at all about him wants to show that he’s a match for his little tricks, that he’s not deceived by his little ways, that he knows where he gets his money or doesn’t get it and what woman he wants or doesn’t want and which of his parents he wishes dead and buried! I tell you you’ve no idea what human beings are really like! You haven’t any such idea, for the simple reason that you’re absolutely hard and self-centred yourself. You go your own way. You think your own thoughts. You create your own fancy-world. And the rest of humanity are nothing — mere pawns and puppets and dream-figures — nothing — simply nothing! I’m a completely different nature from you, Tassar. I’ve got my idea — my secret — but I’d rather not talk about that and you’d rather not hear. But apart from that, I’m simply helpless. I mean I’m helplessly conscious of everything round me! I’m porous to things. It’s really quite funny. It’s just as if I hadn’t any skin, as if my soul hadn’t any skin. Everything that I see, or hear, Tassar — and the hearing is worse, oh, ever so much worse — passes straight through me, straight through the very nerves of my inmost being. I feel sometimes as though my mind were like a piece of parchment, stretched out taut and tight and every single thing that comes near me taps against it, tip-tap, tip-tap, tip-tap, as if it were a drum! That wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t that I know so horribly clearly what people are thinking. For instance, when I go down that alley to the station, as I shall soon with Nance, and pass the workmen at their doors, I know perfectly well that they’ll look at me and say to themselves, ‘There goes that fool again,’ or, ‘There goes that slouching idiot from the cottage,’ but that’s not all, Tassar. They soon have the sense to see that I’m the kind of person who shrinks from being noticed and that pleases them. They nudge one another then and look more closely at me. They do their best to make me understand that they know their power over me and intend to use it, intend to nudge one another and look at me every time I pass. I can read exactly what their thoughts are. They say to themselves, ‘He may slink off now but he’ll have to come this way again and then we’ll see! Then we’ll look at him more closely. Then we’ll find out what he’s after in these parts and why that pretty girl puts up with him so long!’”

He was interrupted at that moment by a roar of laughter from the group beside them and Baltazar rose and pulled him away. “Upon my soul, Adrian,” he whispered, as he led him back across the green, “you must behave better! You’ve given those honest fellows something to gossip about for a week. They’ll think you really are up to something, you can’t shout like that without being listened to and you can’t quarrel with the whole of humanity.”

Adrian turned fiercely round on him. “Can’t I?” he exclaimed. “Can’t I quarrel with humanity? You wait, my friend, till I’ve got my book published. Then you’ll see! I tell you I’ll strike this cursed human race of yours such a blow that they’ll wish they’d treated a poor wanderer on the face of the earth a little better and spared him something of their prying and peering!”

“Your book!” laughed Baltazar. “A lot they’ll care for your book! That’s always the way with you touchy philosophers. You stir up the devil of a row with your bad temper and make the most harmless people into enemies and then you think you can settle it all and prove yourselves right and everybody else wrong by writing a book. Upon my soul, Adrian, if I didn’t love you very much indeed I’d be inclined to let you loose on life just to see whether you or it could strike the hardest blows!”

Sorio looked at him with a curiously bewildered look. He seemed puzzled. His swarthy Roman face wore a clouded, weary, crushed expression. His brow contracted into an anxious frown and his mouth quivered. His air at that moment was the air of a very young child that suddenly finds the world much harder to deal with than it expected.

Baltazar watched him with secret pleasure. These were the occasions when he always felt strangely drawn towards him. That look of irresolute and bewildered weakness upon a countenance so powerfully moulded filled him with a most delicate sense of protective pity. He could have embraced the man as he watched him, blinking there in the afternoon sunshine, and fumbling with the handle of his stick.