Cecelia Ahern - How to Fall in Love

‘No!’ Alicia snapped.

‘Alicia,’ I warned.

‘Can I say the directions, please, poo poo?’ Adam asked.

Alicia laughed. ‘Okay.’

‘All right.’ Adam thought hard. ‘Take a left at the lights.’

I studied him in the mirror. ‘You can’t take us to Maria’s.’

‘I’m not,’ he snapped.

We took a left and drove for a few minutes. We eventually reached a wall, a complete dead-end.

‘I swear this has never happened before,’ I said, putting the car in reverse.

‘Typical.’ Adam folded his arms in a huff.

‘Try again, poo poo,’ Alicia said, feeling sorry for him.

‘There’s a small road down that way,’ Adam said.

‘That’s a dirt track and we have no idea where it will take us.’

‘It will lead somewhere.’

I took a left. My phone rang and I put it on speaker phone.

‘Christine, it’s me.’

‘Oscar, hi.’

‘I’m at the bus stop.’

‘Good for you. How are you feeling?’

‘Not too good. I can’t believe you’re taking two weeks off.’

‘I’m sorry. But I’m always available on the phone.’

‘I’d really like it if you were here in person.’ His voice was shaking. ‘Maybe you could meet me, maybe you could get on the bus with me?’

‘Can’t do that, Oscar. I’m sorry, you know I can’t do that.’

‘I know, I know, you say it’s unprofessional,’ he said sadly.

I’d go out of my way to help my clients, but I drew a line at physically getting on buses with Oscar. I looked at Adam in the mirror to see if he had heard and he smirked at my teachings versus our current scenario. ‘You can do this, Oscar,’ I insisted. ‘Take deep breaths, allow your body to relax.’ I was so distracted talking to Oscar that I was mindlessly driving down the country road, surrounded on both sides by green fields. It was a road I’d never been down before. Occasionally, when we came to a junction, I’d hear either Adam or Alicia shout a direction. Finally Oscar had made it four stops and was feeling jubilant; he hung up the phone, dancing all the way back to his house. Adam’s phone, which was in the front of the car beside mine, started ringing. I could see it was Maria on the display screen. I answered it without Adam noticing and this time didn’t bother with the loudspeaker.

‘Oh, hi,’ Maria said when she heard my voice. ‘It’s you again.’

‘Hi there,’ I replied, not wanting to say her name in case Adam grabbed the phone.

‘Are you his messaging service now?’ Maria asked, trying to joke but unable to hide the sharp edge in her voice.

I laughed lightly, pretending not to notice. ‘Sure feels like it. How can I help you?’

‘How can you help me? Well, I wanted to speak to Adam.’ She was curt, crisp, her words clipped.

‘I’m sorry, he’s not able to come to the phone right now,’ I said in a friendly tone, not giving her anything to be able to bark at me about. ‘Can I take a message for him?’

‘Well, did he get my last message from yesterday morning?’

‘Of course he did. I told him straight away.’

‘So why didn’t he call me?’

We were approaching a crossroads.

‘Left,’ Adam said suddenly, breaking his chit-chat with Alicia.

‘Right,’ Alicia said.

‘Go left,’ Adam shouted.

Alicia was giggling and the two of them were screeching. Adam started blocking Alicia’s mouth and she was yelling. Then he yelped because she had licked his hand. It was chaotic and I could barely hear Maria.

‘You can’t really blame him for not calling you back after what he discovered.’ I said it gently, without blame, without judgement, a simple statement that put Maria in her place.

‘Right. Yes. Is that him I hear?’

‘Yes.’

‘Left!’ Adam shouted, blocking Alicia’s mouth again so she couldn’t scream directions.

Alicia howled with belly-aching laughter.

‘Don’t lick me again,’ he warned playfully, then he withdrew his hand quickly, as if in pain. ‘Uh! She bit me!’

Alicia barked, then panted.

‘I’ll tell him you called. He’s in the middle of something, as you can hear.’

‘Oh, okay …’

‘Actually, where can he reach you today?’ I asked. ‘Will you be at home or at work?’

‘I’ll be at work until late. But it doesn’t matter, he can get me on the mobile. Is he still … you know, angry with me? That’s a stupid question, of course he is. I would be. Not that he ever … you know …’

I could barely hear the rest of what Maria said as the two lunatics behind me dissolved into more laughter.

‘Who was that?’ Adam asked when I came off the phone.

‘Maria.’

‘Maria?! Why did she call your phone?’ He sat forward.

‘It was your phone. No secrets, remember?’

‘Why the hell didn’t you tell me?’

‘Because then you would have stopped laughing, and as far as she was concerned you were having a mighty fine time.’

Adam thought about that. ‘But I want her to know that I miss her.’

‘Trust me, Adam, she’d rather hear you laughing than crying. You being miserable will have her thinking she was right to go with Sean.’

‘Okay.’ He was quiet for a while and I thought I’d lost him. I checked Alicia to see if she was okay. She was taking her fingers for a walk along the window.

‘Hey, this was an interesting idea,’ he said, which was as close to a positive remark as I’d heard from him.

‘Good,’ I said happily, then had to immediately put my foot on the brake as we approached some cars up ahead.

There was only room for one car on the road, but up ahead two cars had managed to squeeze alongside each other. One was facing us, the other heading in the opposite direction. Their doors were practically touching. Their windows were blacked out. By the time I realised that I shouldn’t be staring, the car door opened and a scary-looking guy in a black leather jacket stepped out. He was tall and rather large and didn’t look at all happy to see us. Neither did the other three men squished shoulder to shoulder in the back of the car who turned around to stare at us. The men in one car looked at the men in the car beside them. The men shook their heads and shrugged their shoulders rather nervously.

‘Er, Adam,’ I said nervously.

Adam didn’t hear me, he was busy talking about poo poo with Alicia.

‘Adam!’ I said with more urgency and he looked up.

He lifted his eyes just in time to see the tall broad man walking towards us with a hurley stick in his hand.

‘Reverse,’ Adam said urgently. ‘Christine, reverse – now.’

‘No! Left!’ Alicia yelled, giggling, thinking we were still playing the game.

‘Christine!’

‘I’m trying!’ The clutch was grinding furiously, I was in too much of a panic to find the right gear.

‘Christine!’ Adam shouted.

The large man took a step closer to the car, examined the screen, took in my mobile number displayed with the FOR SALE sign on the front of the car. Then he looked me in the eye and swung his bat back. I put my foot down on the accelerator and we went hurtling into reverse so fast that Adam was thrown back into his seat at full force. It didn’t stop the large man from running after the car, swinging the stick. I kept an eye behind me, doing an okay job of reversing in a straight line, which then began to bend at almighty angles I hadn’t noticed while on the phone.

‘Shit, there’s more of them!’ Adam said, and I looked back out the front window to see three more men climb out of the car. ‘Keep an eye on the road!’ he yelled.

‘Oh, shh—’ I began to curse, then remembered Alicia. ‘Poo,’ I said. ‘Poo, poo, poo, poo,’ I repeated over and over.