A. Yehoshua - Open Heart

She was the fourth woman I had been to bed with, but she was the only one who gave me the feeling that I was guiding a great sailing ship into a deep-water harbor. In contrast to the others, who alarmed me with sudden cries and deep sighs, throughout our lovemaking she did not utter a single sound; even her breathing remained quiet and gentle, as if the surprise at her acquiescence blocked any wish for a more intense pleasure. It turned out that this was the first time she had ever cheated on Lazar. This was a fact she felt she had to confide in me the moment she freed herself from my arms and stood up hastily to put on her clothes. I believed her, and in the pride that filled my heart there was also some sadness for what had happened to her. In order to prove to her that she could always trust me, I didn’t go to look for my clothes, which were lying on the floor in the other room, but remained naked, sitting on the bed with my legs crossed. “You’re like that crazy German pilot who went up in a light plane, penetrated all the radar screens, and landed in Red Square in Moscow,” she said suddenly, with a slightly resentful smile, gathering her hair into a bun on top of her head. “I don’t understand how you succeeded in penetrating the inner sanctum of my respectable married life.” Did she really expect an answer from me? I thought as I drew in my head between my shoulders and held my tongue, afraid to say something that she might interpret as contemptuous of her and Lazar’s marriage, the beauty of which I had observed at close quarters during our trip and whose secret I had wished to crack by touching her body. She pulled her boots onto her long, slender legs, and when the telephone suddenly rang she said in a matter-of-fact voice, without a trace of anxiety, “That must be Lazar,” and she hurried into the next room. She didn’t shut the door behind her, although she spoke in a very low voice. But I had no desire to overhear their conversation as I sat on a corner of the bed alone and naked, like a fakir leaning against a temple wall, and contemplated the darkness spreading through the bedroom of the old lady who might be sitting and drinking tea in her old-age home at this minute, with no idea of what had just happened on her bed. Then she came back, stepping briskly, with her coat on and her face made up. “It wasn’t Lazar,” she said with a serious expression. “It was a friend of my mother’s. You’ll have to be prepared to take calls from her friends, and give them her number at the home. Which I don’t have to give you, since you already know it.”

“But what’s going to happen to us?” I asked in a tone of despair, suddenly feeling that there was no heavy gold chain here but only the thinnest of threads, which was liable to snap at any moment. “Nothing will happen to us,” she answered seriously. “Forget it. It was an episode. You know that it’s total madness for me. There’s no future in it. You can afford it, you’re still free — I can’t. You’re a bachelor, and a bachelor is much more dangerous than a married man.” I kept quiet, because I sensed that whatever she said now had no power, for if I had begun it — only I could end it. But my heart contracted in pain for her, and I couldn’t help reaching out to her. She hesitated, thinking that my lust had overcome me again, and then she gave in and took my hand. “Are you surprised I fell in love with you?” I asked her. She thought for a moment, her head slightly bent at a charming angle, and then said, “Yes. It’s strange and it’s superfluous. Even though I’ve heard of similar things happening to people I know. But you’re so young, really — what do you need a woman like me for? Tell me, aren’t you cold sitting there like that?”

“Yes, but I don’t want to get dressed yet and lose the smell of your body.” She blushed, but the smile didn’t leave her eyes, and she came closer and lightly kissed my eyes and stroked my hair. “If the phone rings now, you don’t have to answer. But if you pick it up by mistake and it’s Lazar, tell him I left a long time ago, and be very careful not to give me away, or we’ll both be in trouble.”

As soon as she left I began to miss her. I unwillingly left the empty bed, and in the darkness that had descended on the apartment I went to gather my clothes, still lying in a heap on the carpet, and discovered to my delight, between the roofs and the ugly TV antennas, a modest blue strip of the nearby sea, which I had already given up hope of seeing from here. The fragrance of her perfume lingered on my hands, and I raised them to my face to smell them. The telephone rang, and I knew at once that it was Lazar, looking for his wife. I said to myself, So what, what do I have to fear? I picked up the receiver, and his voice sounded as close and concrete as if he were standing on the other side of the wall. “She’s already left,” I said quickly, before he even asked about her. “So you finished everything you had to do?” he asked. “I think so.” I hesitated, not wanting him to think that from now on they could forget about me completely. “And did she show you that valve you were looking for, or did she forget about it in the end?”

“She forgot about it, of course,” I said with a faint sigh, laughing with him at her absentmindedness. He immediately explained to me where to find the valve, which really was hidden in an illogical place. Suddenly I was seized with anxiety. With my free hand I began hurriedly putting on my clothes, as if he could see my nakedness through the telephone. Behind the wall, in the next apartment, there was a sound of footsteps, and a shiver ran through me, as if his ghost were haunting me while his voice kept me talking. Fear and remorse welled up in me for what I had done to him, and I wanted to put the phone down. But Lazar was friendly, and with his natural sensitivity he sensed my embarrassment and wanted to calm me. “Tell me the truth,” he dared to ask, “are you angry with me?”

“Angry?” I choked on the word. “Why on earth should I be angry with you?”

“How should I know? Maybe you think I could have persuaded Hishin to keep you on in the surgical department. But believe me, I can’t interfere in such matters, and I haven’t got any pull where appointments are concerned.”

“I know, I know.” I hurried to reassure him. “And I’ve never been angry with you. Just the opposite.” But Lazar was not yet satisfied. “Anyway, tomorrow you’ll meet Professor Levine, and he may agree to give you the temporary residency in his department.”

“Tomorrow I’m meeting Levine?” I said in astonishment. “Has he recovered at last?” Now it was Lazar’s turn to be surprised. “But how come Dori didn’t tell you? I told her to tell you that you’ve got an appointment to see him tomorrow morning. She forgot that too? What’s the matter with her today?”

And after they have torn to shreds and smashed to smithereens everything that bound them together, the couple makes haste to part from one another, and with the wild leap of an arrow shot from a mighty bow each of them soars into the depths of the radiant void, to retrieve the freedom stolen from them and to prove that they have always been worthy of it. And it has never been so precious as now, with cool breezes swirling around and caressing their wings, guiding the erstwhile pair gently to the place where each of them wishes to be all by itself, and to gain this end they are prepared to forgo the age-old route marked out by the flames of flying dinosaurs, to reject the safety and warmth of migrating flocks crossing oceans with the help of tried and true ancient codes, and to allow chance winds to carry them to a place where they will never meet the mate from whom they have at last succeeded in separating themselves.