Ivan Klíma - Judge On Trial

‘They say we’re to stay here for some time. Actually it’s just as well, as I’m exhausted. I haven’t even the strength to build a tent. It’s not raining, so we just rake together a pile of leaves at the side of a stout tree-trunk. I spread a blanket out and G. and I lie down. After a few hours’ rest, I go off for a look at the people. They all have drawn features and are too thin to be recognisable. Thank goodness I can’t see what I look like.

‘The day has gone by without incident or food. How much longer can I hold out? There are only two questions on people’s lips: What do they intend to do with us, and will they give us anything to eat at all?

‘Last night I was awakened by the drone of engines and heavy gunfire. I weighed up the situation quite calmly. Without food I’ll manage to survive another five or six days. That’s the limit of my strength. Either it all comes to an end by then or I will. Then I thought about the family. What will happen to them if I fail to return? It’ll be a bit like it was with me. Adam and Hanuš will be as old as Gustav and I were when our father was killed. But they’ll be bound to get some money for my patents, so they’ll be that much better off than we were. As I lie here, my bimotor calculations and the slide-rule in my pocket dig into me. The whole way, I’ve said to myself, either I’ll survive with them or not, it won’t be any help to throw them away anyway. What’s the point of a slide-rule now? I know that if I survive I’ll be able to buy another one, but even so I’ve decided not to take them out. What if someone were to steal them?

‘25.4. To my great astonishment I learned this afternoon that we’ll be getting something to eat. Our group leader is on his way back with a kilo of tinned meat. We are soon to witness the dramatic spectacle of a tin of meat being divided into one hundred portions.

‘But I’m really fortunate as I managed after all to trade the tin of coffee for a little bag of potatoes. G. and I decided we’d cook ourselves some soup. For reasons of economy, as well as to make the potatoes digestible, we cut them into thin slices and boiled them. At the end we added 20 gms. of meat and then we ate it, each taking a spoonful in turn. When we were half-way down the pot we exchanged spoons, since they weren’t exactly the same size.

‘L. came to see me. He’s a nice young fellow who was studying electrical engineering in Prague. Though a Slovene, he was arrested along with some Czech students. I explained a lot of points in electrical engineering to him in the course of our stay in the camp; in six years, the poor fellow had forgotten even the little he knew, although he loved engineering. I now gave him a large cooked potato. He didn’t want to take it and it took me ages to make him relent. Such a refusal requires a lot of fortitude. After all, he’d not eaten a thing for days. He told me that on the way here from the camp they had lost a hundred and fifty out of their original six hundred! Suddenly he took me aside and told me that the illegal revolutionary organisation of Yugoslavs and Russians was planning an uprising. After considering the situation and the imminent threat of our death by starvation or gassing, the leadership had decided to launch the uprising without delay before the members of the organisation were entirely exhausted. A delegation was negotiating with communists of other nations — particularly the Germans. At a given moment in the night-time, all the sentries were to be attacked simultaneously and disarmed, and the arms acquired were to be used to attack the hardcore SS. The numbers of SS were estimated at three thousand. It was therefore a bold plan, but what alternative was there? With beating heart, I pledged him my support and handed over my watch. The leadership needed as many watches as possible for its plan. I promised absolute silence and we parted.

‘Dusk was falling, everywhere could be seen bonfires, smoke, blanket tents and huddles of prisoners. At the command: Feuer aus! the fires started to go out one by one. Soon it was pitch dark and silent. No one would have credited that these woods concealed fifty thousand people trying to live with their last ounce of strength. Once more I slept out in the open. The thought crossed my mind: here I am out rambling again, like in my student days; but the conditions have changed rather! It was like a mad statistical experiment to find out what percentage of people were capable of surviving hunger, cold and exhaustion from long route-marches.

‘26.4. My first thought this morning is: Are we going to get something to eat? I’m not the only one. The same thought is on all our minds. We got nothing. We are scouring the ground for beech-nuts. They’re hard to find. I sit on the ground scrabbling among the leaves until I find one. I peel it: it tastes like a hazelnut. But most of them are already rotten. From time to time I crawl forward a little way. It strikes me that these leaves have been sifted through countless times already. First by animals, now by people. But I carefully rake over my patch, saving my energy and not moving needlessly. I’m terribly hungry; beechnuts are not at all filling. I can think of nothing else but food. I’m ashamed of it and annoyed with myself. So, I say to myself, life has given you an opportunity to prove you’re capable of more than the rest. This makes sitting and calculating the bimotor seem child’s play in comparison: a pastime. I must stop thinking about food and start acting level-headedly. I have decided to save my strength — I waste more energy looking for beech-nuts than I get back. So I’ll lie down (one uses less energy lying down) and only take three short walks each day, just to prevent my limbs seizing up.

‘I’m lying down. I think about freedom. How wonderful it would be to be free once more, not to go in fear of death. And to eat my fill. To be with my loved ones again. They’re waiting for me, they need me. That adds to my determination. I mustn’t give in! At this moment, I detest the system that is guilty of all this terrible misery and suffering. The financial magnates and industrialists whose endless speculation finally plunged the world into war. They are indifferent to all our suffering. All that matters to them is to preserve their power and their empire. The boards of management of the munitions firms — Metro-Vide, Imperial Chemical Trust, Krupp, they all created Hitler. Without their help he would have ended up in an asylum the first time he tried to seize power. But their insane hatred of socialism in the Soviet Union where the bosses were put to work, where ordinary working people were appointed in place of the rulers, that completely blinded them. Maybe all this suffering has been good for one thing at least: it has completely opened my eyes. If I live to see freedom, I’ll know who to thank for my life.

‘L. came and told me that the German communists have made contact with our gaolers and received an assurance that our camp is to be taken over by the Red Cross. After lengthy debate it has been decided to postpone the uprising. My only fear is that we might be letting ourselves be taken in by some tall story from the SS. I go to bed early. My legs are so weak that it hurts even to think about getting up and walking a few steps, and I’m immediately aware of the pain in my legs. From time to time I feel I’m about to faint but I overcome it. All the misery that’s been caused by property, people’s acquisitiveness, the will to get rich, to have more than other people. As soon as someone acquires property he starts to block the path of progress, sometimes with force of arms. Surely it can be changed! Do humans have to go on slaughtering each other in wars? Is it a law of nature? No, I refuse to believe it! When the world is ruled by those who work, there will be no more reason to conquer the world. Working people will come to an agreement, and under a planned economy they will enforce shorter working hours, and it will be the end of unemployment and crises. There will be work for all, which will create high purchasing power and production and result in prosperity. What reason for wars then? Only if we take it into our hands will we show the world how beautiful and safe it can be and without any fear for the future.