Iosi Havilio - Paradises

I drop my things on the mattress, I enter the bathroom and splash my face, my cheeks are flushed, I feel ashamed. I’d like to do something to repair the situation, to go back in some way. I don’t know how. I let a couple of minutes pass and go out with the intention of being firm. Everything is the same, Simón tied up, eyes on the ground, waiting to be tortured, Herbert standing with the bottle and the hosepipe, it’s clear that he doesn’t feel like continuing to play his role in my presence. I try to think of some phrase to befriend Simón, to make him understand. His satisfied and defiant expression suggests I’d best not try. With no way out, I look for an excuse to escape: Be right back, I say, I’m going to the supermarket.

With a sachet of milk, a tin of green beans and a bag of bread in my basket, I stay standing for a while in front of the drinks and liqueurs aisle. An accumulation of superimposed images fills my mind, of those nights in the kitchen at Open Door getting drunk alone: the slits in the oilcloth on the table that I opened with my longest nail, the pile of papers scribbled with illegible notes, the thick glass I filled and emptied without pause, my throat on fire. I stretch out my arm and grab a bottle of gin by the neck, which I hold close to my body as I take it to the checkout.

I return to the building undecided about how to act. How to put an end to the domination game. I even wonder whether it’s just a boys’ thing that I have no reason to suppress. It could be, I think, and for a while I deceive myself. Right, Simón, it’s over. It’s that simple, it’s a matter of giving a good loud shout and that’s it. I rehearse my tone on the stairs, I gather my courage, but there’s no need. The chair, the rope and the cords have been cast aside, the torture session is over, Herbert and Simón have returned to car races. I don’t know what to say, whether to mention the subject again or let it go. As I hesitate, I serve myself the first measure of gin.

Herbert leaves, Simón falls asleep without eating and drunkenness knocks me out until after midnight. I wake suddenly, the other way up. Between my headache and a very precarious awareness, Tosca appears to me. Monstrous and augmented. And what I remember isn’t the morphine injection I didn’t give her but what she said this morning: I’m going to die today. Limbs numb, I have no strength to stand, I try to masturbate in search of encouragement but that doesn’t work either. Another swig of gin, now from the bottle, and I sit up agonising. I face the stairs with as much impetus as I can, I descend in slow motion. Too late, I realise that I’m in my knickers. Benito opens the door, face more swollen than ever, eyes surrounded by dark circles, haggard. He doesn’t need to say anything, I’m about to embrace him, sympathising, but the movement is truncated by a howl from Tosca that hangs paralysed in the air: Beeeniiiiii.

Tosca welcomes me with a reproach: Do you want to kill me? I tell a half-truth: I fell asleep. And I add a stupid excuse: I had a terrible day. Tosca frowns, my breath gives me away. No one says anything about seeing me semi-naked. I stretch my T-shirt and cover myself as best I can. Before I inject her morphine, Tosca uses me as a confidante once more. Like this morning, she wants to tell me something in secret. Come here, she asks, and I obey. You thought I’d carked it, didn’t you? It’ll come, girl, it’ll come, you need to have a bit of patience.

March draws to a close without incident. Living in the city isn’t that bad sometimes. A week before Easter, when autumn is beginning to make itself felt in the balmy nights, the days gradually shortening and the leaves on the trees fading in swathes, Eloísa reappears. She texts the mobile I’d forgotten existed: axel going to miami, she writes like that, all lower case, a whisper. Not even a minute elapses before she calls me. Did you read it? Yes, yes. I’m alone, understand? No, I don’t want to understand, a wave of interference conceals my muteness. She seems to have hung up, Simón shows me a beetle limping across the middle of the room, and entertains himself by finishing it off with several stamps of the feet. Are you at home? Don’t move, I’ll be there in ten.

Another Eloísa, yet another, jumpy as always. Leather hat, raw silk scarf knotted round her neck, all in denim, looking like I don’t know what. That’s life, is the first thing she says, not even greeting me. All of a sudden, bish, bash, bosh. Axel’s sister got engaged to a Yank and the whole family is getting together in Miami. Imagine the ugly mug to get hooked by that girl. The important thing is that Axel is travelling on Maundy Thursday and returning the following Tuesday. A week and a half to do what I want. Do you realise? She demands that I be the one to translate what’s in her head. But she gets impatient and resumes: The jewels, you daft cow, destiny is calling us. We’ll sell a couple and we can fuck off. To Miami. No, not Miami, she says, imagine if we bumped into Axel’s folks. She spits out a blank laugh. Brazil would be better, a little beach, who’s going to waste time looking for us two. It’s now or never. Trust me, nothing will happen.

The door opens and Herbert comes to my rescue. I’m going to work, I say. Eloísa suggests accompanying me. I decline, I have to take care of lunch first. We’ll speak later, a useless attempt to get rid of her. Impossible. Back me up here, don’t be a wimp, she blasts in my ear and I don’t understand why she needs me so much, she could do it alone and still come out on top. Fine, let me think about it, I give in just to get her off my back. She corners me: Saturday or Sunday? I hesitate, if I speak I’ll condemn myself. She decides: I’ll expect you on Saturday at ten. And in my ear: If you don’t come, you’re dead to me.

The week passes quickly. Tosca feels better and threatens to venture out to the street, Benito manages to get her a tripod walking stick which he retreads with wire and duct tape. During a night of fury Simón bites my breast and leaves me twin scars very near the nipple. The fights between Sonia and Mercedes can be heard as if they were in the flat next door; Herbert makes no comment, he continues with his double shifts at training. Eva disappears, they locked her up or cleaned her out, according to gossip. Canetti plucks up the nerve to do what I didn’t: he gets himself thrown out of the zoo. I’m going to kick up one hell of a fuss, they’ll see.

Saturday comes round and, rather than erasing the film of the robbery that keeps playing in my mind, Eloísa’s silence functions as a stimulus. I knew it, she says shaking her head and she embraces me as if I’d come back from the dead. You can’t let me down, we’re practically sisters, aren’t we? First, at the door, I bump into Marito, the family’s loyal employee. He’s leaving as I’m entering. We greet each other as usual, I wonder whether he’s in on it, whether he’s joined the gang as a necessary accomplice. Eloísa explains without my asking: I made people come and go all day so they’re recorded on the cameras, to throw them off. We sit in the dining room, Eloísa goes to her room to look for a joint. I’m such a pot-head, she says. For a while I’m left alone in front of the map of cheeses, which I examine in detail. She returns with a bottle of beer. For starters, so she says, and we make a toast. As I crumble the marijuana, she prepares mini pizzas in the electric oven. She chats to me through the wall, she invents conversations to distract me. How’s Simón? she asks as if she cared. I swear I don’t know how you do it, there’s no way I could have a child. It must be something being a mum, is it? We smoke, we drink, we eat, in that order. My tongue gets tangled round the threads of mozzarella, Eloísa becomes transcendental: Last night I had a vision of cavemen. I pictured them round a fire, partying, half mad, same as us deep down, fucking, chowing, sleeping. Imagine what we would have been like back then. There must have been two girls like us. And Axel? Can you see him hunting? A faggot caveman, she concludes, and releases a cackle I can’t replicate.