Iris Murdoch - Under the Net

'We need a jack,' said Finn.

I took two chairs and put them one at each end of the cage 'Lift it on to these,' I said.

We began to lift, but as we did so Mars's paws, slipping through the bars as soon as the cage left the floor, pulled the curtain into a tangle. At the same time he began to bark loudly. We put the cage down again.

I looked at Finn. He was sweating. He looked at me. 'I've just thought of something else,' he said quietly.

'What is it?' I asked him.

'Even suppose we were to tie the two ends of the curtain together underneath,' said Finn, 'the knot would pull the curtain up into a rope on the inside of the bars, so it wouldn't even then be spread out under his feet. Do you see what I mean?'

I saw what he meant. We leaned pensively against the two ends of the cage.

'Perhaps after all it would be better to try twine,' said Finn. 'If we were to thread two pieces into the curtain rings at each end, and then make two holes...'

'To hell with it!' I cried. 'We'll try nothing more,' and I began to drag the curtain out from under Mars's feet. He forthwith seized the corner of it in his mouth and wouldn't let go.

'Get it away from him!' I told Finn.

'You do that,' said Finn, 'and I'll pull.'

With difficulty I forced Mars's mouth open, and we rescued what remained of the curtain. After that I sat on the floor and leaning my head against the bars I began to laugh hysterically.

I've thought of something too,' I told Finn.

'What?'

'Perhaps it won't go through the door after all!'

I was laughing so much I could hardly get this out. Then Finn began to laugh too, and we both lay on the floor and laughed like maniacs until we could do nothing more but groan.

Alter that we started hunting for where Sammy kept his whisky, and when we had found it we had a couple of stiff ones. Finn showed signs of wanting to settle down to this, but I led him back to the cage.

'Come on!' I told Finn briskly, 'and let him do what he likes with his feet!'

We lifted the upended cage from the ground, holding it at each end by the bars. At first Mister Mars began to slip and slither; but it was soon evident that in our anxiety about his welfare we had reckoned without his own intelligence. As soon as he realized that he had nothing to stand on but the bars, he tucked up his legs and lay stretched out along the side of the cage, looking a little uncomfortable but perfectly calm. When we saw this we began to laugh again so much that we had to put the cage down.

'For heaven's sake!' I said at last, and we marched towards the door.

The cage itself was very light, and most of the weight was Mars. It wasn't difficult to carry. I held my breath. The thing jarred against the doorway.

'Steady!' I said to Finn, who was going first. He was facing me and walking backwards and I could see his eyes growing as round as saucers. We jostled it and edged it in silence. Then Finn was stepping backwards into the hallway, and the cage was sliding through the door like a piston through a cylinder. There wasn't half an inch to spare.

'We've done it!' cried Finn.

'Wait,' I said, 'there's the other door.'

We opened the door into the corridor. The cage slid through it as if it were greased with vaseline. We put it down outside and shook hands. I stepped back into Sammy's flat, and took a last look at the living-room; it looked rather like a battle scene, but I didn't see that I could do anything about that.

I was about to close Sammy's front door, when Finn said, 'Look, even if we can get out of the building, how are we going to get this thing away? The police will be asking us what we're doing.'

'We'll get a taxi,' I said.

'This won't go into an ordinary taxi,' said Finn; 'we'd have to find one with a hood that takes down.'

'Then we'll hire a lorry, I don't care,' I told him.

'But where'll we put it meanwhile?' said Finn.

I breathed deeply. 'Look,' I said, 'you're right of course. You go out and find a bloody taxi whose bloody hood takes down, or a lorry, or whatever you please, if you can do it in ten minutes. If you can't, come back and we'll carry it out and be damned. I'll wait here.'

'Hadn't you better wait inside?' said Finn.

We looked deep into each other's eyes. Then we picked up the cage and carried it back into Sammy's flat.

'I'll wait in the corridor,' I said, 'and if Sammy appears I'll just make off. If I'm not here when you come back you'll know we've had it.'

We shook hands again and Finn went away. I stood in the corridor biting my knuckles and listening to every sound. The thought that even at this late moment Mars could slip through my fingers tormented me into a frenzy. I went and looked at him and talked to him through the bars. Then I went into Sammy's kitchen and found a couple of pork chops which I presented to him. Then I went back to my post in the corridor.

After about five minutes I heard feet on the stairs and was preparing to fly, but it was Finn. He looked amazingly cool. 'I've got a taxi with a hood,' he said.

We lifted the cage and once more slid it out into the passage. I closed Sammy's door. Then we set off towards the stairs. 'We'll go out the back way,' I said, 'and avoid the porter.'

'The taxi's at the front door,' said Finn.

'Well then, we'll carry the damn thing round the outside of the building!'

Then Mars dropped one of his chops and I trod on it and we nearly fell down the first flight of stairs. But I was beyond caring. When we got to the ground floor we turned sharply towards the tradesmen's entrance, Finn leading the way.

When we reached the tradesmen's door we found it was locked. We had just made this discovery when a voice behind us said 'Hey!' and we jumped as if we'd been shot at. It was the porter. He was a burly slow-looking man with an obstinate expression.

'Can't go out that way, you know,' he said.

'Why not?' I asked.

'Because it's shut at four-thirty,' he said.

Well then, we'll go out the other way,' I told him. I would have broken his neck just then to get Mars out of the building. 'Pick it up!' I said to Finn. We picked it up.

Hey! Not so fast!' said the porter and barred our way. He was chewing gum.

'We're in a hurry,' I told him. 'Forward march!' I said to Finn, and we started making for the main entrance, brushing the porter aside. I could see now, through the glass doors, the taxi waiting, and the taxi-driver, and it was like the sight of the promised land.

The porter went ahead of us and put his hand on the door. 'Not so fast I said,' he said.

'I said we were in a hurry,' I said.

I've got to know what you're doing, you know,' said the porter, 'and what's your authority.'

We're removing this animal from the building,' I said, 'and our authority is Mr Starfield. Have you any objection?'

The porter ruminated. Then at last he said, 'Objection? I should just think not! Again and again I told Mr Starfield it's against the rules, I told him, to have pet animals in these flats. It's not a pet animal, he says to me, it's a performing dog. Performing dog! I says to him, it'd better not perform here or I'll have the trustees on you, I said. I've told you it's against the rules, I said. If I liked I could have you turned out, I said. And it's no good your offering me money neither. I don't want to lose my job, do I? I got to do my job, ain't I? It isn't for myself I mind, I told him. What's it to me if you bring a dog in, I told him. I don't mind for a dog any more than for a woman, I told him. But it's the rules...'

While this was going on we got Mars out into the street. The taxi-driver, who had lowered the hood of his taxi, began to help us to lift the cage on. It took up the whole of the back of the taxi, lying tilted with one end down almost on the floor and the other end jutting out over the hood at the back. Poor old Mars was now back on his aluminium floor, but as it was tilting at an angle of forty-five degrees he was slithered down against the bars, together with his water-bowl, which rattled madly as we adjusted the cage. He held grimly on to his remaining pork chop and this mercifully prevented him from barking.