Paek Nam-nyong - Friend - A Novel from North Korea

After Sun Hee prepared dinner for Ho Nam, she collapsed on her bed. As the hours passed, she grew more overwhelmed by mixed feelings of shame, bitterness, regret, and desperation. The intensity of her mental pain left her empty and dejected, as if she had been banished to a deserted place. It seemed dark everywhere, and the only flame of life left seemed to be fading away. The flame flickered whenever the wind blew, and then it went out. The dying wick also soon vanished into obscurity.

Suddenly, Sun Hee opened her eyes, terrified. The room was tranquil, and Ho Nam was still awake, sitting on the floor by the desk making a pair of glasses out of wire. Sun Hee cuddled Ho Nam in her arms and tried to assuage his loneliness.

“Won’t you go to sleep now?” whispered Sun Hee.

“After I finish making this.”

“Come, let’s get ready for bed.”

“No, I’m going to wait until Dad comes home.”

Sun Hee did not oppose her son’s desires. She sighed and closed her eyes. All of a sudden, a memory of the judge’s acute eyes and his words, as sharp as surgical tools, flashed before her. The judge’s keen assessment of her was like a mirror that reflected her innermost thoughts, like an X-ray that had peered into her soul. She realized that there was no use hiding her flaws from the judge, and there was certainly no use in crying in front of him.

Why did I really become a singer? How have I truly treated Seok Chun all these years?

When Ho Nam finished making his glasses, he put them on and sat next to Sun Hee.

“Mom, look at my glasses.”

“They’re really nice.”

“Is Dad coming home tonight?”

“Well, I’m not sure. If he’s busy at the factory, then he may not.”

In the past, Sun Hee would bark at Ho Nam whenever he asked about his father. But tonight, she replied in a gentler tone, which gave him the courage to ask, “Mom, did you prepare Dad’s dinner?”

“Uh huh.”

“You see, you think he’s coming home, too.”

Sun Hee embraced her son, and he remained in his mother’s arms. Sun Hee caressed his shoulders and back. She realized that she would not be able to detach her son from his father, that his burning love would never be extinguished. The more Sun Hee mocked Seok Chun, the more Ho Nam distanced himself from his mother. But the more Sun Hee commended Seok Chun, the more Ho Nam was willing to accept his mother’s love. Ho Nam’s genuine loyalty to his father stung Sun Hee’s heart. The loneliness and sadness that had overwhelmed Sun Hee disappeared, and instead a warm feeling lightened her heart.

The night was growing deeper, and the wind blew harder. Suddenly, the dog barked gleefully. From the front yard came the sound of familiar footsteps approaching the house.

“It’s Dad!” shouted Ho Nam as he jumped out of bed. He flung open the door.

Seok Chun reacted to the swinging door and said excitedly, “Hey, you better be careful. You might hit me in the face.”

Seok Chun picked up Ho Nam and carried him into the house. The cold air from outside and the stench of grease from his clothes entered the room.

Seok Chun’s voice and the factory stench, both of which had sickened Sun Hee for the past few years, filled the room. She felt that a change of heart was not possible and that their lives would continue as they had been. Then, all of a sudden, her anger flared within her. Sun Hee kept her head down and went into the kitchen. As she was preparing dinner for Seok Chun, she heard an affectionate conversation between father and son. This added to her anger. Regardless of how she felt, father and son continued their jovial conversation.

“What’s that kid’s name? Se Pil? So, what’s he doing to you?” asked Seok Chun.

“Whenever I come out of the school, he hides behind a wall to scare me. If I don’t share my lunch with him, he hits me.”

“Didn’t he finish kindergarten? How could a kid like that be so mean to you? I better go say something to him. But then again, if he asks you for some lunch, give him some. You have to know how to share.”

“I always give him some. He’s greedy.”

Sun Hee entered the room carrying the round dinner table.

Seok Chun said quietly, “There are a lot of side dishes tonight.” But he did not look up at his wife.

Sun Hee thought that her husband was just trying to be friendly without any sincerity in his words, and that he was acting like there never had been marital problems between them. Everything he said sounded awkward and contrived, which annoyed her greatly. She preferred that he be his usual self—cold, obstinate, and rough around the edges.

There were a lot more vegetable side dishes than on other nights. The next-door neighbor had given Sun Hee some vegetables, and the neighborhood leader had bought some from the marketplace for the family as well. It appeared as if Sun Hee had prepared a hearty dinner as a sign of reconciliation, even though this was not the case. She did not want to give Seok Chun the wrong impression. She wondered why she had not felt like this when she was preparing dinner earlier. She could not understand why her feelings for him were vacillating.

Seok Chun pushed a backpack in Sun Hee’s direction. “Can you wash this for me? It’s Comrade Judge’s. I have to give it back to him.”

He glanced quickly at Sun Hee from the corner of his eye and continued. “He brought this backpack full of sand from the river. He wanted me to use it for my molding. The water must’ve been cold. His clothes were wet, and his pants were muddy. His face had turned blue from the cold water.”

Sun Hee felt her hair stand on end, as she immediately recalled the day when she was washing her clothes by the river and saw the judge shoveling sand. She thought that he was going to use the sand to fix something in his apartment. Sun Hee recalled snickering at him for his absurd behavior.

“So, were you able to use the sand he brought you?” asked Sun Hee in a low voice.

“I couldn’t. You can’t use that kind of sand for molding. I didn’t have the heart to tell him. Instead, I used the sand that our purchasing manager had ordered from the Eastern Sea.”

Seok Chun sighed at the thought of having to tell Jeong Jin Wu the truth one day. How would the judge take it? He had gone to the trouble of digging up the sand, which was useless. Nonetheless, Seok Chun understood that the sand represented Jeong Jin Wu’s attempt to unify his family. This alone made Seok Chun grateful to the judge.

It was Sunday.

Sun Hee and her troupe had finished their tour in Seong Gan District and were on their way home. They had planned to leave on Saturday, but the locals had insisted that they stay for one more night.

The train sped along the tracks.

Sun Hee sat by the window with her elbow on the armrest and her chin resting on her hand. The half-opened window let in the fragrance of the countryside—the fresh scent of the soil and the melting snow. The air that blew in would normally have bothered her, but today, it did not seem to affect her. It also did not seem that she was going to strike up a conversation with anyone on the train. She sat motionless, like a statue staring blankly at the passing mountains, valleys, and fields. The lush, warm, natural scenery appeared cold and bitter to her. The brisk breeze made her hair fly uncontrollably. It seemed to be the only part of Sun Hee that was alive.

“You’re thinking about it again, aren’t you?” asked Eun Mi, who was sitting across from Sun Hee. Just like a few days ago when they had argued at the theater, Eun Mi broke the silence by speaking first. Eun Mi examined Sun Hee, who was wallowing in her own sorrow.

Sun Hee envied Eun Mi’s virtuous, gentle heart. Misery, worries, or agony seemed to melt away, and only new buds seemed to blossom from Eun Mi. Sun Hee turned her head away from her friend and sank back into her anguish, dismissing whatever Eun Mi had to say.