Nadia Hashimi - The Pearl that Broke Its Shell

We, the four wives, went to Bibi Gulalai’s compound next door to pay our obligatory respects on the first day of Eid. After that, we went home and braced ourselves. For three days, our house received visitor after visitor. I spent three days in the kitchen with the cook and the maid, drying dishes, filling bowls with nuts and raisins and pouring cups of tea. I wasn’t invited to sit with any of the guests as Badriya and Jameela were. Even Shahnaz came out from time to time and chatted with the women who came by.

And if my husband were to marry again, I had no reason to expect things would get better for me. I knew my family would not take me back. It was a matter of pride. My uncles would never tolerate having a rejected wife, a dishonored woman, back in their fold.

It was possible that he would keep all his wives. But there was no room in the house for that. We were all uneasy with the possibilities. Bibi Gulalai and Abdul Khaliq were remarkably tight-lipped about the idea.

“Rahima! Rahima- jan, come out here! Look who has come to see you!”

I dried my hands on my skirt and hurried into the living room, hoping to see Khala Shaima. My jaw dropped to see that my eldest sister, Shahla, stood before me, a little boy holding her hand and another baby, no more than four months old, in her arm.

Shahla smiled brightly to see me while I simply stared. Her face and hips had rounded, taking her out of adolescence. She looked cheerful.

“Rahima! My dear sister!” She let go of her son’s hand and took a step toward me. I couldn’t believe I was seeing her after all this time. It felt so good to have her arms squeeze me, to have her hands touch my face.

I felt her tears against my cheek, mixing with mine.

“It’s so good to see you, finally!” she whispered. “Forgive me, Rahima. I couldn’t come to be with you when… when everything happened.”

I had missed Shahla so much, and never more than when Parwin had taken her own life. Seeing her reopened the hurt.

“I wanted to be here. I wanted to come but it was so close to the time when this little one…,” she said, pointing to the baby girl in her arms.

I touched the little girl’s face, her skin soft and smooth like Shahla’s.

“I know, Shahla. I wish you could have been here too. It was… it was so terrible!”

“Allah forgive her, I’m sure it was. Poor Parwin! I can’t imagine what she must have gone through!”

Bibi Gulalai stood in the corner of the room, eyeing us suspiciously and looking displeased. I looked and saw there were other guests I hadn’t greeted. I exchanged quick kisses with Shahla’s mother-in-law and two of her sisters-in-law. Shahla had taken a seat on one of the cushions, her little boy beside her and her daughter in her lap. I sat next to her, Bibi Gulalai’s eyes following me.

“Oh, Shahla, look at your children! They’re beautiful! I have a—”

“Rahima!” Bibi Gulalai barked. “Don’t you think it would be more polite to bring our guests some tea before you start boring them with your yammering?”

My face flushed with embarrassment and anger. At least five Eid holidays had passed and this was the first time my sister had been able to pay a visit to the compound in that nearly three years’ time. I hadn’t seen her since the night of our miserable weddings. I could see the surprise on Shahla’s face to hear the way Bibi Gulalai spoke. Jameela intervened.

“Let me, Khala- jan . Rahima’s dear sister is here and it would be nice if the girls could spend some time together.”

I loved Jameela for understanding. And stepping in. She brought cups of tea and passed around a dish of nuts and dried mulberries. The ladies chatted amicably while Shahla held my hands. Her son, Shoib, grinned shyly while her daughter’s tiny arms waved this way and that, her eyes glued to her mother’s face.

“Shoib, did you say salaam to your khala-jan ?”

“ Salaam, ” he said quickly, then hid behind his mother’s shoulder.

“He’s very timid,” Shahla said, smiling.

“I want you to meet my son, Shahla.” I rushed into the hallway and called out for Jahangir. The ladies in the room thought we looked ridiculous. Everyone had children. They didn’t understand why we were making such a fuss over them.

I heard footsteps from Jameela’s room. My son had become quite comfortable staying with her while I was in Kabul. Whenever he wasn’t with me, I knew exactly where I would find him.

“Come, bachem, come and meet your khala-jan, ” I beckoned. My son, looking curious, took my hand and followed me into the living room.

“He’s a darling, nam-e-khoda !” she said, praising God’s name and blowing three times to ward off the evil eye. “He’s got your face.”

“Do you really think so?” It pleased me to hear that.

“Absolutely! And Madar- jan ’s hair. Look at the way the curls twist behind his head.”

We both winced at the mention of our mother.

“Have you seen her?” I tried to be discreet.

Shahla shook her head. I looked at my feet, dark with dust. This was a sore spot for both of us and I didn’t want to tell my sister everything I’d heard about Madar- jan ’s downward spiral. With all these women present, it felt like a betrayal. But I wanted to pour my heart out to her, to tell her about our younger sisters, left to fend for themselves even with two parents at home. I wanted her to tell me she would talk some sense into Madar- jan, even if Khala Shaima couldn’t. I kept it bottled.

“And your little girl — she’s so sweet! What’s her name, Shahla?”

I put my hand in front of her hand. Her long, graceful fingers wrapped around mine and squeezed tight.

Shahla lowered her voice and looked to see if anyone was paying attention to us.

“I named her Parwin,” she said quietly.

A second look and I realized Shahla’s daughter had our sister’s doelike eyes and pink, puckered lips. My throat tightened. Shahla smiled wanly.

“Parwin?”

“Yes. My mother-in-law wanted to name her Rima, actually, but I asked if I could choose the name. She agreed to let me.”

I stared at my niece’s face. The longer I stared, the more of Parwin I saw. Then I thought of my own mother-in-law. She had only gone along with my son’s name because my husband had approved of it. He must have liked it very much or she would have changed it for sure.

“I can’t believe she agreed.”

“I know. It was difficult because she thought it would be bad luck, you know, to name a child after someone with a lame leg. Thank goodness I named her before… I mean if she had been born after, I couldn’t have convinced anyone. The name would’ve carried too much shadow.”

Shahla looked at her daughter’s face wistfully.

“Then after all that happened, everyone started calling her Rima. I could barely bring myself to say her name either so for a long time it was a relief to call her Rima. But now, when it’s just me and her, I call her Parwin. It makes me feel better. Funny, isn’t it? We hear the same name and while they see dark, I see light.”

I knew just what she meant.

Had the guests been anyone else, I would have returned to the kitchen long ago. But it was my sister and I wanted to spend every second I could with her. Jameela refilled the teacups, passed around a plate of cookies and made small talk. She kept an eye on Bibi Gulalai and when it looked like our mother-in-law was about to say something to me, Jameela would ask a question or say something to distract her. When our eyes met, I thanked Jameela silently. She smiled.

“Shahla, you look so well!” I exclaimed. And I meant it. My sister looked more mature but otherwise unchanged. And she looked content. I even saw her make eye contact with her sister-in-law once or twice and smile. Genuinely. Her mother-in-law was a soft-spoken woman, nothing like Bibi Gulalai and her searing glare. She must have been in her sixties, wisps of gray hair peeking out from under her head scarf. She listened to Jameela talk about our mother’s illness with a look of sincere concern.