Julia Franck - Back to Back

Let me share it; I’ll share the ten pounds of sugar with everyone who comes to see us, we’ll let the tea trolley stand there in the corner, and you can tell your friends the story of your criminal child, and I’ll tell them my story about communism, and we’ll invite them to help themselves — go ahead, take as much as you want.

I’ll be in the studio. With these words Käthe stood up and marched to the door.

Why didn’t you come looking for us when we were out in the boat? Ella called after her. You didn’t even notice we were missing! Not for three days, not for three nights, and all the time we were out on the stupid Müggelsee until our boat capsized. The water was icy. We were lucky it happened so close to the bank; who knows how long we could have swum in the lake?

What were you thinking of?

You didn’t miss us one whole evening, one whole day, you didn’t miss us for a moment! Not until we came home dripping wet and shivering, and then you were beside yourself. We had to tell you we’d been gone for three days, out on the Müggelsee at a temperature of zero. And you wouldn’t believe us. People don’t exist for you unless they’re in front of your eyes. You don’t bother about anyone but the poor –

You two taught yourselves a good lesson. A sense of responsibility for yourself begins –

You’re cruel, you and your sense of responsibility. You want to be a heroine for everyone in society, people can’t be poor enough to please you, you’re sorry for the poor — but with your children you suddenly go on about taking responsibility for themselves! Every man for himself, and where will your society be then?

Don’t shout like that, Ella, it reminds me of your father.

As if there were still poor people today. There are only good people, heroes every one of them.

Käthe coolly scrutinised her from head to toe. Take a look in the mirror, my girl, you’re sixteen today, it’s about time you stopped wailing and complaining so much. Clear the table. She pushed the door handle down and turned back once more. It’s eight thirty, school has begun, so why are you still hanging around here?

Just as you like. I’ll be off.

Ella didn’t have to explain anything else, because Käthe had already gone out of the room, closing the door behind her.

Ella did not clear the table. She stuck the handle of the spoon into the top of the sugar mountain. The spoon tipped over sideways. Ella switched off the light; it was fully day now. Thomas wasn’t around any longer. He must have gone to school, he hated arriving late, while she was late all the time. She hadn’t been to school much at all recently. Two boys were in love with her; she made eyes at them both and didn’t love either of them. She enjoyed the soulful looks of a handsome lad known to everyone as Johnny, who had all the girls hanging on his every word, what with the circles under his eyes and his slight squint, but few sounds ever passed his lips. Everyone at school knew about him. They had once danced rock’n’roll together, Ella in the petticoat she had made for herself and nothing on underneath it, he with the circles under his eyes and his longing glances. At the end of the night Ella had turned away, drunk with his unspoken love and already rather tired of it. She had given the last dance to short-legged Siegfried, who had then triumphantly taken her home on his moped. Inflamed by the jealousy with which he had watched Ella and Johnny all evening, Siegfried kissed her stormily before she had made it to the steps up to the front door. Legs, Ella, legs! His thick hair smelled of grease and the night’s cigarette smoke. Ella had only just opened the door when he came in with her, she hung her jacket up on its hook, and he kissed her arms and the hollows of her armpits. She laughed, and he kissed her open mouth; she retreated, and he followed her until they had both landed in her room and on her bed. Door closed, Siegfried on his knees, he had kept his leather jacket on, the peaked cap was still on his head, slightly askew and crumpled; it was meant to make everyone think of Marlon Brando. The rough, see-through chiffon of her petticoat was scratching Ella’s throat, a brief pain, a slight burning sensation, and Siegfried was rocking up and down in defiant delight. Ella didn’t move, she didn’t think of Marlon Brando, she was watching her toes in the air. The petticoat was tickling her nose now, and she didn’t want to sneeze.

Johnny and Siegfried were not the only boys to have fallen for Ella, but they had fallen so heavily that within a few months Ella could hardly walk into the school without finding herself faced with making a firm decision. A decision that she didn’t want to make, and still less could she make it. Ella listened for sounds in the house, for anything that might tell her Käthe was coming upstairs to her studio, for a key turning in the lock and the lodger coming in, although he hadn’t been here since early January. But nothing stirred, she heard only the pendulum of the grandfather clock and, in the distance, the dog barking, perhaps because the postman had come into the yard. Käthe’s shoulder bag was hanging over the armchair; it was made of green leather and printed in a way that made it look like the skin of a reptile. She found the large purse embroidered with a black-and-white pattern. She opened the catch, took out a ten-mark note and six large silver coins, and put it back inside the reptile.

Ella waited at the tram stop until she couldn’t feel her toes for the cold. She let six trams come and go before she boarded one, and she stayed in it until it reached the terminus. On the way back she got out at Friedrichshagen. For twenty pfennigs she sat in the cinema, where there were only children and pensioners at this time of day. All winter the same film had been showing, The Tale of Poor Hassan, who was blamed for his naivety as a believer; of course the rich and powerful had blamed him for his poverty and thought up God only to enslave people like him. God as a calculating instrument of the exploiters. When the film ended it was nearly two. Ella bought herself a roll and dripping and munched it as she waited under the suburban railway bridge for Thomas. He would change trains here when he came out of school.

What have you got me as a present? she asked breathlessly when she had spotted him in the crowd streaming out of the station doorway, had run after him and put both her hands over his eyes from behind.

Thomas ducked to shake free of them, and turned to face her. The headmaster wants Käthe to come and talk to him. You can’t stay on at the school if you don’t attend.

So?

No final exam, no university studies. Thomas was looking earnestly at Ella.

Will I need them?

Here, I’m to give you this from Johnny. Thomas opened his briefcase and took out a small picture frame containing some pressed flowers behind glass. Ella squinted at the picture they made, oh no, please not!

Thomas took a letter out of his jacket pocket. And this is from Siegfried.

Ella turned away. I don’t feel well.

And happy birthday from Michael too, he’d be pleased if we go to the garden at the weekend. We were going to tell you together, but you didn’t come to school.

A surprise?

We’ve been raising a plant for you. It really grows only in South America. We made a biotope under glass for it. You’ll see.

Is it in flower?

Let it be a surprise. And Roland says happy birthday, he asked if you’re having a party.

We’re having a party on our own, just you and me. I’ve got the money, we’re going to the Johannishof.

I’m supposed to give this to you. The letter shook in Thomas’s hand; he had been holding it out to her for some time. Siegfried wants you to read it when you’re alone.