Nadia Hashimi - The Pearl that Broke Its Shell

More footsteps came down the hallway as I tried not to stare too much at Laila, who reminded me how much I missed my sisters.

“Kaihan! Hashmat! Stop running inside! You boys are shaking the walls!” Jameela turned to me and explained. “Hashmat is about the same age as my son. He’s Badriya’s boy.”

I took one look at Hashmat and a knot formed in my stomach. He looked from Jameela to me and grinned.

“Who are you supposed to be?” he said bluntly, his tongue slipping through his teeth and giving his words a wet lisp. It occurred to me that I’d seen him before, that I’d heard him before. We’d played soccer on more than one occasion in the streets a few blocks from our school. My voice escaped me. I wondered if he’d recognize me as well.

“This is Rahima, your father’s bride,” Jameela said. I turned my face and looked down, avoiding his gaze. Jameela was surprised by my modesty given how I’d spoken to her just a few moments ago.

“Oh. Yeah, I heard about you. You’re… hey, aren’t you… you’re Abdullah’s friend, aren’t you?”

I didn’t know how to respond. I fidgeted and looked to Jameela. I knew this looked strange to everyone. No girl my age should have been referred to as “Abdullah’s friend.” Jameela looked at Laila, who seemed more confused now than before.

“Never mind that, Hashmat,” she said intuitively. “She’s your father’s bride and you’ll be respectful of that. No one wants to hear anything else from your mouth.”

I stared at the ground, knowing now why he looked familiar. I remembered him pushing and shoving his way to the ball, his mouth open and his dirty fingernails clawing at anyone in his way. He had friends only because boys were afraid not to be friends with Abdul Khaliq’s son, a lesson they’d learned from their parents. We had made a point to avoid him and his group entirely. It had been a year since I’d seen him.

“You’re a girl?” he exclaimed. “What kind of girl are you? That’s you, isn’t it? That’s why you’re not answering!”

“Hashmat! Do you want me to tell your mother—”

“Look at that! You’ve even got short hair and everything! What kind of bride are you? You’ve been running through the streets with Abdullah and his gang. No wonder you guys couldn’t score a single goal!” Saliva sprayed out when he spoke with excitement. I covered my face with my veil, wanting to hide from his wet assault.

“Hashmat! That’s enough I said!”

“Maybe Abdullah’s a girl too! Maybe you all are!” he laughed.

I would think of lots of clever things to say later, when Hashmat was not around.

Instead of saying any of those things now, I ran. I ran with the washrags still in my hand, my eyes blurring with tears. I wanted to get away from Hashmat, from this boy who knew me as I wished I still were — a boy just as free as him. I hated that he lived here. I knew he would always bring it up. He would always look at me and laugh at the girl who used to be a boy.

By the time I got to my room and slammed the door behind me, I wondered if he would see Abdullah again. I imagined what he might say and felt my heart drop. I didn’t want Abdullah to see me as a girl, as Abdul Khaliq’s wife, as Hashmat’s stepmother.

I dropped my head into my hands and cried.

It drove me mad to think of Parwin. Months had passed and there was no hint that I would be allowed to see her. I knew where the adjacent compound was and tried to eavesdrop at the wall between the two homes to hear her voice or even someone speaking of her. I couldn’t spend much time out there or Bibi Gulalai would come chasing after me to tend to something that no one else wanted to do. She had taken to using a walking stick these days, a change driven as much by her intensified desire to discipline me as her unsteady step.

I waited a month before making another move. I needed to work up the nerve to try again and to figure out how I could manage to get out of our compound. I set off in the early morning, when I usually went to tend to the laundry. I took the pail and walked across the courtyard as casually as I could. My throat was dry as I scouted the area. A few servants here and there but no one seemed to be paying any attention to me. My husband had left earlier in the morning and wouldn’t be back for hours.

I moved closer and closer to the front gate, my palms sweaty.

Don’t hesitate, I told myself, and opened the gate to walk out. I waited but heard nothing. No one had even noticed.

The compound sat on an open dirt road, one that I hadn’t seen since the day of my wedding. I looked to the right and saw the adjacent compound where Parwin lived. I pulled a burqa from the pail and donned it. I walked quickly and tried their gate but it was locked.

I knocked lightly. This was the time of day that only the servants were in the courtyard and that was what I was counting on. If I could just get one of the servants to open the gate, I could find my way to my sister. I waited a moment but no one answered. I tried again, a little louder this time.

On my third try, beads of sweat trickling down the back of my neck, I heard footsteps and grumbling. I stepped back as I saw the gate open.

“ As-salaam-alaikum, ” answered an older woman cautiously. From her worn clothing, I guessed she was one of the servants. I tried to see past her and into the compound. She squinted and narrowed the opening behind her. “Forgive me, I haven’t recognized you. Are you here to see someone?”

I cleared my throat and willed my voice not to betray me.

“ Wa-alaikum as-salaam. Yes, I am. I am the sister of Khanum Parwin. I’ve come to pay her a visit.”

“Ah, Khanum Parwin! Her sister? Welcome, welcome, but… have you come alone?” she said curiously. She looked behind me, expecting to see a chaperone.

“My mother-in-law, Bibi Gulalai, was supposed to come with me and would be here if it weren’t for her aching back. She had to rest. But she told me to go on without her,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady. “Is my sister around? I just want to see her for a few minutes.”

The woman looked confused. Indeed it was strange for one of Abdul Khaliq’s wives to show up at the front gate unaccompanied, but then who would imagine that a young girl would lie about such a thing? She opted not to give me, Abdul Khaliq’s wife, a hard time and pulled the gate open to let me through.

“I think she’s still in her room. I’ll show you the way,” she said.

The compound was much smaller than Abdul Khaliq’s but set up in a similar way. My eyes looked for Parwin. I couldn’t believe I’d made it this far! We walked past a few children, no more than six or seven years old. They glanced at me, too preoccupied with their own games to bother with the stranger in the burqa .

“Who is this with you, Rabia- jan ?” I stopped, as did my guide, whose name was apparently Rabia.

“Good morning, Khanum Lailuma. This is Khanum Parwin’s sister. She’s come from next door to pay a visit.”

“By herself? You are Abdul Khaliq’s bride?” Lailuma said, her brows furrowed together with displeasure.

“Yes,” I said. I reminded myself to look confident.

“Does anyone know you’re here?”

“Of course!” I said. “As I told Rabia- jan, Bibi Gulalai was going to accompany me but she was having backaches. I just wanted to pay my sister a short visit. It’s been so long since I’ve seen her.”

“Well, that’s… I just don’t think…”

“I’m so glad to meet you! I’ve heard much about the family next door to our compound but I haven’t had the chance to meet anyone. Were those your children I saw just now in the courtyard? So adorable, God bless them!”