Carrie Fisher - Postcards from the Edge

“(sniff) (sniff)”

What’s on MTV? I hate this song, I hate this song. Look at this band. Fucking look at this band. I’m not good-looking, am I? I never was good-looking. No wonder my parents don’t like me. Maybe they do like me. Where are my parents? They’re probably at my house rifling my drawers looking for the cocaine. Well, I’m not a drug addict. I’ve checked into a hotel and I’m working. What time is it? I don’t want to know. I’ll just call…

“Operator. What time is it? Thanks.”

Fuck, it’s 4:30. Maybe I should sleep. If I slept a little bit I could get up tomorrow afternoon and get back to work, really flesh this whole thing out. Maybe even call Barry Diller. Oh, man. All right, I’m lying down. I’m not wearing anything. I’m feeling good. I’ve got a great script idea, my first one in a while… Try to sleep. Just empty your mind. Fucking AM radio in there. Shut up! Shut my brain down. Just relax and go to sleep, wake up fresh.

Oooh, my heart’s going so fast. I can’t even keep my eyes closed. I better drink something. Shit, only one vodka left. God, I’m really sweating. I smell so bad. I shouldn’t have done so much cocaine so fast. Maybe I should just stop, not do any for a while. I’ll just do a couple more lines and then not do any for a while.

“ (sniff) Ooowww!”

What am I doing? This is fucking stupid. I’ve got to be able to sleep. No more cocaine. Please, God, let me go to sleep or I’ll never be able to write. I’ll never be able to do anything. I’m exhausted. My eyes burn. I’ll just lie here until it wears off a little bit, and then I’ll be able to get some shut-eye. Christ, it’s getting light out…

What is that noise? What is that? It can’t be the air conditioner, it’s boiling in here. Fuck it, I’ll just do another line. I might as well stay up all night. Hell, I used to do it when I was young. “Hey, man, let’s pull an all-nighter.” It can’t kill you. What am I getting so worked up about?

I should make myself eat something, absorb some of the alcohol. I wonder if that hamburger is still out in the hall… Here it is. All right, all right, just close your tastebuds and eat the hamburger. I should take a little blow to numb me to the taste.

“ (sniff) (sniff) Aaah, oh yeah.”

All right, so it’s morning. I’ll watch the sunrise. Like John Denver or something. Ooow, it’s too bright. Never mind. I’ll turn the air conditioning up…

All right, all right. I shouldn’t beat myself up about this. So I did some blow. Anybody could… I think it’s good research for the script. Certainly there should be a character who does a lot of blow at some point. Maybe the dealer…

Okay, so I’m up. So what do I do? I’ll take a bath. I’ll take a bath and then I’ll do a little more writing in a couple of hours. Maybe I’ll watch an old movie and get some ideas from that. Look at this wallpaper. It’s yellow . Who could think people could relax in yellow rooms? They’re probably like this all over the country…

I wonder if Suzanne realizes… She must miss me. Well, we’ll see each other again. Wait till I submit this script. She’ll come in and read for it and say, “Have I met you somewhere?” Yeah, I’ll surprise her. I’ll surprise everybody .

I shouldn’t have done so much blow. Why did I get this much? There’s so much left… The script. ’Cause I’m writing a script. I can’t write in a yellow room. Look at this bedspread … just lie down, put your head down and breathe. That’s right. Breathe, breathe. Everything’s all right. You have friends, you had a girlfriend—she was a bitch but you had a relationship—you have a life, you’re good-looking, you have a pretty good body… Breathe out, that’s it… You have parents, you’re a writer…

Aah, I feel a little bit better. Maybe I should get into an activity. I’ll chop the rest of the cocaine. I don’t want to do any more of these rocks. That’s probably why I don’t feel well… Maybe just one more hit…

“(sniff) (sniff)”

It’s so light in here, it’s too fucking light. There’s no window in the bathroom. I’ll chop it in there. But I can’t sit in a dark bathroom. I’ll seem insane. Well, who’s gonna see me? I’ll take a bath in the dark. I’ll chop a couple of lines for right after my bath. I’ll have a relaxing hot bath…

There, there, there. My bath is running, I’ve got it going. All right, this is good. This is good. I’ve got a good idea for a script, I’m young, my life is in front of me. Let’s go. All right, we’re chopping it up now, here we go. All right, yeah. Jesus, it’s a lot of blow…

“What? Who is it? No, I don’t want it! I don’t want the bed changed! Don’t! Don’t come in here! Get out of my room!”

I spilled the cocaine! I spilled the cocaine in the tub! I spilled all the blow in the bath!

“ Get out!!! Get out! I’m gonna sue this hotel! My watch! I gave away my two-thousand-dollar watch for… Get out! Get the fuck out of my room!!!”

What am I doing?! Get it out of the water! Oh my God, oh my God, the blow’s in the water! ! What do I do?… I’m hysterical. Calm down and shut up. Get a lamp! Dry out the rest that’s in the bag. I’ve got to save it! Three thousand dollars or whatever it cost… Okay. God, turn off the water. What have I done? Okay, okay, be cool. Oh my God, oh my God. The maid! This isn’t happening, this is not true. This could not happen to me… Put the wet coke on the towel, I can dry it under a light. Oh, oh, oh, I’m having a heart attack. Oh my God, I’m seeing stars. I’m dead… Put your head down…

“Uhhhh, uhhhhh…”

Oh my God, I’ve gotta call a doctor… What do I do? They’ll call the police, the maid’ll call the police ’cause I yelled so much… I don’t know what to do. I’ve gotta be a man…

I have that gram at home. If I had another couple of hits I could decide what to do… I can’t focus on this, it’s too unreal… They’ll call the police… My parents wouldn’t still be there. I’ll go get that gram… This is a nightmare… Maybe I can get my money back because the cocaine spilled. It wasn’t my fault. I wish they insured drugs… All right, all right, I’m leaving. I’m gonna be calm… Get your shirt on, here we go…

Okay, cool, no maids. Okay, here’s the elevator. Fuck, there’s people on it. Okay, keep your head down and breathe. They’re laughing at me. Oh my God. How did this happen to me?

“What do you mean, ‘How’s the weather in Miami?’ I don’t know anything about Miami.”

How could they talk to me? Look at them, all perfect and dressed and going to jobs. I’ll never have a life. I’m an animal. I’m an animal. I have a drug problem. Maybe I… Oh, no. Oh, no. I can’t get off the elevator. They’re like the New Christy Minstrels and I’m this devil from outer space. I’m nothing… Oh, Jesus, Jesus, I’ve got to go back to my room and think. I’m in trouble. This is big trouble now… I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t have any kind of a grasp… What am I doing? It’s like I’m killing myself…

I’ve gotta call someone. My nose is bleeding. I’ve gotta get someone… What am I doing here? What have I been doing? I got half an ounce of cocaine and checked into a hotel. What am I thinking?… My arm is numb… I have no taste in my mouth… I’m sick, I’m sick… I can’t call Stan. I can’t let him know… Know what?…

So maybe I can’t… I can’t do drugs. I did too many drugs, I hurt my face with drugs… I’ll call Julie, she was always nice. She was too nice, but she was nice. Maybe I could talk her into not telling anyone about this. I’m so embarrassed… What do I say? Help me, I’m a… Oh, Jesus, it’s hard. I don’t feel well, though. I’ve gotta… I’ll just disguise my voice and say I’m a friend of… No, no, I’ll just… Oh, fuck, I’ll just tell them to come and get me. This’ll be what it’s like if I don’t. I’ll be in rooms like this all my life, with drugs that go down the drain and yellow walls and hamburgers that move…