Stephen Dixon - Late Stories

To hell with it. Call her. Get it over with. Tell her how you feel. You won’t be worse off with her than if you don’t call. For what could be the worst that could happen? No more meeting her for lunch? Well, that had to happen. So better now than later. Because being with her that hour to an hour and a half every other week has become too much for you. You get more depressed, after, every time you see her. So he calls her. Uses the house phone because the reception’s better than on the cell, and picks up the receiver a half-dozen times before he finally dials her. “Hi,” she says. “How nice. And how unusual too, a call from you. I like it better than emailing. And you’re not going to believe this, because I know people are always saying this on the phone, but I was just about to call you.” “Oh, yeah?” he says. “What about? Because in all the time we’ve known each other recently, I’ve received only one call from you and that was for the first time we had lunch. I called you and got your answering machine and you called back.” “First tell me why you called. Just to talk?” “More than that,” he says. “And I’ve a feeling you’re going to be so put off by what I say that I doubt you’ll want to tell me why you were about to call.” “What could you say that I’d get so upset about?” “I didn’t say ‘upset.’ I said ‘put off.’ Though maybe you will get upset. All right. I know we’re supposed to meet for lunch next week. But I think that should be the last time, and if you feel uncomfortable after I tell you why I think so, then maybe we shouldn’t meet even then. I’d hate to lose our friendship, since I’ve really enjoyed our lunches. . well, up to a point. They’ve been a little tough on me too, which I’ll also tell you about. But the main thing I’m going to say. . In other words, what I feel I have to say—” “Come on, out with it. Then, after we talk about what you said, if you want, I’ll tell you about my intended call to you. And I mean it. My hand was practically on the receiver, ready to dial. And I seriously doubt our friendship would be compromised by anything you say. Though it could be when you hear what I have to say.” “I want our friendship to become deeper,” he says. “That’s what I called to say. Or a little deeper at first and then much deeper and then as deep as anything could get between two people, or as close as it can be to that. Am I making myself clear? Are you upset, uncomfortable, put off? I don’t see how you’re not, at least one of them. And I’m saying this over the phone, you understand, because I don’t see how I could have said it in person at our lunch next week.” “It’s so ridiculous,” she says. “You’re going to think I’m lying. But in my call to you I was essentially going to say the same thing.” “That’s impossible.” “You see?” she says. “But you couldn’t have been thinking that. And now I definitely don’t know if I should even believe you were about to call me when I called.” “Believe me, Philip, believe me. I don’t know how it happened, the two of us with the same thoughts about the other and then calling the other, or about to, at almost the exact same time to say it, and probably also the same reason for not wanting to say it face to face. Do you know, if I had picked up my receiver a few seconds earlier to dial you while you were dialing my number, I would have got a busy signal after I was through dialing and you might have too, although I’m not sure how it works. And then both of us might have had, after we put our phones down, second thoughts of calling with what we wanted to say and not called. Isn’t that strange?” “We would have said what we felt we had to say, sometime,” and she says “I don’t know, though I guess so.” “I’m sure of it. I at least know I would have. I would have called you right back, hoping you’d just got off the phone, or kept dialing your number no matter how many busy signals I got till I reached you.” “Mind if I change the subject a little?” she says. “Would you like to come by later to tell me why you wanted to move our friendship to something resembling more a romance? And I say ‘wanted’ rather than ‘want’ because it seems, with just this phone call, it’s already moved there. I’d like for you to. The kids will be here, but we can still have a nice quiet talk. If you’d rather do it another time, that’s fine with me.” “No, tonight. Name the time,” and she says “Sevenish? The kids will have had their dinner.” “Sevenish it is. God, this has been some day. One hard to believe.” “Incidentally, I didn’t say it but I’ll say it now. I’m very happy you called.” “I no longer have to tell you how I feel,” he says.

“Did I ever tell you the story how Dostoevsky proposed to his future wife, Anna Grigoryevna Snitkin? Or ‘Snitkina,’ if you want to do it the Russian way.” “You have told me it,” she says, “but tell me it again. It’s a lovely story, I remember, but I forget most of it. She was much younger than him, am I right?” and he says “Twenty-five years. He’d hired her as a stenographer — a new profession in Russia — to transcribe his writing and dictation of the novel he was writing, The Gambler . He had to finish the book — I think he even started it at their first stenographic session — in a month. All of October, 1866, I believe — or he’d lose the rights to all his previous books published by the publisher he’d signed a contract with for The Gambler . The writer was taken advantage of like that then, far worse than anything that goes on today. The Gambler wasn’t one of Dostoevsky’s better books. In fact, if you want my opinion, it’s pretty far down the list. Maybe because—” “Just go on with the proposal he made to her. I’d much rather hear about the writer’s life than get an analysis of his work. And you yourself have said that’s how you usually read bios of writers — skipping the book critiques.” “Got ya,” he says. “How did I ever end up with such a wonderful woman?” “Is that what Dostoevsky said about her?” “No, that’s what I’m saying about you,” he says. “Although now that you mention it, he did say something very much like that at their wedding reception, I think to her mother. ‘Look what I’ve married,’ he said. ‘The dearest girl in the world.’” “He called her a girl?” she says. “Well, he was considerably older than her. And maybe that’s how all women then were referred to, no matter what their age, except the babushkas. A different time. As a woman, not one I would have liked to live in. And I remember how difficult it was being Dostoevsky’s wife. Their poverty and his gambling and depression and epileptic attacks. But the story. Finish it. Then we have to pick up my kids, if you still want to go with me.” “I do, I do.”

He first sees her at a party. She’s pretty, maybe even beautiful. Blond hair; simply dressed; nice body; animatedly talking to a woman. He can’t see from where he is if she has a wedding band on. He goes closer. If she doesn’t — even if she does — he’ll try to start up a conversation with her. He doesn’t know what he’ll say. “Hi. I’m Philip Seidel, a friend of Brad’s. You know him too or you’re a friend of a friend of his?” Not that. But something always comes.

But she’s always talking with one or two people. She went from that woman to a couple who seem to belong together. For a few seconds the couple holds hands. Then she’s talking to Brad, the host of this annual Christmas party. Then she’s standing by herself at the food table, looking as if she’s wondering what to put on the plate she’s holding. Now’s his chance. He starts over to her — is going to say something like “So you’re hungry too. Food looks good. He always does a great job on it—” but another guy gets to her first. She doesn’t seem to know him. They start talking and get food on their plates and get a glass of wine each and sit in chairs close together and eat and drink and talk. They laugh a few times. This goes on for about half an hour. Then he goes to the bathroom and when he comes back they’re no longer in their chairs. He walks through the apartment looking for her, hoping she’d be by herself again, and sees them in the foyer. She takes her coat off a coat hanger in the coat closet there. The guy already has his coat on and helps her out with hers. She must have come early, because when he got here that closet was filled. Maybe they knew each other before. It didn’t seem so. They talked and laughed like two people who had just met each other. He never did see if she had a wedding band on. Forgot about it. Anyway, too late to introduce himself to her. If only he had gone over too her sooner. Especially when she was talking to Brad. That would have been the perfect time.