Сигрид Нуньес - Salvation City

“Oh my god.” For the third time that morning, Cole saw Addy recoil. “They’ve brainwashed you.”

Cole said nothing. He did not know how to explain. It wasn’t that he knew exactly what he wanted or what he believed or where he belonged—he was as confused and torn about these things as he had ever been. But he knew he wasn’t ready to pack up and leave today and go live with his aunt. He knew he didn’t want to be adopted by her. (He didn’t want to be adopted by anyone, was the conclusion he’d come to last night.) And he didn’t believe she really wanted him, either. He hadn’t forgotten what he’d been told.

“You don’t want me tying you down, Addy. I know you never wanted kids.”

He felt guilty, seeing her struggle. When she was able to speak again, she said, “Whether I wanted to have kids or not has nothing to do with this, Cole. Of course I want you! And what about your parents? We both know they’d be very, very unhappy about your being here, don’t we? It’s not just that ” (gesturing at the screensaver) “or that ” (the gun cabinet). “I sat with that woman—”

“Tracy.”

“—for a couple of hours yesterday, and I almost fell off my chair when she told me she’s been homeschooling you. A person like that could never pass herself off as a teacher in any other civilized country. In fact, homeschooling is illegal in Germany. And let me tell you something, Cole. There are Christians everywhere, but it’s only here that you have this craze for keeping kids out of school and trying to ban whatever’s not in the Bible. I know you’re too smart to believe there were dinosaurs on Noah’s ark, but what kind of education can you be getting from people who do believe that?”

She kept trying to look him in the eye, but he kept his head down. He wondered if PW had unpacked the van all by himself that morning. He wondered if PW’s shins ached as much as his own did today.

Addy’s voice softened. “If you tell me they’re not monsters, okay, I accept that. You wouldn’t care about them if they hadn’t been good to you. But I don’t trust them. I don’t trust a preacher who lies when it’s convenient for him. Besides, I’ve checked this guy out. It’s not like he’s a real ordained minister or has a degree in divinity or anything like that.” (Cole didn’t see how, if you didn’t believe in religion at all, these things could make any difference.) “As for those two praying for me, well, if they are, I know what they’re praying for. They’re praying the scales will fall from my eyes and I’ll start believing the same incredibly dumb things they do. But it’s not going to happen, Cole, not any more than this rapture thing is going to happen. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“Please don’t get upset.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t help it. It’s not that I’m upset with you , Cole. I know none of this is your fault. It’s just that, whenever I thought about this moment, I never pictured it happening like this. I guess I wouldn’t let myself think you might not want to come with me.”

Had he ever seen Addy cry before? He didn’t think so. But nothing she could have done at that moment could have evoked his mother more powerfully. (Why did we come here? We never should have come!) He sat there as he had done so often with his mother, anguished with guilt but unable to comfort her. And it struck him what it would be like living with Addy, seeing his mother and hearing her voice every day. They had the same smile, the same laugh, the same way of crying.

He would have cried himself then if Addy hadn’t quickly pulled herself together.

“You know what I think?” she said, sitting up very straight. “I think we need to talk about something else. I think you should talk for a while.”

“Me? About what?”

“About you. About your life, your friends—whatever you want.”

She had to keep prodding him, and though his heart wasn’t in it, he tried. She asked a lot of questions, listened intently to every word he said, asked more questions, and after half an hour announced that she wanted to see his room. Cole balked. It was a pigsty, he said. But that was an exaggeration (Tracy tidied his room often), and when Addy insisted, he gave in and led her upstairs.

He both wanted and didn’t want to show her his drawings. He felt her stiffen at the biblical ones, but he could tell she was being truthful when she said she admired them.

“I had no idea you were such a gifted draftsman.”

“It’s fun,” he said. “Someday I want to publish a book.”

She was more interested, though, in the many drawings of Starlyn. “I don’t suppose your wanting to stay here could have anything to do with her?”

It was like a light slap. “No. Who said that?” But even as he denied it he saw how it might be true. At which his face burned, and a drowning sensation engulfed him.

Back downstairs, they found Tracy alone in the kitchen. PW was at the church, she said, and she was going outside to do some gardening. They’d find the ham salad sandwiches she’d made them for lunch in the fridge.

“But if that won’t do, Miss Abrams, please just help yourself. Let’s see. Chips in the bread box, fig bars in the cookie jar. And that coffee in the pot is fresh.”

Tracy was smiling, but her eyes and nose were red, and her voice was the voice of a small child trying not to be scared.

Just a few months ago it had felt very strange to Cole to pray before a meal; now it felt strange not to pray.

They were both too hungry not to eat, but they did so slowly, tentatively, like convalescents, or people breaking a fast. Addy finished her sandwich first and, ignoring the fresh coffee, made herself tea.

“It really is very peaceful and sheltered here,” she said as she carried her cup to the table. Cole wasn’t sure whether she meant the town or the house or maybe just the kitchen. He didn’t think he had to respond, though. He was feeling calmer now, partly because Addy herself was calmer but also because he knew she’d soon be gone.

He expected her to light another cigarette after lunch, but she didn’t. He wondered if the ashes in the desk canister had been discovered yet, and wished he’d thought to dump them.

Cole was right, Addy was leaving, but she still had some things to say. It was as if she had done a lot of thinking in the short time since her outburst.

“Before I got here yesterday, the picture I had of you was very different. In my mind, you were still just this little boy. But in fact you’ve changed more than I could’ve imagined. You’ve grown up so much, Cole, you’re like a young man now—so handsome and so serious!—and I know I can’t just pick you up and carry you off in my arms. And I understand that maybe I was in too big a rush. I didn’t handle this whole situation very delicately, and I’m sorry about that. But we need to move on.

“I’ve decided the best thing for me to do is to leave you here for now, go back to Lara’s, and give you some time to think. But that means really think for yourself, not just accept what everyone around here believes or tries to tell you. And I want you to remember that my leaving doesn’t mean I’m giving up. I still want you to come away with me, but I need you to want it, too, and right now I can see that you don’t.

“I’m going, but before I go, you and I have to agree on some things. First, you have to promise me we’ll be in touch. I need to know that, no matter what happens, you won’t disappear, you won’t go anywhere without letting me know, you won’t let anyone talk you into breaking off contact with me. Second, I want you to promise to think about your education. I want you to think about whether the way you’re being taught here is any preparation for getting into a good college, and what this could mean for your future. You should know that, once your parents’ affairs are straightened out, you’ll have some money coming to you, certainly enough to pay for college.