Stephen Dixon - Garbage

Two men come in and sit at the bar. I say “How you doing, fellas, what’ll it be?”

“What are you, about to close?” the stocky one says.

“No, it’s just empty for a change. Still want to stay?”

“Sure. Beers. Whatever you got.”

“I have draft, I have bottles. Domestic and imported in both.”

“Two draft whatever kind you want. We’re in no rush.”

“Got you.”

I draw the beer and give it to them, ring up the tab and set it down between them.

“You Shaney?” the stocky one says.

“That’s right.”

“You’re the owner of this bar.”

“Owner and bartender both.”

“Well lookit, Shaney, you pour a good beer. Nice head on it. You don’t often get a head on beer anymore at bars and you got a beaut on yours. That’s good.”

“It’s the way you draw the beer that gives it the head. I can almost make the head any size I want.”

“Yeah, how so?”

“You hold the glass under the spout a certain way, at a forty-five degree angle, like this.” I take a glass from the sink rack and hold it at the forty-five degree angle in front of them. “Then when—”

“Put it under the tap for real and pour yourself one on us.”

“No thanks. I have only one drink a day and that’s a stiff belt at the end of the evening after I close.”

“Smart man. Won’t drink more yourself because you know what it does to you. That’s unusual for a bartender.”

“Not so much when he owns the place.”

“But you were saying about pouring your beer, Shaney?”

“How’d you know my name by the way?”

“Oh, a pal of ours comes in here and says it’s a good spot for a sandwich and beer and your name’s Shaney, that’s all.”

“What’s his name?”

“Dave is it?” he asks the thinner man.

“Dave. I don’t know his last.”

“Dave?” I say. “I don’t think I know a Dave, at least not well enough to say I know the name right away.”

“He used to come in,” the stocky one says “and maybe he still does. And we were around the neighborhood, doing some late work here — we’re salesmen — and I said there’s where Dave mentioned that bar and the owner’s name is Shaney. If your name was John or Jim I wouldn’t’ve remembered it.”

“That’s what he told me,” the thinner man says. “The part about there’s where you are.”

“But about getting the good head on the beer. Show me carefully so I can tell my other bartender friends who don’t know about it.”

“I’m sure they all do, if they’ve been tending bar for more than a week. It’s not a new trick.”

“No, you’d be surprised. Most of them say it’s the beer today that won’t make a good head. So it’ll be my kind of service to them, you could say, because I know it should bring in more customers. Every drinker likes a big head on his beer, one he can wipe off his lips.”

“You actually want to know?”

“Why, do I sound like I’m kidding you?”

“In a way.”

“I’m not, honestly. Go ahead, show me.”

“You hold the glass like this, pull down the tap and let the beer out of it into the glass. Then when the beer’s about an inch and a half from the top, you pop the tap handle to its nonpouring position same time you straighten the glass under the spout and catch the beer that’s still coming out. Of course you can’t be at the end of your keg and you have to have enough pressure in the pipes and the beer’s got to be a certain temperature — forty-two degrees is the best. Not too warm or too cold.”

“Now I know. By the way, Shaney—”

“You want another beer? I’m not pushing, but you finished yours so fast.”

“No thanks. It’ll get me fat.”

“On the house. Always a free one after the first one for a new customer who looks like he might drop in again, and you’re under no obligation to take more than a sip from it.”

“Okay, what the hell. Give me another.”

“Me too,” the thinner man says “not that I’m asking for it on the house. He’s having one, I’m going to too.” He drains his glass and gives me it.

“Listen,” I say “you’re a new customer too.”

I get two glasses out of the refrigerator and draw them another beer each.

“It also helps to have a fresh chilled glass to get that head,” I say, giving them their beers.

“By the way, Shaney,” the stocky one says “who does your trash pickup?”

“My garbage? What’s that to you? I’m curious.”

“You see, we also represent a company that does garbage pickup and they’d like to pick up for you. Stovin Private Carting Service.”

“Never heard of it. Eco Carting does mine. They’re good and reliable and come in the worst of storms, so I’m sorry but I can’t.”

“Well we’re new around here, though very modern and organized, and would like to pick up for you instead of Eco. How about it?”

“I told you, I’d like to. But I don’t even have that much garbage for one carter.”

“If you don’t let us cart for you there might be heavy trouble with Stovin’s when I tell them. They want to cart all the business garbage in the area — at least all the bars around here and grocery stores. Kelly’s Bar just signed with us and he was being picked up by Eco before.”

“Look, what are you guys? You musclemen, that it? Well I like Eco, been with them for years, and that’s that, okay? So get lost.”

“You want a broken window, Shaney?”

“Don’t start with me. Two of you, I’ll still give you a busted head each.”

“And don’t give us that tough crap talk either.”

“He’s right,” the thinner man says. “Don’t be smart, Shaney. Better for your health. Better for all our healths, because if we start having it out, everybody’s going to get hurt.”

“My health is good. Don’t threaten me. Do, I can call the police.”

“You just do that,” the stocky one says. “Just do. You’ll not only have broken windows, you’ll have a burnt-out bar. Now what do you say? Our rates may be a little higher than Eco. But we’re a very good carting service, very reliable too. Sun or rain, and if any other carter tries to move in on you, just tell us and we’ll deal with them for you.”

“I don’t need any protection from anyone but you.”

“Get Eco to protect you then.”

“They don’t do that. They’re an honest carter.”

“So are we. Except we need the business now, a lot of business, as we invested heavily in trucks and stuff and don’t want to stay in debt. So I’ll ask you a last time. You changing over to us?”

“Just a matter of curiosity, what are your rates?”

“Sixty a month.”

“You crazy? Eco’s is thirty-five.”

“I said we’re a little higher. But it’ll be worth it. We pick up five mornings a week.”

“Eco does it every morning but Monday.”

“I’m telling you what we do, not Eco. Maybe we can pick up more trash for you than them — how about that?”

“They take away everything I put on the street. And if it’s something like an old sink that’s too heavy for me, they come right inside.”

“Hey, I’m tired of talking. You in with us or not?”

“All I want is for you to get out of here, all right? Don’t worry about paying.” I grab the tab and tear it up and throw it on the floor. “There. Now just get out.”

“I’d like some kind of answer for my company.”

“You don’t know what to tell them?”

“Don’t get too excited with your words, Shaney. Be nice, stay calm. Let my bosses know through me you’re both those ways. That’s the minimum I can do for you for your foam lesson and free beers. If I were you I’d tell me to tell them you’re thinking about it. That way you have time.”