Cecelia Ahern - P.S. I Love You

“You,” he said, biting her nose.

Holly giggled. “I'm not on the menu today unfortunately. How about a fry?”

“No,” he frowned. “That's too heavy for me,” and his heart melted as he saw Holly's face fall.

He tried to perk himself up. “But I would love a big, huge bowl of vanilla ice cream!”

“Ice cream!” she laughed. “For breakfast?”

“Yes,” he grinned, “I always wanted that for breakfast when I was a kid but my darling mother wouldn't allow me to have it. But now I don't care anymore.” He smiled bravely.

“Then ice cream you shall have,” Holly said happily, hopping out of bed. “Do you mind if I wear this?” she asked, putting his dressing gown on.

“My dear, you can wear it all you like.” Gerry smiled, watching her modeling the oversized robe up and down the bedroom for him.

“Mmm, it smells of you,” she said, sniffing it. “I'm never going to take it off. OK, I'll be back in a minute,” and he heard her racing down the stairs and clattering around in the kitchen.

Lately he had noticed her racing around every time she left his side, it was as though she were afraid to leave him for too long on his own, and he knew what that meant. Bad news for him.

He had finished his radiation therapy, which they had prayed would target the residual tumor. It had failed, and now all he could do was lie around all day, as he felt too weak to get up most of the time. It just seemed so pointless to him because it wasn't even as if he were waiting to recover. His heart beat wildly at the thought. He was afraid; afraid of where he was going, afraid of what was happening to him and afraid for Holly. She was the only person who knew exactly what to say to him to calm him down and ease his pain. She was so strong; she was his rock and he couldn't imagine his life without her. But he needn't worry about that scenario, because it was she who would be without him. He felt angry, sad, jealous and scared for her. He wanted to stay with her and carry out every wish and promise they had ever made to each other, and he was fighting for that right. But he knew he was fighting a losing battle. After two operations the tumor had returned, and it was growing rapidly inside him. He wanted to reach into his head and tear out the disease that was destroying his life, but that was just another thing he had no control over.

He and Holly had become even closer than before over the past few months, which was something he knew was a bad idea for Holly's sake, but he couldn't bear to distance himself from her. He was enjoying the chats they carried on till the early hours of the morning, and they found themselves giggling just like when they were teenagers. But that was only on their good days.

They had their bad days, too.

He wouldn't think about that now, his therapist kept telling him to “give his body a positive environment–socially, emotionally, nutritionally and spiritually.”

And his new little project was doing just that. It was keeping him busy and making him feel like he could do something other than lie on a bed all day. His mind was kept occupied as he mapped out his plan to remain with Holly even when he was gone. He was also fulfilling a promise he had made to her years ago. At least there was one he could follow through on for her. Shame it had to be this particular promise.

He heard Holly thudding up the stairs and he smiled; his plan was working.

“Babe, there's no more ice cream left,” she said sadly. “Is there anything else you would prefer?”

“Nope,” he shook his head. “Just the ice cream, please.”

“Oh, but now I have to go to the shop to get it,” she complained.

“Don't worry, hun, I'll be fine for a few minutes,” he assured her.

She looked at him uncertainly. “I really would rather stay, there's no one else here.”

“Don't be silly,” he smiled, and he lifted his mobile off the bedside table and placed it on his chest. “If there's a problem, which there won't be, I'll call you.”

“OK.” Holly bit her lip. “I'll only be five minutes down the road. Are you sure you'll be OK?”

“Positive,” he smiled.

“OK then.” She slowly took off his robe and threw on a tracksuit and he could see she still wasn't happy about the arrangement.

“Holly, I'll be fine,” he said firmly.

“OK.” She gave him a long kiss and he heard her race down the stairs, rush out to the car and speed off down the road.

As soon as Gerry knew he was safe, he pulled back the covers and slowly climbed out of bed.

He sat on the edge of the mattress for a while, waiting for the dizziness to pass, then he slowly made his way to the wardrobe. He took out an old shoe box from the top shelf that contained junk he had collected over the past few years and that also contained the nine full envelopes. He took out the tenth empty envelope and neatly wrote “December” on the front. Today was the first of December, and he moved himself forward one year from now, knowing he wouldn't be around. He imagined Holly to be a karaoke genius, relaxed from her holiday in Spain, bruise-free as a result of the bedside lamp and hopefully happy in a new job that she loved.

He imagined her on this very day in one year's time possibly sitting on the bed right where he was now and reading the final installment to the list, and he thought long and hard about what to write. Tears filled his eyes as he placed the full stop beside the sentence; he kissed the page, wrapped it in the envelope and hid it back in the shoe box. He would post the envelopes to Holly's parents' house in Portmarnock, where he knew the package would be in safe hands until she was prepared to open it. He wiped the tears from his eyes and slowly made his way back to bed, where his phone was ringing on the mattress.

“Hello?” he said, trying to control his voice, and he smiled when he heard the sweetest voice on the other end. “I love you too, Holly . . .”

Forty-eight

“NO DANIEL, THIS ISN'T RIGHT,” Holly said, upset, and pulled her hand away from his grip.

“But why isn't it right?” he pleaded with her with his twinkling blue eyes.

“It's too soon,” she said, rubbing her face tiredly all of a sudden, feeling so confused. Things for her just seemed to get worse and worse.

“Too soon because that's what people have been telling you, or too soon because that's what your heart's telling you?”

“Oh Daniel, I don't know!” she said, pacing the kitchen floor. “I'm so confused. Please stop asking me so many questions!”

Her heart beat wildly and her head spun, even her body was telling her this wasn't a good situation to be in. It was panicking for her, allowing her to see that danger was ahead. This felt wrong, it all felt so wrong. “I can't, Daniel, I'm married! I love Gerry!” she said in a panic.

“Gerry?” he asked, his eyes widening as he went over to the kitchen table and grabbed the envelope roughly. “This is Gerry! This is what I'm competing with! It's a piece of paper, Holly.

It's a list . A list you have allowed to run your life for the past year without having to think for yourself or live your own life. Now you have to think for yourself, right now. Gerry's gone,” he said gently, walking back over to her. “Gerry's gone and I'm here. I'm not saying that I could ever take his place, but at least give us a chance to be together.”

She took the envelope from his hand and hugged it close to her heart as tears rolled down her cheeks. “Gerry's not gone,” she sobbed. “He's here, every time I open these, he's here.”

There was a silence as Daniel watched her crying. She looked so lost and helpless, he just wanted to hold her. “It's a piece of paper,” he said, softly stepping closer to her again.