Michelle Tea - Black Wave

The hours of operation were ruled by insomnia, anxiety, boredom. On many nights Michelle stayed open through till sunrise, closing up shop in the morning to sleep like a vampire in the windowless back room. The novelty of living like this, like the kids in From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler , was not lost on her. Michelle imagined that it would take a while for the odd romance of it to wear off, and Michelle didn’t have a while.

With the exception of Matt Dillon, Michelle spent time with hardly anyone. His visits were infrequent, but when he came he brought Michelle cigarettes, which she began to enjoy again. He liked spending the night on her cushions. Like camping , he’d laugh, enjoying the weirdness of it, reading out loud to her from books strewn across the floor, playing a divination game where he picked a sentence at random to forecast their next day, or explain the nature of their erratic coupling, or detail what they could expect in the moment the earth exploded. Together they remembered the places they’d longed to sleep as a child — inside refrigerator boxes, in a play structure at a park, behind the couch, beneath the Christmas tree, beneath a stairwell in the library. They agreed that the bookstore was as good as all such places rolled together, though Matt was quick to return to his own home, which Michelle imagined was quite lovely and probably home to a quite lovely woman as well.

I’m Fine, Michelle said to her mother. She had slid into her loneliness and found it oddly comfortable. She felt badly for the years she’d pestered her mother into increased happiness, trying to rouse her into someone else’s life. I’m Thinking Of Starting An End-Of-The-World Book Club. Like Where We Read Books About The End Of The World. And Discuss.

Well, you’ll never guess what happened at my work, Wendy said, and continued without pause. We all moved in. We took over.

Moved In Where? Into The Asylum?

That’s right! Wendy exclaimed. Oh, it’s excellent. We play games all night, we’ve got that big kitchen, we all take turns cooking, all the nurses. I made shepherd’s pie last night. It was good. I used that packaged cheese on top, you know the stuff that comes in the mac and cheese boxes?

The Orange Powder? Michelle asked. You Put That On Your Shepherd’s Pie?

It was delicious, Wendy insisted. We’ve been eating mostly ramen so it was a treat. Everyone’s calling me “Chef “ now.

But Where Are The Patients?

Some are still around, we still take care of them. Some wanted to go, we let them go. Listen, everyone is crazy out on the streets. Who am I to tell someone they got to stay all cooped up when they’re gonna be dead so soon?

Are You Going To Get In Trouble?

Nah, Wendy said. This is happening in a few places. My friend Dolores is a nurse at an old folks’ home, she said whenever one of her patients dies a nurse moves into their room. Or a CNA or whatever. It’s better than living alone right now, waiting for some gang to rob you.

Alone? Michelle asked. What About Kym, Is She With You?

Oh, honey, Wendy said. Kym left me.

What? Where Did She Go?

She left me for a man.

No! Michelle shrieked.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, she did.

When? Oh My God! Are You Okay?

Wendy laughed . Yeah, yeah. I’m fine, we’re fine. You know, we were more like roommates for a long time. I mean, it was hard, don’t get me wrong. But it’s good now. It’s better. You know, it’s a relief not to have to take care of someone all the time.

Is She Sick, How Is She? Where Is She?

She’s living with him, some guy. I don’t know, I don’t like him, but she does. He’s just some guy from the square, you know, a guy who hangs out down there. He’s a toughie. Got tattoos and stuff like that.

He’s Taking Care Of Her? Michelle asked.

She’s fine! Wendy screamed. She’s fine. She’s not sick anymore.

Are You Kidding?

I guess she just needed to get laid. You know?

Oh My God. I Can’t Believe This. Does Kyle Know?

I don’t talk to you kids. You don’t call me, I don’t call you two, we don’t talk.

I Know, Ma, Michelle said. I’m Sorry.

It is what it is. You know I love you?

Yeah, Michelle said. Of Course I Do. Do You Know I Love You?

Oh yeah, I know it.

Really? Michelle asked. Really? You Really Do? Michelle felt that love rise up inside of her, that scared and frustrated love. She wanted to push it somehow into her mother, make her feel what it felt like to love her. How tremendous and difficult.

You don’t have to try so hard, ’Chelle, she said. Just love me, okay? And I’ll love you. Simple. Okay?

Okay. She was crying.

Are you safe where you are? Wendy asked.

Yeah, Michelle said.

’Cause you know you can come and stay with me if you need to. I could try to find the money to get you here. We all help each other out, it’s really nice.

Michelle thought about ending her life in a mental hospital with her mother. It had its appeal. I Don’t Think It’s Even Possible To Get To You, she said.

Well, I’m glad I got to talk you, Wendy said. Before they turn the phones off. And I hope Kym gets it together to call you, you know she loves you, don’t you?

Michelle did. Yeah.

I’d like to speak to your brother too but he doesn’t return my calls. You know what that means.

What? Michelle asked.

He’s got a boyfriend. He never wants to talk to me when he’s got a boyfriend.

Michelle called Kyle. Do You Have A Boyfriend? she demanded. I Talked To Ma, She Said You Won’t Talk To Her And That You Never Talk To Her When You Have A Boyfriend. Do You Know That Kym Has A Boyfriend? Our Mothers Have Lost Control.

Yes, Kyle affirmed . I know everything. And yes, I have a boyfriend .

Kyle! Michelle exclaimed. She recalled the dream of the garden. Is He, Like Does He Have Really Blue Eyes, Dark Hair?

Yes! Kyle shrieked. Yes! Yes! This was why he did not call their mothers when he fell in love. He became like a small dog in love, full of yips, chasing his tail, a teenage girl, perhaps, shiny and pink. All the mothers could do was make fun of him.

The One We Dreamed Of, Michelle said.

Yes, Kyle said. We found each other on Craigslist and went on a date and it was like love at first sight. It was amazing. It is amazing.

Wow, Michelle said. He’s Like How He Was In Your Dream, Like In Real Life? All My Dream Lovers Are Teenagers Right Now.

It’s all about timing, Kyle said. People change, they keep changing. You got to catch them at the right moment or else you can’t sync up. I think I would have met Walter really soon anyway. He was redecorating my boss’s apartment.

Kym Left Wendy For A Man And Wendy Is Living At The Mental Hospital And Dreaming She’s A Grandmother.

They needed to break up, don’t you think?

I Guess. There’s No Time To Overthink Anything Anyway.

I know! Kyle cried. I love it! I’m moving in with Walter. It’s so easy. If we were going to keep living we’d never do it! Listen, he said , we want to have you over before the end of the world, okay? Will you please come over for dinner next week? I can’t believe how quickly time is passing.

I Know, Michelle said. And I Would Love To.

Through the weeks Michelle had many dreams, and then she ceased to have any. The darkness of her slumber was a deep relief, was the most rested she had ever felt. She awoke lit with such energy, coffee was suddenly unnecessary. Which was great, since it had finally become unavailable. Lots of things had become unavailable. The shops were empty, the faucets were dry. There was a sensation that things were shutting down, switch by switch. Instead of this fomenting anxiety, a peacefulness descended on Michelle, on Michelle and on the people around her. On everyone, perhaps. A peek at the computer revealed a total lack of missed dream connections. As the soothing cloak of blackness had been draped over Michelle’s dreams, so it seemed that everyone else had lived out their astral lives and could finally get a good night’s sleep. Perhaps this is what it will feel like, Michelle wondered, when it all goes away. The moment felt extremely close. Michelle thought it wouldn’t be so very bad. All day she looked forward to the velvety blackness of her nights, though her days were sweet as well.