Iris Murdoch - Under the Net

'Poor boy!' I said. 'You know,' I said to Finn, 'it's very odd this dog being here. I've never seen anyone put a dog in a cage like that, have you?'

'I suppose it's some sort of special dog,' said Finn. Then I whistled. There suddenly came back to my mind what Sammy had said about a new star; and in that moment I recognized the animal.

'Did you ever see Red Godfrey's Revenge?' I asked Finn, or Five in a Flood?'

'Is it cracked you are?' said Finn.

'Or Stargazers' Farm or Dabbling in the Dew?'

'What are you at at all?' he said.

'It's Mister Mars!' I cried, pointing at the beast. 'It's Marvellous Mister Mars, the dog star. Don't you recognize him? Sammy must have bought him for the new film!' I was so fascinated by this discovery that I forgot all about the typescript. Nothing thrills me so much as meeting a film star in real life, and I had been a fan of Mars for years.

'Och, you're potty,' said Finn, 'all Alsatians look alike. Come away now before himself arrives back on us.'

'But it is Mars!' I cried. 'Aren't you Mister Mars?' I said to the dog. It pranced and wagged its tail faster than before. 'There you are!' I said to Finn.

'A fat lot that tells you!' said Finn. 'Aren't you Rin Tin Tin?' he said to the dog, who wagged its tail faster still.

'Well, what about this?' I said.

Inscribed unobtrusively along the top of the cage were the words: Marvellous Mister Mars--and on the other side The property of Plantasifilms Ltd.

'That bit's out of date,' I said.

'I'll not dispute it then,' said Finn. 'I'm off,' he added and made for the door.

'Oh wait!' I said, in such a tone of anguish that he stopped.

I was beginning to have a wonderful idea. While it came slowly up I held both hands pressed to my temples and kept my eyes fixed on Mister Mars, who gave one or two soft encouraging barks as if he knew what was coming into my mind.

'Finn,' I said slowly, 'I have an absolutely wonderful idea.'

'What?' said Finn suspiciously.

'We'll kidnap the dog,' I said.

Finn stared at me. 'What in the world for?' he said.

'Don't you see?' I cried, and as the glorious daring and simplicity of the scheme became even plainer to me I capered about the room. We'll hold him as a hostage, we'll exchange him for the typescript!'

Finn's look of puzzlement softened into a look of patience. He leaned against the edge of the door. 'They wouldn't play,' he said, speaking slowly as to a child or a lunatic, 'and why should they indeed? We'll only get ourselves in trouble. And anyway, there wouldn't be time.'

'I won't go away from here empty handed!' I told him.

The time element was certainly serious. But I felt a feverish desire to become an actor in this drama. It was worth taking a risk with Mars. Sammy's position over the typescript was just dubious enough to restrain him from getting tough. If I could embarrass him by detaining Mars, or even persuade him that Mars's safety was at stake, he might at least be made to parley about the typescript. In fact, I had no really clear plan in my mind at all. I am a swift intuitive type of thinker. All I knew was that I had a bargaining-point under my hand and that I would be a fool not to take advantage of it. Even if the whole manoeuvre did no more than annoy and inconvenience Sammy, it would have been worth it. I explained all this to Finn as I started to examine the cage to see how it opened. Finn, who now saw that my mind was made up, shrugged his shoulders and started examining the cage too, while Mars followed us round inside, watching our movements with obvious approval.

The thing was mysterious. There was no door in it, and no locks or bolts or screws, so far as we could see. The bars fitted closely into the roof and the floor.

'Perhaps one side comes away,' I said. But there was no sign of any special fastening. The whole thing was a smooth as a pebble. 'It's soldered in,' said Finn.

'It can't be,' I said. 'Surely no one carried the thing upstairs like this.'

'Well, it's some trick modern fitting,' said Finn. This didn't help. 'If we had a good hammer and knew where to tap it...' he said. But we hadn't. I battered it for some time with my shoe, but nothing gave.

'Can't we break the bars?' I suggested.

'They're as hard as the Divil's forehead,' said Finn.

I went to the kitchen to look for a tool, but I couldn't find a screw-driver, let alone a crowbar. We tried a poker on the bars, but bent it without their yielding a millimetre. I was frantic. I would have sent Finn out for a file, only it was getting late. He was looking at his watch. It was ten past four. I knew he was straining to be away, though I knew too that now we were embarked on a particular enterprise he would stand by me as long as I wanted him. He was squatting there by the cage, and both he and Mars were looking up at me, Finn with the gentle look which he reserves for moments of difficulty.

'Every time I hear a noise on the stairs I have heart disease,' said Finn.

I was having it too. But I wasn't going to go away without Mars. I took off my gloves; I felt that things were moving into a new phase.

'Then we'll take the cage as well,' I said.

'It won't go through the door,' said Finn, 'and anyway someone's sure to stop us on the way out.'

We'll try,' I said. 'If it won't go through the door I'll promise to give up.'

You'll have no choice,' said Finn.

I was certain it would go through the door. But to get it through we should have to stand it on its side. There was a bowl of water inside on the aluminium floor of the cage.

'That proves it,' said Finn; 'they surely put it together up here.

We'll not get it away.'

I took a flower vase and poured the water from the bowl into it, holding it close against the bars. Then very gently we began to tilt the cage. Mars, who had been watching us intently, now began to get very excited.

'Be careful,' said Finn, 'or he'll bite the hand off you.' We tilted the cage until it lay entirely upon its side, and as we did so Mars slid down until he was standing on the bars which now rested on the floor. He began to bark nervously.

'Be quiet,' I told him. 'Think of the fix you were in in Five in a Flood, and it all turned out all right!'

'When we lift the cage,' said Finn, 'his feet will fall through the bars and he may break a leg by struggling.'

This was a sensible thought. We stood and considered the problem. We were past troubling about the time. We were ready to go on now even if it meant another two hours.

'We must stretch something across the bars,' I said. I seized a tablecloth, and stuffing it into the cage tried to spread it out under Mars's feet. But he immediately started to paw it and worry it.

'You'll have to fix it somehow,' said Finn, 'or he'll scruff it away with his feet.'

'String,' I said.

"That would slip off,' said Finn. 'What you need is something long enough to double back and tie on to itself underneath.' He disappeared and came back a moment later with a sheet.

We measured the sheet against the edge of the cage.

'It's not long enough to meet underneath,' said Finn.

I began trying to tie the corners of the sheet to the bars, but it was highly starched and the knots came undone at once. We looked round desperately.

'What about those curtains?' I suggested.

'We'd need a step-ladder to get them down,' said Finn.

'No time,' I said. I gave them a sharp tug, and the fitting came out of the wall and the curtains came down on top of us with great clattering of rings. We detached one of them. It was extremely long. We stretched it along inside the cage, making Mars pick up his feet and stand on it. Then there was quite enough of it protruding at either end for it to meet itself if doubled back on the underside of the bars. But we had no means of getting at the underside.