Nadia Hashimi - The Pearl that Broke Its Shell

Lailuma was disarmed by my flattery, which to me sounded much more like something Shahla would say than anything I would have come up with.

“They are, yes, thank you. It’s a shame we haven’t met. Well, then go on but don’t be long because your sister has responsibilities to tend to.”

“Of course! I don’t want to keep her,” I said as sweetly as I could.

Rabia sighed and hurried me along, not wanting to be pulled away from her other duties any longer. We went down a short hallway and as soon as we turned the corner I saw her.

Parwin’s back was to us but I could see her limping, a pail of water in one hand. The water sloshed with her wide gait, a trail of splashed water behind her.

“Parwin!” I called out, running to her. My sister turned around, her face puzzled. She dropped the pail on the floor and I could see the servant shaking her head at Parwin’s clumsiness.

“Rahima? Rahima! What are you doing here?” she said, her eyes tearing up as I threw my arms around her thin frame.

“I came to visit you! I missed you so much, Parwin!” I turned around and saw Rabia was already shuffling down the hallway. “Let’s go somewhere! I want to talk to you before I have to go back.”

Parwin nodded and led me to her room, a small rectangular space without windows. It was even smaller than where I slept. We closed the door behind us and Parwin fell back onto her mattress with a sigh. She looked exhausted.

“Parwin, I’ve wanted to see you for so long but they wouldn’t let me come! All they want me to do over there is work and work and I’m so tired of it! I scrub the floors and do the laundry and…” My voice tapered as I realized my sister’s life was probably no different from mine. I was being selfish to complain to her.

“I know, Rahima. It’s terrible here too,” she whispered. “I pray every day that something will happen and I’ll be able to go back home. I miss Madar- jan, Shahla and the girls! I even miss Padar- jan !”

I wanted to disagree with her but oddly, I missed our father too, even though I blamed him for putting us all through this.

“What is it like for you there, Rahima? They let you come here today?”

“I snuck away, Parwin. I’ve asked so many times but Bibi Gulalai won’t allow it. So today, I just walked over here. I told the servant that I’d gotten permission.”

“Oh no! Won’t they notice that you’re not there? What are they going to do to you?”

I had given that some thought and only hoped that my reasoning worked.

“I’ve gotten in trouble a couple of times. The last time, Bibi Gulalai threatened to send me back to my parents. I’m hoping that if she finds out about this, that’s what she’ll do. I want to go back home. I hate it over there!”

“Do you really think they’ll send you back?” Parwin seemed doubtful. My sister looked different, I realized. Her face looked thinner and her eyes lacked their sparkle. Her cheeks were marked with dark spots.

“I don’t know but I really wanted to see you. And I thought it was worth a try,” I added with a smile.

“I wish they would send me back too,” she said wistfully.

“Are you… are you doing all right here? Are they nice to you?”

“I would rather be home. Remember those birds that used to fly over our yard? Remember how mad Shahla got when their droppings got on the laundry — twice in one day! That was so funny!” She was looking past me. Seeing something that no longer existed.

“Parwin, are you still doing your drawings? Have you sketched anything new? I miss looking at your work.”

She shook her head. “There’s too much to do and I don’t want to disappoint anyone here. I have to keep up with my chores. Anyway, I don’t really feel much like sketching.”

This was completely unlike Parwin. I held her hands in mine and wondered what to say. There were questions I wanted to ask but the answers would only hurt us both. I stared at her while she smiled awkwardly. She talked about Rohila and Sitara, told me stories about them as if she’d seen them just days ago. I wondered what her husband was like. I wondered if she had to tolerate the same things I did.

“Khala Shaima said that Rohila is probably going to go to school now. Isn’t that wonderful? She’s going to love it.”

“Khala Shaima? Did you see her? Did you talk to her?” It sounded like Parwin had completely lost her mind.

“Yes, she came here. About two weeks ago. I just saw her by the front gate for a few moments and then she left again. She asked about you too but I told her I hadn’t seen you.”

“She came here? Why didn’t she come see me too?”

“She tried.”

Of course, they’d kept her away from me. They probably didn’t want me telling Khala Shaima how they treated me.

“What else did she say?”

“She said Padar- jan is the same, but happier now that he can get a lot more medicine. And Madar- jan and the girls are doing all right. We didn’t really talk for very long. I wished she could have stayed and told more of her stories. I liked hearing about Bibi Shekiba, didn’t you? I think about her a lot now.”

I thought about her more than anyone could know. I often wondered what she would have done in my place. Or what I would have done in hers. Or if there was much difference anyway.

“Parwin, maybe we should just run away!” I whispered, interrupting her chatter. “Just like I snuck out this morning. We could just take off!”

If only I’d known then what the future held, I would have done just that. I would have snuck away with her in the night. At least that would have given her a chance.

“Rahima, you’re always making trouble. I’m all right here. It’s a lot of work but it’s okay. Madar- jan said we should do what’s asked of us and I am. You’re going to get yourself into big trouble if you try anything.”

I felt my throat tighten to hear her talk this way. She wasn’t herself but I realized there was no running away for us, especially her. Parwin wouldn’t make it more than a few feet from the compound with her limp.

Voices in the hallway grew louder.

“Where is she? Who let her in here?”

“She came alone? Does Bibi Gulalai know about this?”

I heard the footsteps and knew my time was up, quicker than I thought. I didn’t bother turning around to see who had come after me. I kissed my sister’s face and squeezed her hands as the door flung open.

“I’m sorry, Parwin. I’m sorry about all of this,” I said. “I’m not far from you, Parwin, remember that, okay? I’m not far from you!”

I kept my eyes on her as I was yanked to my feet. Parwin looked oddly peaceful amidst the shouting.

“Birds fly away, one by one…,” she said meekly, watching as I was pulled away from her once again.

Bibi Gulalai seethed with anger.

Someone had seen me leaving the compound. Word got back to Badriya, who, probably happily, reported the news to Bibi Gulalai. It didn’t matter much. Just made me hate them more. Badriya was a more spiteful person than I’d first thought. I prayed I’d one day find a way to get even with her. No wonder Hashmat was such a jerk.

But I’d invited this round of punishment. I’d asked for it. With every blow, every curse, I held out hope that my mother-in-law would blurt out that she’d had enough, that she was sending me back to my mother. I covered my head with my arms and waited to hear what she’d said the last time. When she didn’t say it, I spoke up.

“If I’m so terrible then why don’t you send me back?”

She paused. At that moment, I realized I hadn’t done myself any favors. She knew that was exactly what I wanted and refused to give it to me, even if it would shame my family and me before our entire community. No, at that moment she decided she would straighten out this pesky bride herself. My plan had backfired but at least I’d seen Parwin. Or what was left of her. My sister, so different and delicate in her disposition, had been changed by her new life. I knew it was partly my doing. This had all come about because of me, the bacha posh, and because of the argument I had with my mother. The rest of the blame sat on my father’s addicted shoulders.