Nadia Hashimi - The Pearl that Broke Its Shell

“Really, Shahla, are things okay?” I whispered when the room was divided in conversation. “Are you happy?”

“I miss you so much, Rahima! I miss everyone. I wish so much that I could see Rohila and Sitara. I want to know how big they’ve gotten, what they’re doing. But I’m happy.”

I smiled. I believed her.

“What about you?” Jahangir pulled at Shoib’s sleeve, inviting him to play in the hallway. Shoib shrugged his shoulders and followed.

“Me?” I could feel Bibi Gulalai’s stare boring into the back of my head. I nodded. My sister knew me too well. Her face grew somber.

“Good, I’m glad to hear that,” she said in a way that told me the opposite was true.

“I go to Kabul now. Did you hear about that?”

“I heard something, but…”

I told her about Badriya’s seat in the jirga and how I worked as her assistant. I told her how different Kabul was, just like in the stories Khala Shaima told us. I was proud when I saw how impressed Shahla was.

If only I could have suspended time. I would have sat beside my sister, our children playing together in a picture of innocence, our hearts supporting each other as we mourned our dead sister, the mother we once had, and the sisters we’d left behind.

“You see Khala Shaima still, don’t you?”

I nodded. “She comes by when she can. It’s getting harder for her but I miss her so much when she doesn’t come.”

“Does she still tell you stories of Bibi Shekiba?” Shahla asked. She started to rock when she noticed her daughter’s eyes begin to close, just as I did with Jahangir. It was amazing how quickly girls took on the instincts of motherhood.

“She does. I love hearing those stories. It makes me think of… it makes me think of other times.”

Shahla sighed. She missed it as much as I did.

“I know, Rahima- jan . But times change. Everything changes. Birds fly away, one by one.”

Shekiba was told nothing more. A nikkah was to be performed in two days’ time. Word spread through the somber harem quickly and several women came together to prepare the new bride.

“Who is this man? How fortunate you are! You were spared by our dear king for marriage! That is quite an honor!”

Those voices were in the minority. Shekiba heard the whispers around her, angry and incredulous. Some said that she had probably conspired with Benafsha and that she should have been stoned alongside her.

You see how comfortable she is in Benafsha’s room? As if it’s been hers all along!

I bet she helped hide Benafsha’s lover. I’m sure of it. I heard her footsteps in the middle of the night from time to time and I knew — I just knew something had to be going on!

They must be giving her to a blind man. Who else could stand to look at such a face!

How quickly they turned on her! How quickly they forgot how she had carried their children, brought hot water for their baths and even scrubbed their backs when they asked. All the while she had been Shekiba -e-haleem to them; they winked to one another when she served the bowls of the hot dish to the women from the breakfast delivery.

Shekiba- e-haleem, serving up her special dish!

Maybe she should pour a bowl over the other side of her face — I swear it’s just the right color to match her complexion today! The cook must be a genius!

But there were a few, namely Halima and Benazir, who pitied Shekiba and knew that she needed help preparing for her nikkah .

“Who is this man?” Halima asked as she combed oil through Shekiba’s dull, short hair.

“I don’t know, Khanum Halima. No one has said anything to me.”

“Maybe it’s one of the servants from the main palace. Maybe they will have you work there now?” Benazir suggested. “Would you like that?”

“I suppose,” Shekiba said, her voice contained. That was not what she wanted at all, but she could not bring herself to share her secret with anyone. It was Amanullah that she hoped for — not a palace servant!

“Well, it is a bit strange that they have not told you anything.” Halima looked hopeful but reserved. Shekiba had misfortune written all over her and it was hard to imagine that even a marriage would bring her peace.

“You know, there are many things that come with marriage. You have seen this harem and you know what happens between a man and a woman. Your husband will expect you to fulfill wifely duties. You will not want to disappoint him,” Halima said gently.

Shekiba felt her stomach drop. She had not given much thought to what would happen between her and a husband. She thought of the squeals and grunts that came from the king’s chambers. She thought of what Mahbuba had told her and felt something between her legs tighten with anxiety.

“It is painful the first time,” Halima said.

“So painful!” Benazir echoed.

“But each time after that will be easier. And maybe Allah will bless you with a child.”

Benazir smiled and looked at Mezhgan, who lay sleeping a few feet away.

“You have said that the women in your family all bear sons. If you do so, you will make your husband a happy man. Especially if it is his firstborn.”

“Do you really think she’ll be a first wife?” Benazir asked.

“Anything is possible,” Halima said, looking at Shekiba and thinking of the last few days in the palace.

Later that afternoon, a second wave of news rippled through the harem. Nabila came running into the bath area. Shekiba could hear her through the door.

“Have you heard the news? He is to be engaged! Our dear prince Amanullah is to be engaged! He has finally chosen a bride!”

No one else connected the two stories. No one but Shekiba, who closed her eyes and prayed with a nervous heart.

As promised, a soldier came to the harem two days after Tariq brought word to Shekiba. Ghafoor was standing outside and called into the house for Shekiba. They had not spoken since that dark night.

“Shekiba!” she called unceremoniously. “The palace has sent for you.”

Shekiba had spent her last night in Benafsha’s chambers, wondering about tomorrow. Her back still sore, she slept on her side. She stared at the door and imagined Agha Baraan entering to take the king’s concubine in secret. Why hadn’t Benafsha given her lover’s name?

Shekiba stood up slowly and smoothed her skirt, trying not to wake Tariq who had quietly joined her last night. She pictured Amanullah in his military uniform, his pants neatly pressed and his hat perched perfectly on his head. Looking at her own clothing, she felt embarrassed. She picked up her head scarf and crossed the corners under her chin. Tariq woke up, stretched and jumped to her feet. She threw both arms around Shekiba’s neck and squeezed her tightly. The gesture caught Shekiba by surprise.

“Is it time already? I wish you all the best, dear sister! May Allah bless the steps you are about to take and give you a lifetime of happiness.” Tariq’s eyes were tearful. “And don’t forget to pray for me sometimes too. Pray that I’ll be so lucky!”

“I’ll pray that you’ll be even luckier.”

With the palace waiting, there was no time to find Halima or Benazir to say good-bye. Shekiba walked past Ghafoor to the front door.

“How are you, Shekiba- jan ? I hope you’re feeling better. I heard your punishment was severe.” She looked uncomfortable; her eyes wandered past Shekiba to the soldier waiting outside.

“I was delivered to them, blame already assigned. What else were they to do?”

“They must have assumed—”

“They assumed what they were told.” Shekiba spoke coolly.