James Kelman - Dirt Road

The audience laughed at something Lancey was saying, then loud applause; whistling and cheering. It was for Queen Monzee-ay. She gave a wave to the audience. They were all appreciating her. They all seemed to know who she was. Everybody. All clapping her, including the band, who were all quite old themselves. Murdo hadnt noticed until now. Maybe they were genuine all-stars.

Queen Monzee-ay was leaning to chat a moment with the bass guitarist and drummer while Lancey was pointing to folk in the audience he knew and some were known musicians too. He spoke in French and repeated some of it in English.

It was brilliant. This is what Murdo felt, so strongly. He was just lucky. So so lucky. If only this! It was another world. An amazing-mazing thing. Lancey introduced the next song, tradeesheeonalll. People got up to dance to the front and down the sides. A few stood having a smoke and chatting, moved aside to allow the dancers space.

With the dancing going other spare seats became available, including at the very back row and Murdo found one fast. He placed the accordeon-case by his feet and removed the rucksack altogether. He sat a moment then breathed out slowly, at last, just being able to breathe . Not worrying about stuff. Hearing the music, watching the band.

All the different styles too, and seeing the dancers; everything, just relaxed, here he was and everything was okay.

That was a thing here how folk were relaxed, just like chatting, whatever. Even with the band playing. Back home there were guys Murdo played with got irritated by people talking. But what is wrong in people talking? They are having fun, and being friendly. What is wrong with being friendly!

Aunt Edna! Jees! Aunt Edna! She was on the edge of the third front row, way down from Murdo but on the same side, next to a guy in a cowboy hat which was black and studded.

Aunt Edna had that upright way about her. Even sitting down. Her and the cowboy guy were making comments, their heads turning to each other, cheery comments and laughing. Sarah was farther along from her, sitting next to a guy. Joel was there too, but Murdo didnt recognize the guy sitting beside Sarah.

He was sitting beside her. He was with her. Seeing how close they were sitting, he definitely was. Murdo raised himself up from the seat to get a clearer view. The guy was close in to her. Even like their shoulders touching; they looked like they were. Squeezed in. Although other people were too. It was funny but. Not funny, it just meant — whatever. What did it mean? It meant like they were sitting close together and it was as close, closer, than her and Joel. Joel was on the other side and there was a big space between them, and he was her brother. So ha ha. Whatever that was. It meant something; whatever it meant, that is what it meant.

While the next song was being introduced, Aunt Edna and the guy in the black studded cowboy hat got up and strolled to the smoking area. Aunt Edna was a smoker but the guy wasnt, he was just keeping her company.

Aunt Edna turned to gaze in Murdo’s direction but would never see him unless he waved. He didnt wave. He didnt, otherwise

He didnt feel like talking.

Ye think things and they are stupid.

Sarah was saying something to the guy, half turned to him, and their faces like close, how could faces be so close? Obviously they couldnt. If yer face was as close as that ye would have been touching, touching faces: touching faces is kissing. What else is kissing?

Murdo sat back on the seat.

Things that are daft. This is life. Ye think things. Just stupid. Girls are girls and guys are just like, just the usual.

How could he go home? He didnt have enough money. The bus cost too much. He would have to hitch. He would hitch. The road out of Lafayette was okay for hitching, it wasnt like a real interstate where ye couldnt stand. Hitch it to Baton Rouge and then up the way to Jackson and over to Birmingham, although Birmingham, ye wanted to pass it by because of that damn church and what happened to the girls, where they were killed; that bloody bomb, that was like America, that was America, that was ha ha ha, killing and bombing and battering and just bloody horrible and he wanted away, away away away, he wanted away.

Murdo crouched forwards, arms folded and resting on his knees, just how he was feeling was the stupidity, just like stupidity. Murdo and stupidity. Dad would say it. Life. Murdo’s life. Stupidity. Talk about stupidity, that was him, he was just daft. Daft. Some guys got lassies but he didnay; beautiful lassies, he didnay get any. He didnay. He had a girlfriend before and she went with another guy. Imagine that. Just like

That is what happened. That guy had sex with her and Murdo didnt. That was the truth and he knew it for a fact. She had sex with him but not with Murdo. How come? Ye just like — ye have to think, ye have to think…ye have to, ye just like worry worry, ye worry about it, if ye’ve done something wrong, something like whatever; if it is your fault, ye wonder, or maybe like if ye are gay, so it is like maybe I’m gay and that is what it is, like if the lassie doesnay fancy ye, how come? if ye are gay, maybe ye are. The guy in the toilet. Then him in Allentown offering a lift, jeesoh, how come? How come these guys

like if it was a real lift, how come Murdo didnt take it? Ye wonder about that. How come he didnay take the lift? If ye want to hitch it then somebody offers and ye dont take it. How come?

Just something. Something. Probably nothing; probably he was a good guy and just helpful. He knew Sarah’s father. It would just be stupid, just Murdo like how — whatever, he was daft, he did daft things, said the wrong things. Grow up, why didnt he?

Ye got sick of it, sick of yerself. Everything was mixed up. The guy was trying to be helpful and ye said no. He was black. So if he was white? Was that something? People were white, or else black. Sarah was black and American. Murdo was white and Scottish. White and Scottish. He twisted on his seat, pulling on the rucksack, set to leave. He breathed in and it made a snorting sound. He closed his eyes and sat there, and settled the breathing, forcing it measured, measured; one two three; one, one; one two three, one two three. He breathed in.

He gripped the handle of the accordeon-case but didnt get up off the seat, he just breathed in; breathing in, breathing out, breathing in, breathing out, because he didnt want to get up off the seat but just stay there and nothing. None of it was like anything; nothing at all; everything was something else. He let go the handle of the accordeon-case and slunk even further down, still on the edge of the seat. He shouldnt have put the rucksack on but he had and he couldnt take it back off without getting up off the seat and he didnt want to in case anybody saw him. He wasnt going to the gig tonight, he was not going. Never.

What is life? “Life”? When Mum died her face changed. Her actual face and like the shape of it, the cheekbones maybe. It wasnt Mum’s face. Was that pain? Maybe it was. Twisted up with pain. Heavy heavy morphine drugs. They gave her morphine. Somebody said that. Who told them? Why not Murdo? If you are the son how come they dont tell you? Oh Mum is dying, maybe ye can find out for yerself. Oh well. Life is life. Sarah and she’s got a boyfriend. What did Queen Monzee-ay think? There was Murdo and there was whoever. People see ye. Ye get these thoughts about people too, that they know what you are thinking. They say it to ye: Oh I know what you’re thinking. But do they? They cant see into yer brain. So if a guy looks at ye and he is gay then is that you? Maybe it is, so if ye are, so what? Dad is like Oh ye have to do this and ye have to do that. It was just daft bloody nonsense, so if ye were gay, however life is, so what, it is all just plus 1, everybody and nothing. It was all just stupid. Ye look in the mirror and see other people. Because they are seeing you. Ye see yer own face but these other folk too, how come they are all there? They say something so you have to go along with it. You make a decision but it is their life too.