Amy Yamada - Bedtime Eyes

Of all the other men she had been with, who else had been able to make her feel like this? It was like sand in an hourglass. An upside-down hourglass. But you couldn’t tell which way was the right way up anymore. The more you looked at it, the more an upside-down hourglass stopped being upside down, and like the sand, her feelings flowed silently, never ending.

Jesse came back at lunchtime and acted as if nothing had happened the night before. He ate the lunch Coco made for him and thanked her then left again. Coco just watched, refusing to believe he could have forgotten what had happened. She could see that he was making an effort to accept her, but she couldn’t understand what had made him change his mind.

Jesse had said that if Coco loved him, he would love her, too. Very cunning. In the end he’d managed to put the burden on her—she was the one who had to make the first move. It was almost funny. Coco used : to look down on women who had to make an effort to be loved.

Rick was getting ready for work, checking through some papers for the night job he had started recently. He seemed aware that Coco had slept soundly in his arms the night before and acted as if he didn’t have a care in the world. He believed that everything was okay as long as Coco was smiling and Jesse was safe. “Okay” was enough for Rick, and Coco wasn’t irritated by that. In fact, she thought all their problems could be solved if she could only be as easygoing as he was. She was envious of him, and when she looked at him it reminded her of how weak she really was.

After Rick had gone to work, Coco finished eating dinner with Jesse in silence and later settled down to read a book. She avoided talking to Jesse and whenever he caught her eye or tried to say something, she felt awkward and looked away. To her surprise, she felt shy when Jesse looked at her. It was almost like she was a teenager in love again.

After a few days, Jesse started looking at her strangely. Now that he had stopped playing tricks on her and he wasn’t annoying her anymore, she had started to avoid him. Maybe he realized she was staying out of his way, and that was why he stopped waking her in the morning to make his breakfast and started making it himself. From the bedroom, Coco could hear him in the kitchen. She knew what he was doing, but she didn’t bother getting up. It didn’t occur to her to help him. Maybe she was just trying to avoid his eyes. She didn’t know how Jesse saw her anymore. It was only when she heard him get his bag and close the door behind him that she could relax again. With Rick snoring beside her, exhausted from working the night shift, she was able to just go back to sleep.

One night, she woke to the sound of fire engines. It sounded like there was a fire close to their apartment, and she could hear the neighbors getting up to go out and see it. She told herself it wouldn’t be a big fire and nestled back under the comforter, but the buzz of people outside the apartment prevented her from falling back to sleep. She always got scared when Rick wasn’t at home and there was something happening outside. She could hear Steve next door kicking up a fuss, so it wasn’t long before she was wide awake.

As she tossed and turned, there was a knock on the bedroom door.

Without waiting for an answer, Jesse came in. She wondered if he was unable to sleep because he was scared by the fire, but his face was excited and he talked rapidly.

“Hey, Coco, you want to go see the fire? It must be a really big one.”

“I’m not sure It’s cold out there.”

“We could watch it from the balcony.”

Reluctantly, she got out of bed and put her dressing gown on, but she had to admit that she was curious about just how big the fire was.

Walking through the apartment with the lights off, Coco bumped into the table and stumbled over one of the chairs. She cursed under her breath, but Jesse took her by the hand and led her over to the window.

He was so excited about the fire that he didn’t seem to realize he was holding her hand.

Coco realized, of course, but she was too surprised to pull it away.

Jesse’s hand wasn’t small like hers. It wasn’t as soft as hers either. It had the muscles and veins of a man’s hand. Nervous in case he realized her palm was already sweating, she tried to relax as they stepped out onto the balcony together.

The fire seemed farther away than she had expected, but it was a big fire and it was out of control; the sky glowed red above it. Their neighbor Steve was out on the road in front of the apartment, talking loudly about the fire and where it had broken out.

Jesse gazed out over the balcony at the raging downtown fire. Bathed in the incandescent glow, he looked so pure and innocent. Until a moment earlier, he had been holding Coco’s hand, and now it felt as though that hand were the only part of her body that was warm.

There were lots of fire engines, sirens wailing and lights flashing.

Coco felt cold and pulled her dressing gown tightly around her. Jesse was clad in just his pajamas, but he didn’t seem to feel the cold as he stared at the fire. Coco couldn’t find anything to say.

Finally, Jesse spoke.

“Are you scared?” he asked, as if he had just noticed her standing next to him.

“No, just cold,” she replied.

“You can tell me the truth. I know you’re scared really, aren’t you?

Girls are all the same. They get scared over every little thing and then they start crying.”

“No, really, I’m not scared at all. The fire’s way over there and will never reach us here.”

“Okay, you can say what you want. I know you’re really scared. But listen, you don’t need to worry, okay? I’m here with you. Daddy’s not here, but I am.”

Coco was speechless. Jesse had seen straight through her and found her weak spot. She was a grown woman and he was still just a little kid, but their roles had been reversed—in Jesse’s mind. He had decided that, as a woman, Coco was the weak one, whereas he was on the verge of manhood.

He’d realized that Coco was in a difficult position and he knew that she might have to leave the man she loved if he didn’t do something to prevent it. He was beginning to understand his role as a man; that it was part of his job to protect the weak. Maybe he finally understood that when he saw Coco’s reaction when he tried to look at her.

As for Coco, she was able to see that, now that he knew she could never be his mother, Jesse was trying to treat her like a lady—a lady who was living with him and his father. In that instant a great weight lifted from her shoulders, and she was finally able to tell him how she really felt.

“I don’t want to be your mother,” she said.

The tangled thoughts flying around inside her head had formed a single, simple sentence as the words left her mouth.

“I know,” replied Jesse, “I’ve already got a mama. You’re my dad’s girlfriend.”

“And I love your dad.”

“I know that, too, but what I don’t understand is why you like him.

He’s just a damn drunk.”

“Of course you don’t understand. You’re still just a kid. You don’t even have a girlfriend yet.”

“Yeah? Well, maybe that’s because I’m a homo…”

“What?”

“I’m only joking!” he said with a grin. “Oh, shoot, the fire’s gone out already.”

Coco could hardly believe she was finally having a normal conversation with Jesse! She was almost in tears. It was exactly what she had wished for all along. She didn’t want gratitude for her efforts to look after him. And she didn’t want him to love her like his mother. She just wanted him to treat her like a woman.

Coco put her hand on his back as she followed him in from the balcony. He was so skinny that she could feel his ribs and each of the bones in his spine. No love. No layers of hate. Just bones.