Carrie Fisher - Postcards from the Edge

Julie said I can rejoin the group, so I’ll start gathering data. And I heard Suzanne’s leaving tomorrow. I’ve gotta talk to her, or else it’s like I made all this shit up. I don’t want to have to think I’m deluding myself that we have any kind of connection. She’s the one person here I really feel a connection with.

I have to admit, though, that maybe my attitude was bad. I guess now these people have to be my friends or something. This is like a joke. If there is a God, he’s like Shecky Greene, throwing me in a Ramada Inn with a bag of cocaine and then putting me back here again. Well, at least it’s a very dramatic story, and I’ve got some good characters to work with here. And this is my version of a breakthrough, so I don’t want the clouds to open and God to drop me a note. I don’t want to be religious. Something in between what Julie is and what I usually am is probably the way to go.

I mean, I would like to have some friends, but I want to have the cool people in AA as my friends. No smiling jerks, no zealous, crazed Republicans. I don’t want to be a Republican. It’s so uncool to be what some of these people are, and I hope they don’t expect… Okay, I won’t take dope again, but I’m not gonna become a Jesus freak. That’s it. You have to draw the line somewhere. I won’t do drugs, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna replace them with hearts and flowers. Forget it.

I’ve got to talk to Suzanne before she leaves. There’s a park outing in the morning, and I’m gonna go up to her and… It’s no big deal. I shouldn’t make a big deal or I’ll get all pressured and freaked out. But if I don’t talk to her I’ll beat myself up for the rest of the time I’m here. I can’t miss any more opportunities. And she’d talk to me. It’s like the changing of the guard of the new drugless generation. She’s going out and I’m staying in.

I’m sure there’s a lot of things we have in common. We could talk about not liking Stan. We could talk about Carl. We can’t talk to Carl because he never shuts up, but we could talk about Carl. I don’t know, and Sid. I could ask her if she misses Sid. Hey, we know a lot of the same people…

DAY TWENTY-NINE

At lunch Wanda said to me, “God, I really envy you being in all those movies. You really have it all.” I liked the concept of being envied by someone in a drug clinic while actually in a drug clinic.

Sometimes I don’t think I was made with reality in mind. And now I can look forward to an eternal, open-ended reality. A reality that dreams me without waking. Unrelieved reality. Some might call it a challenge, others a sentence. Whatever you call it, though, we here in the rehab—the newly clean and sober—belong to it as completely as slaves. Reality’s puppies.

Nomads, yes-men, kings.

…All right, all right, it’s park time. That horrible nurse is taking us to the park, the one with the shrill cartoon voice who clicks her keys on my door. On the other hand, maybe this is a good character: the Annoying Nurse. She could be a good antagonist for my protagonist.

How do I look? Shit, this sweater still smells. Well, I can’t worry about it. This is my last chance. I’m gonna talk to Suzanne and today’s the day. Here we go. God, this is so pathetic, with everyone waiting by the nurses’ station to go…

There she is! Oh, God, and she’s got her suitcase by her door. It’s like the end of camp. Drug camp. We should be making drug lanyards. Okay, here we go. Who can I latch on to so I seem like a part of it? I’m so out of it. If I’d done this before, this would be more natural and… Wait, there’s Carol.

“Hi, Carol. No, I feel better. I… I fucked up. Yeah. I’ve been on Inderal for a couple of days. They say my heartbeat is very accelerated. Anxiety? No, maybe it’s from the cocaine leaving my system.”

That sounded stupid.

“It’s probably from anxiety.”

Okay! Now!

“Hi. Hi, Suzanne.”

God, I should have said more. What else can I… Don’t look down at your feet. You don’t smell, you don’t smell. You look fine.

“Yeah, we haven’t really officially met. Yeah. I heard you’re going home today. You nervous at all? Yeah. Yeah, I was nervous when I went home. That’s true, I didn’t really go home like you’re going home. So, do you think you’ll come back and visit people?”

That’s dumb. I sound so desperate. Just be cool.

“You have any work lined up? Do you think it hurt your career to be a drug addict? Yeah, I guess it would. I guess it would. So, the park. Going to the park.”

Fuck, I can’t think of anything to say. What do you say? Tell her she looks good. I can’t. What will she think I’m trying to do, date her?

“So, you’re coming back to your group meetings next week. That’s smart, that’s very smart. Maybe I should do that. I mean, after I leave. You think I should? I’d like to know what you think I should do, because…”

I’m sounding like such a putz. Like Jim Nabors or something. Jesus! Just keep forging ahead.

“…I mean, you being the senior here at drug college and me for all intents and purposes a freshman…”

That sounded good. Okay, get on that roll.

“…Um, you know, I feel like you’re graduating, and I’m sort of new blood, you know, I don’t know all the rules. Is there anything you’d suggest? I mean, obviously, other than not doing drugs? Uh-huh, yeah. Let me ask you, what do you think of Stan? Really? I don’t know, I find him… Can I be frank about this? I think he’s very unpleasant. There was that one day we almost did have a conversation… Yeah, and I felt he was out of line. I mean, not that there are any lines in the clinic. I don’t mean that like a coke pun…”

Aauugh, she’s gonna think I’m a real moron.

“…You know, it doesn’t seem like there are any rules here other than not taking drugs, but I do think courtesy and decency could… I mean, as bad as I ever got on dope, I think I was always very cordial to everybody. Certainly, my dealers liked me. I mean, that sounds like a joke, but it’s true. My dealers did like me. So, um…”

Say something. Don’t let the air go dead. If you don’t keep talking she’ll walk away. She’s an actress, they like to talk and…

“What are you going to do about your career? You know, I wanted to talk to you about that. I mean, I know this sounds like I’m a moron in a drug clinic, right? But I don’t know if you know that I’m a writer and, um, I’ve just been chasing around this idea about maybe writing something about this and maybe you could take a look at it. Yeah, a script, and maybe you’d want to be in it. I mean, I don’t want to bother you…”

Don’t say stuff like that. Learn how to sell yourself.

“You would? You’d read it? That would be great. Well, I haven’t written it yet. I mean, you know, I like to get a lot of it in my mind first, and then when I think I’ve got the whole thing I put it down on paper. It just comes out. At least, I hope so. I haven’t tried to write without drugs yet. A journal? Really? You keep a journal? Was it your idea or… ? Uh-huh. And we don’t have to turn it in or anything at the end? That’s a good idea. So, do you write about… ? You write about people? You mean like Sid and Carl and everyone? Yeah, that sounds good.”

Look at her, she’s bored out of her mind. I’m gonna fucking kill myself.

“The swings? Sure. I mean, aren’t we too large? Won’t our legs go down in the sand and… ?”

Go! She asked you to go to the swings with her. Go!

“You want me to push you? I would be honored to push you in the swing. Should we ask that little boy to get off or… ? Do you see his mother anywhere? Oh, there’s one free, those little girls are leaving. Okay, I’ll push you. That’ll be great. It’ll be how I see you off. I’ll sort of push you off.”