Amy Yamada - Bedtime Eyes

He took a sip of his gin.

“Just think about it—when I die, you’ll be the one who suffers most. I guess Coco will be sad and cry a little, too, but she’ll have no problem finding someone to take my place when I’m gone. But what can you do? You can’t go out and get yourself a new daddy, can you? You’ve only got one daddy and that’s me. So until you’re big enough to fend for yourself you’re gonna need me. I am your dad. Aren’t I important to you? Don’t you even care if I’m lonely because I don’t have someone to love? Right now I need Coco. And if she leaves because of you, how do you think that’s going to make me feel? Are you gonna tell me you want me to live without a woman? That ain’t fair, Jesse. I’ve got a woman and that woman is Coco. So if you want me to keep on being your dad, you’re going to have to start accepting her. I don’t think you understand how great it feels to be in love. It’s great. There’s nothing better.”

Jesse appeared to be deep in thought. But Coco wasn’t happy just to hear that Rick loved her. She knew that if Jesse decided to bite the bullet and force himself to accept her for Rick’s sake, while they might be able to get along with each other, they would never have more than a superficial relationship. That was all she had wanted in the beginning, of course, but that didn’t seem to be enough anymore, especially since she had met his mother.

“Did you used to love Mama as much as you love Coco now?” asked Jesse finally.

“Yes, I did. But I loved her in a different way. Don’t you think Coco’s a nice girl? You know, being in love is the best, man. Why don’t you try to love her, too?”

Jesse looked down at the floor in silence. The pages of the magazine on his lap had been scrunched up in frustration.

“Don’t you like her?” pressed Rick.

“It ain’t like that….”

“Okay, I’ll tell you what I think. I think you’ve already started liking her. But you see, the thing is, when you like a girl, you’ve gotta tell her.

If you don’t tell her you like her, she’ll run away.”

“I… I… I…” Jesse began to whine. “I hate her!” he shouted, and burst into tears. His sobs sounded like the howls of a little wolf.

“I love my mama,” he sobbed. “I love my mama!”

Coco sighed. It was over. Jesse may have been wrapped in layers of hate, but underneath it all he was full of love—unrequited love for his mother.

Now Coco knew what she had to do: she had to leave. She knew it would take time to get over Rick and that she would be very sad for a while, but as he had explained to Jesse, that pain would disappear. She would just have to get used to the idea of losing him.

There were no tears in her eyes this time. She felt as though all the time she had spent with Jesse had been leading up to this moment.

What had started as a chance meeting had developed into a challenge, and at one point, she thought she was getting close to Jesse. She remembered the time she had thought Jesse was beginning to warm to her a little. Sure, he had given her a hard time, but in a way he couldn’t help it.

He knew what love was, but however much he tried to express his feelings, the thick layer of pain wrapped around his heart would not allow him to show it. Coco could not imagine how much the internal conflict must have hurt him. Rick had told Coco he loved her, but Jesse needed him most.

Jesse cried as if his guts were being wrenched out. Rick had never seen him in such a state before and just looked on in silence. As usual, Rick didn’t understand what was going on. Someday, thought Coco, the fact that they had the same blood running through their veins might help solve their problems and make everything all right again.

Coco had made up her mind.

“Jesse,” she said quietly, “I’ve decided it would be best for me to leave. You listen to what your daddy tells you, okay? And you might not believe me, but just remember that I really tried my best to get along with you.”

The howls had subsided, but Jesse hung his head and continued to cry. Coco felt as miserable as if she had been dumped by a boyfriend.

Usually, whenever she went after a guy, he would fall madly in love with her and everything worked out fine. But this time, things hadn’t gone as she had expected.

“Coco, don’t leave me,” whispered Rick falteringly.

She hesitated. Rick didn’t look exactly lost, but she could hear a note of despair in his voice.

“Jesse, if you don’t say something now, it’s gonna be just the two of us again.”

Coco didn’t expect Jesse to say anything, but even if he did, and even if he tried to stop her from leaving, she knew it wouldn’t be because he wanted her to stay, but because his father had asked him to.

Jesse stood up and opened his mouth as if he was about to speak.

Coco waited to hear what he had to say. She was sure it would be the last time they spoke to each other.

“I… I…” stammered Jesse, then he groaned and lurched forward, violently throwing up his lunch all over the carpet.

Coco stood and watched, not even moving forward to rub his back.

He continued to retch painfully and after a few moments she noticed blood was pouring out of his nose, too. She grabbed a box of tissues from the table and was about to wipe the blood away when the howling started again.

Blood, vomit, and bestial howling. Coco could not believe the scene that had unfolded before her. The whole thing was so upsetting that she didn’t know what to do next. And then Jesse spoke.

“I love Coco,” he spluttered. “If she loves me, I love her, too.”

It was the sound of the rock salt cracking.

Jesse finished throwing up, rinsed his mouth out in the bathroom, and without another word, went up to bed.

Coco was in a daze, but Rick’s voice brought her to her senses. He was smiling. He had just been sitting, watching them the whole time.

“Well,” he said, standing up from the table, “I don’t want to clean that up!”

He motioned toward the stinking mess all over the carpet. Coco knew it would be up to her to take care of it and the idea made her feel sick.

She knew she wouldn’t be able to leave right away, and she felt as though she had somehow been tricked into staying. She decided to take her time clearing up the mess—first she had something she wanted to ask Rick.

“Who were you with tonight?”

Rick burst out laughing.

“I wasn’t with anyone—I was alone,” he replied.

She told him what Jesse had said.

Rick knitted his brow in feigned concentration.

“I am not…” he began.

Coco took a deep breath. She was sure she was going to be angry.

“I’m not that young anymore.”

And with those few words, she knew she’d lost her chance to escape.

“Come to bed when you’re finished,” Rick told her, heading to the bathroom.

While cleaning up the filthy remains of Jesse’s lunch, it seemed to Coco that that was a much better idea than leaving.

The next morning, Coco woke up next to Rick. She looked in Jesse’s room but he had already left the house, and the kitchen table was littered with bits of breakfast cereal.

She remembered making love the night before. Rick had been so gentle with her that it felt as though he was soothing away all the aches and pains she had suffered since she had moved in with him. It wasn’t the same sort of aggressive, passionate sex they’d had together when they first met, but it made Coco feel relaxed, like she had spent her whole life in bed. And it had been quite a while since Coco had been in bed with Rick without being disturbed by the image of Jesse’s face in her mind.

After Rick fell asleep, Coco lit herself a cigarette. It gave her a peaceful feeling to watch him sleeping. And it was that feeling, she told herself, that was the reason she was throwing her former life away for him.