Alice Adams - Invincible Summer

Besides, he admitted to himself ruefully, he wasn’t as young as he used to be. Did he even have the energy and enthusiasm for the game anymore? It was like anything else in life, you had to be hungry for it to do it properly and succeed. And what he needed was a real woman, not some, some. . flibbertigibbet. Christ, he was starting to sound like one of the Victorian novels he’d read in the prison library. He thought about how hard Eva had laughed when she’d found him on the sofa with the copy of Pride and Prejudice that he’d smuggled out with him because he was only halfway through it when his release date came around.

Now Eva, there was a real woman. Like him, she was down on her luck right now, but she’d always had substance, which was exactly what those stupid girls today didn’t have. And she was loyal and faithful and that was what a man needed, he reflected sentimentally over another drink. Not the sort to embarrass a man on a bus, to kick a man when he was down. She’d waited all these years for him, after all. Well, she hadn’t exactly been waiting for him, he corrected himself, but she’d always wanted him and they’d both always known it. He’d taken advantage of that somewhat in the past, he’d be the first to admit it, but with the older, wiser head he had on him now he could see she would be good for him.

‘She’s always needed me,’ he told the new friend he’d got talking to at the next table, an oldish bloke named Derek with glasses and a bibulous nose. ‘Cheers for this, mate, much appreciated,’ he added, raising another pint to his lips.

‘Bitches, they’re all bitches,’ muttered Derek. ‘Let me tell you about my ex-wife.’ He proceeded to do so at length, but Lucien didn’t mind as long as he continued to punctuate his story with rounds of drinks. It was midnight and the pub was closing when the tales of recrimination drew to a close.

‘Back to mine, mate?’ asked Derek, but Lucien had formulated a plan that he was raring to put into action. He needed to see Eva, to tell her what he’d decided about their being together, and he needed to do it tonight.

‘Sorry, mate. I’ve got to go and see this girl. The one I was telling you about.’

‘I wouldn’t bother, mate. She’s bound to be a bitch.’

But of course Eva wasn’t a bitch, whatever Derek said. It was still a good fifteen-minute walk, but Lucien didn’t feel the cold. The stars swirled above him and he felt as though he was floating. It was an epiphany, that’s what he was having. Eva would make him happy, and of course he would make her happy too. She hadn’t been doing too well lately according to Sylvie, who’d told him a while back that she seemed so depressed for so long after losing her job and being dumped by The Plank that she’d been quite worried about her.

Eva didn’t seem all that depressed to him, though. She was taking herself off to the library every day to work on this big business idea of hers. She seemed quiet and thoughtful, but not about to jump off Beachy Head. She was just like him in many ways. They had both been hit by adverse circumstances, but they were both going to pull themselves back up again. More than that, they could pull each other back up again. Down the line they could get a place together, once she managed to sell her flat. He didn’t know how much equity she had in it, but it was surely quite a bit, what with how much she used to earn, and they could both get jobs. Maybe even have a couple of kids, seeing as everyone said it was so great.

Hell, he was getting ahead of himself now, but when you thought about it, it all made perfect sense. He was at the front door now, struggling to get his key into any one of the locks hovering in front of him. The house was dark and quiet. Everyone would be in bed and Sylvie would be angry if he rang the bell. After several abortive stabs into the wood of the doorjamb, he hit gold and slid the key home with a satisfying scrape of metal on metal. He staggered into the hallway and instead of turning left into the sitting room towards his makeshift bed on the sofa Lucien mounted the stairs, weaving unsteadily up to the first-floor landing.

He stopped outside Eva’s door, foggily working out his next move. There was really only one way to make an announcement of this magnitude, and that was naked. After all, she would be in bed, naked or nearly naked, and she’d surely want him to join her after he’d said his piece. No point ruining the moment by forcing her to wait while he wrestled his socks off, he always hated that bit. Lucien dropped his clothes onto the landing carpet and opened the door. It was completely dark inside the room and he suddenly realized there was something he ought to have done beforehand, which was to relieve his aching bladder. No matter; here was the door to the en suite. Ahh, that was better. Suddenly the whole room glowed and for a moment he thought maybe this was part of the thing, the epiphany, but then a voice behind him spoke and he realized that someone had turned the light on.

‘What the fuck are you doing?’ said Eva.

‘Shh,’ he told her, lurching backwards and putting his hands out to stop himself falling onto the bed, so that the warm stream of urine ran down his legs. Suddenly the whole thing seemed really funny, this situation, and even life itself, and his effervescent happiness burst forth. ‘I’ve got something important to tell you,’ he gasped, struggling to get the words out through bursts of laughter.

‘Lucien, you’re drunk. And naked. And. . oh my God, were you taking a piss in my wardrobe?’

Eva didn’t sound as happy as he was, but she would do in a minute because he was about to make her the happiest woman alive.

‘I know, I know, that’sh all true but none of it matters because I love you.’

‘You what?’

‘I love you and I think we should be together. Eva Andrewsh, I fucking love you!’

‘Oh my God, you’re actually pissing on my bed!’

*

Lucien wasn’t feeling as good as he’d expected. He’d made his announcement but was hazily aware that it wasn’t being as well received as it ought to have been, and in addition the room was spinning and there was a sort of slithery feeling in his stomach. He leant back heavily on the bed just as his oesophagus contracted, forcing the contents of his booze-filled stomach to leap up into his throat and be expelled through his mouth with considerable force. For a moment he felt terribly relieved, and then Eva, the bed, the wall, the lamp and everything else receded into darkness.

*

Consciousness returned in brutal phases. The room was dim, but even the watery light pouring through the curtains slammed into his eyes like a wall of pain. His skull contained a curdled egg. That thought aroused the ire of his stomach, which threatened to crawl out through his parched mouth. The air was heavy with the stench of urine and vomit. He became aware of a figure standing above him silhouetted against the light, soothingly blocking the source of anguish and giving off the glow of a celestial being.

‘Here,’ said Eva. ‘I brought you a cup of tea.’

‘You’re an angel,’ croaked Lucien. ‘A ministering angel.’

‘Well, it’s more than you deserve. Do you remember what you did last night?’

He gave it some thought. At first his memory was an empty void, but then dreadful snippets started to flow back to him.

‘I may have. . declared my love to you?’

‘Yes. Naked. While simultaneously urinating on yourself. And on my bed. And then you. .’

‘Oh, Christ.’ Suddenly it was all there, clear as day. ‘I told you that we were meant to be together, then I threw up and passed out?’

‘That’s about the size of it. And now for the good news. Your new boss phoned and he says that even though you’re late for your first day of work, if you’re there within the next hour he won’t fire you. I’ve booked you a taxi. You have ten minutes to shower and dress.’