Cecelia Ahern - How to Fall in Love

‘Go, Christine,’ Brenda urged me.

I lifted up the hem of my dress and I ran. Running in heels was no easy task, but a piece of glass in my bare foot wasn’t an option either. Nor was jumping into the car with Pat, who was parked up outside. I needed to take a right on Parliament Street to get to the bridge, and that was a one-way street. Pat would only be bringing me away from the bridge to get closer to it. We didn’t have time for that. I ran through the freezing temperatures, hanging on to my faux-fur shawl with one hand while holding my dress up with the other. I ran down Parliament Street and right on to Wellington Quay, attracting glances and comments from Saturday-night revellers. I saw the bridge in the distance but couldn’t see anybody on it. I kept running, the cold burning my nostrils as I breathed it in, my chest burning as I gasped for air. As the bridge came nearer, I saw him. In exactly the same place we’d met two weeks previously, a figure in black, standing beneath the orange glow of the three lamps, the green uplighters casting him and the bridge in an eerie light. Despite my exhaustion, I dug deep within me for more energy and sprinted to the bridge. I ascended the steps.

‘Adam!’ I yelled, and he turned to face me, startled. ‘Don’t do this, please!’

He looked at me, concern, sadness, surprise on his face.

‘I’m not going to touch you, I’m not going to come closer, okay?’

People kept walking across the bridge, unsure of what to do, stepping around Adam in a wide circle, afraid, as if he were a landmine.

I was crying. I had started some time during my sprint to the bridge and now I stood before him, a cold, shaky, out of breath, snivelling wreck.

He didn’t say a word.

‘I know things didn’t work out with Maria …’ I tried to catch my breath. ‘And I’m sorry about that, I’m so so sorry. I know you love her and I know you feel as though you have nothing now. That’s not true. You have Basil’s and there’s a room full of people who are excited about that. And you have …’ I wracked my brain ‘… so so much. Your health, your friends …’ I gulped. ‘And you have me.’ I lifted my hands up, pathetically. ‘I know I’m not what you want, but I’d be at the end of the phone any time. I swear I’d do anything to help you, to make you happy. Truth is,’ I took a deep breath, ‘ I need you . When we first met and I promised to show you the beauty of the world, I didn’t know what the hell to do. I bought a book!’ I laughed, pitifully. ‘But you can’t chase happiness. Joy happens spontaneously – it’s not some generic, by-numbers formula that you follow. Only I didn’t know that, I didn’t know what to do. I think I’d stopped seeing the beauty of the world for a while, without even realising it. Being with you … you helped me to see how beautiful life is, how fun it is. You were my wonderfully bespoke original guide to happiness. You showed me that doing simple things are all you need as long as you’re doing them with someone who wants to be with you. I was supposed to teach you and listen to you, but it was you who ended up showing me the way. And I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but you helped me fall in love. Proper love. Not just with life.’ I swallowed. ‘But with you. I think I’ve always tried to play it safe. I’ve always tried to fix things for everyone around me and I’ve always been with people that are … safe.’

I thought of Barry and of our relationship. I had chosen somebody I’d known there’d be no drama with, no surprises, nothing that would break so I wouldn’t have to fix it. I hadn’t allowed myself to really fall in love. Not until I met Adam, who had brought nothing but drama and surprise every day I’d spent with him.

‘I don’t care if my love is requited or not, because being with you and the very thought of you makes me happy. The point I’m trying to make is that you are loved because I love you, Adam. Please, don’t do it. Please don’t jump because I need you .’

Adam’s eyes were filled with tears. A couple who had lingered to listen were standing holding hands and cooing, obviously missing the part that Adam was threatening to jump off the bridge.

I felt rather pathetic, spent after my revelations. I was drained and freezing cold. Pouring my heart out was all I could do to save him. So I waited, hoping, wishing, praying, that he would not only hear but feel my words, that they would somehow penetrate that part of his brain that was manipulating him into thinking none of it was worthwhile any more. I had failed with Simon, I could not, would not fail with Adam.

‘Look at me,’ he said.

I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to hear his reasoning or his goodbye. I started crying even more.

‘Look at him,’ the woman urged and I looked up.

Adam had a smile on his face, and I was confused. This wasn’t funny, why was he finding this funny? The couple were smiling too, as if there was a joke no one had let me in on. I felt like smacking them and saying, You don’t understand – a life is at stake here!

‘What side of the bridge am I on?’ he said, smile still on his face.

‘What?’ I frowned, looking from him to the couple. ‘What are you talking about?’ Was it metaphorical? Was it supposed to mean something? He was still grinning at me, completely calm, as though he was thinking rationally when I knew he wasn’t. I thought back to when I first saw him on the bridge, he had been standing on the other side , his feet on the ledge, close to jumping off. I looked at him now, his feet on the concrete, not hanging over the edge, not clinging to the wrong side of the railings. He was standing on the bridge looking out at the view, which meant he hadn’t been about to jump!

‘Oh fuck,’ I whispered.

‘Come here,’ he laughed, holding his arms out to me.

I clasped my hands to my head in utter embarrassment, cursing my sisters, cursing him, cursing myself. I had revealed my soul to him. I took steps backwards, mortified. ‘Oh, shit, sorry, I thought that, my sisters said that, I assumed, wrongly that …’

He walked toward me, reached for me and stopped me from moving away. He was so tall he had to look down at me.

‘I told Maria it wouldn’t work with her and me.’

My mouth fell open. ‘You what? What did you do that for?’

He seemed amused by me. ‘Because I meant it. She hurt me, I don’t want to go back there. I understand she wasn’t treated how she should have been the past year, but I apologised for that. She admitted that she was moved by everything I had done to win her back, but what she was really nostalgic for was the old us, the way we were at the beginning. I suppose I was too. But I know now that we can’t be that couple any more – too much has changed, life has moved on. We’re over, there’s no going back. I don’t want to go backwards.’

I shivered, still in shock, and he pulled me close.

‘Maria said to me, “Is it because of that girl?” And I realised that was a big part of it.’

‘What girl?’ I asked, feeling like I was totally losing the plot.

Adam laughed.

‘Adam, this is not funny. I have no idea what’s going on. A minute ago I thought you were about to jump because you had no Maria, now you’re telling me you weren’t going to jump, and you don’t want Maria because of some other girl that you never mentioned anything to me about. And I told you things,’ I moaned, resting my head on his chest, mortified by what I’d said.

‘Did you mean those things?’ he asked softly.

‘Of course I did.’ I cringed. ‘I wouldn’t have said them if I didn’t mean them. But, Adam, you have to understand why I said them. The circumstances — ’