Alice Adams - Invincible Summer

And then, of course, there was the other loss, not even really her own but nevertheless the one in front of her every day. Eva had fallen in love with Allegra right alongside Sylvie, and the baby had seemed to blossom with their love, making progress even as the doctors warned them not to expect too much, slowly but surely learning to eat and take a few steps and say a few words. But even as they celebrated each milestone, they both knew that the loss was profound. At the moment of Allegra’s birth, they had lost a part of her that would prevent her from ever growing into the person she should have been, and in private they each grieved for the Allegra who would one day have reached her full potential without the agonies of learning difficulties and cerebral palsy, the Allegra who should have been looking forward to a life of first kisses and first days at university instead of leg braces and Statements of Educational Need.

*

The sky darkened and the rain began to fall, softly at first and then harder as Eva turned and headed for home along the edge of the Heath. She paused to fix the rain cover over the buggy, ensconcing Allegra in a warm, dry bubble. The raindrops hit the ground as she walked, splashing into puddles and rustling into piles of leaves and sliding onto the tarmac under the roaring wheels of the cars that were making their way up East Heath Road in ever-increasing numbers as rush hour took hold. The watery symphony prevented Allegra from hearing Eva crying quietly, the sound instead floating up into the sky unheard and out into a universe in which babies were born disabled and mothers died and people were deserted by those they loved.

Eva opened unenthusiastic eyes and peered out into another new day. What to do with it? On balance, she thought, she would spend it in bed just like she had the day before, and if she was honest, like quite a few more days over the last month.

It had started with a cold, a bad one with burning eyes and a hacking cough and a throat so sore she could barely speak.

‘We’d better quarantine you,’ Sylvie said after taking a look at her. ‘There’s no way you’re giving that to Allegra, she’d be back in hospital in an instant.’

So Eva had gathered some supplies and stayed in her room. After a few days, the bug had subsided but the days were getting short and cold and every morning it was harder to motivate herself to get out of bed. The world outside was full of noise and friction and the streets were crowded with people smiling and talking on phones, people with things to do and places to go. Eva, by contrast, walked through the streets like a ghost. Whenever she went out, she wanted nothing more than to be back in her room where there was no reminder of what she was or what she should be. She never felt hungry, so she was shrinking and that felt right too, that she was occupying less space. The layer of residual fat from her trading years had melted away. Sometimes she fantasized that the process would continue until she disappeared altogether.

*

‘That’s enough now,’ Sylvie said from the foot of the bed the next morning. ‘You’re going to have to pull yourself together, because if I have to look at your miserable face any longer I’ll jump off a fucking bridge.’ She paused then continued when no reaction was forthcoming from Eva. ‘You’ve lost your job and a boyfriend you didn’t particularly like, not the use of your legs. It’s only a job. And a boyfriend. You can get another one of each. You just need to get out of bed and pull yourself together.’

Eva stared up at the ceiling. ‘I can’t get another job, not in the City, anyway. And what the hell else can I do? Go off and become a yoga teacher?’

‘I don’t know,’ snapped Sylvie. ‘But you’ll get another job eventually and everything will be fine. So what if Julian left you? He should have done it ages ago, you never loved him and frankly it showed.’ She sat down heavily on the edge of the bed and rubbed her eyes. ‘Look, I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but, to be honest, it’s quite hard to stomach when all of your problems are temporary. In a year’s time they will probably all have disappeared. I face far bigger challenges than you every single day, and do you know what I do? I get on with it.’

‘I know you do. You’ve been really brave,’ conceded Eva.

Sylvie shrugged. ‘Brave? Everyone loves going on about how brave I am and isn’t it great that I’m coping so well, because they need a narrative that tells them everything’s okay. And guess what? Everything’s not okay, and it’s not going to be okay, and I still get out of bed every morning and stick a smile on my face even if I feel like my heart is breaking, because what’s the alternative? That’s life. You play the hand you’re dealt.’ Sylvie stood up and moved over to the door, adding as she left the room, ‘There used to be more fight in you than this. Pull it back, Eva, because we still need you.’

The irritation Eva felt at Sylvie’s lecture was the strongest sensation to pierce her listlessness in weeks. Sure, Sylvie had problems, but she didn’t have a monopoly on them. One person having a very bad time didn’t nullify everyone else’s troubles. And hadn’t Eva been right there beside her every single step of the way? Yes, Allegra was Sylvie’s daughter and it was hardest for her, but she wasn’t the only one who loved her, had been devastated for her, fretted about the future.

But it was indignation rather than anger, and it dissipated quickly, leaving in its wake an acceptance that everything Sylvie had said to her was basically fair enough. Later that day she got out of bed and took Allegra for a walk for the first time in weeks, and when she woke early the next morning, her torpor had lifted a little. She noticed the birds singing outside and their tones sounded clearer, sharper. Eva dressed and went down to the kitchen and made coffee, taking satisfaction as the beans in the grinder moved from an agitated rattle to a smooth whirr. She poured a mug and took it upstairs.

Sylvie looked thin and tired, Eva noted as she watched her friend sit up in bed and take the drink from her hands. Her eyes were puffy and her arms protruded stick-like from her nightie, and her hair was a two-tone tangle of light brown roots and copper ends.

‘I’ll get Allegra up and do breakfast this morning,’ Eva told her.

‘Are you sure you’re okay on your own?’ Sylvie raised a sceptical eyebrow. ‘You’ve got to be really careful to make sure she doesn’t choke. And she’s getting so uncooperative about having her nappy changed, she had a tantrum and nearly fell off the changing table yesterday.’

Eva held up a reassuring hand to halt her. ‘I know I’ve not exactly been showcasing my resourcefulness lately, but I can handle this. Have a lie-in and I’ll call you if we run into any trouble.’

*

As the days slowly grew longer, a tide was turning. Despite keeping her feelers out no job offers had materialized, and after almost a year on the market the flat still hadn’t sold, but with the lighter days came a sense of optimism so pervasive that Eva decided to take the plunge and try to raise capital for the business idea that had been niggling at her for years. She quietly worked up a business plan, but the trouble was that there couldn’t have been a worse time because the banks weren’t lending. The credit crunch had made capital scarce and there weren’t exactly millions of investors out there looking to put their cash into risky start-ups, as Eva explained to Sylvie over breakfast one morning.

Sylvie looked up from spooning porridge into the mouth of an uncooperative Allegra, who was using her good hand to smear the lumpy gruel across the table. ‘Well,’ she said, ‘there’s always me.’