Maki Kashimada - Touring the Land of the Dead - Two Novellas

After a while, Yōko and S’s relationship became more or less official. Mom gave up on trying to get them to break up. S started to come to our house to pick Yōko up whenever they went out on dates. He came across as a decent enough young man, his appearance always neat and tidy. Meiko and Moeko, though, had grown afraid of him. They thought of him now as some kind of delinquent, and did everything they could to avoid him. Whenever he came to pick Yōko up, we would always hide in our rooms and pretend that we weren’t home.

At such times, Meiko’s emotions would start getting the better of her, and she would come stumbling into my room. I’m scared, she would say. Yōko really is going out with him, isn’t she? Her voice would be so calm as she asked me this, as if she had completely forgotten that her own feelings for him had burned so strongly. And I would reach out to hug her. It’s okay, I would say, there’s nothing to be afraid of. Her delicate build is so feminine. I felt like I could read her future. She would probably get married to a childhood friend of hers living somewhere just around the corner.

Meiko. So innocent. She’s thirty-two years old, and still she can’t do anything by herself. She can’t even cook or do her own laundry. Mom’s the one who washes her underwear. But she’s fine this way. That’s what I’ve always thought, ever since I was a kid. But as for how our neighbors see her, none of us has any real idea. Except when it comes to the old woman living next door, that is. That Meiko of yours is such a devoted daughter, I overheard her say once, completely missing the mark. She seemed to think that daughters should stay with their families, and that the fact that Meiko still lived with us all was a sign of her filial dedication. But that wasn’t the case at all.

Even now that Yōko was openly dating S, Meiko didn’t harbor any sense of envy toward her. It would only be natural to be jealous in her situation, but she had never envied anyone anything. It was as if she lacked the basic ability to feel those kinds of emotions. I’m worried about Yōko, was all she said. I feel like she’s drifting away from us, Nanako. I feel like I’m all alone. And I’m scared, so scared. Like something really bad is going to happen, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Ever since she had found out about Yōko and S’s relationship, Meiko had started having nightmares. She had even been prescribed a course of Halcion to help her deal with everything. And whenever she had one of those nightmares, she would come and wake me. Hey, Nanako, I had a bad dream. S was going to kill me. I’ve got a really bad feeling about everything. And I would say to her: I’ll get you some honey tea. It’s okay, there’s nothing to be afraid of. Yōko won’t stay with him forever. Even she must know that.

Really? Meiko would look up at me. She has an intuitive ability to see through people’s lies. So I stared straight into her eyes, to prove to her that what I was saying was true.

Meiko wouldn’t be able to break out of these cycles of anxiety unless she thought that I was telling her the truth. But even though I had basically just made it all up, she didn’t accuse me of trying to trick her. She probably hadn’t even fully realized that she herself had seen through the lie. In her anxiety, she couldn’t fully bring herself to go along with what I had told her, but she had seen through it only vaguely, without fully understanding.

As I watched her, I started wondering how everything would have played out if she had been the one whom S had chosen. I could practically see him, this S who knew nothing about the delicate woman in front of me, rolling up her skirt and snatching her panties. If he did that, Meiko would probably suffer a complete mental breakdown. I felt a strange thrill at the cruelty of my imaginings.

Meiko is so pure that she comes across as simple-minded. She has always known the difference between truth and falsehood. She just hasn’t realized that. She doesn’t understand her own true nature. If someone in the family tells a lie, she gets scared. But she herself doesn’t understand why she ends up feeling that way.

Her chastity was such a waste. It occurred to me that she might one day end up losing that chastity in a random act of capriciousness. And I started to feel better, imagining such things.

In fact, Meiko might even be better suited to S. Her scrawny body was perfectly proportioned for stirring a man’s lust—an altogether different kind of lust than what S must have felt toward Yōko.

Sometimes, I find myself wanting to say cruel things to her. You’re the kind of person who ends up getting sold off to a foreign country, as a prostitute. That’s your fate. That’s the kind of thing that I want to say. Because she really is stupid, to the point where she might actually end up believing everything that I said to her.

When would she finally realize what it means to be with a man? I wondered. I could imagine some faceless man, doing to her the kinds of things that S does to Yōko.

Like dyeing a white dove red with blood.

A little while after that, Meiko brought another taiyaki home. This time, though, it wasn’t a treat from S.

Were those maps of the Shitamachi still there? I asked.

They’re gone, Meiko answered. They must have been put out there then because it was a holiday, so I guess I just got lucky. It looks like they’re for tourists after all.

Ah, I thought. So this town only shows its touristy face on holidays.

I could see them both, in my mind. S eating a golden taiyaki with Yōko. It must have been a holiday. That was why he was carrying a map of the Shitamachi. And for some reason, as I watched them, feelings of hate started welling up inside me.

Hey, Nanako, I’ve been thinking that maybe I’ve been leaning on you too much, Meiko said to me. Whenever I end up like this, breaking down into tears, you’re always the one who hands me a box of tissues. Nanako, you’re such a dedicated, wonderful little sister. You’re wasted on me. When all this stuff with S started getting out of hand, I was really jealous at first, you know? But it was always you who comforted me. You made me that honey tea. Not just tissues, but honey tea too. Even in the middle of the night, you’d stay by my side. But I’ve given up feeling jealous about Yōko. I’ve been thinking, if she marries him, I’ll give her my blessing. And as the eldest daughter, I’ll have to take the lead in preparing the wedding ceremony. She’s got such nice, pale skin, not to mention her good looks. With her chest, she’d look beautiful in a low-cut dress, don’t you think? I’ll have to decorate it with white roses. It sounds wonderful, doesn’t it?

She might be the eldest of us sisters, but Meiko always acts as if she’s the youngest. She’s so delicate, so helpless, that she would probably be completely crushed if even the smallest misfortune were to befall her. What’s happened to you, Meiko? What’s going on in your heart? Just what kind of fancy has thrown itself on you?

Meiko, please, heal Yōko. Even a fragile person like yourself ought to be able to do that much. She’s still stuck dating that guy, that man who came here as no more than a tourist. Why don’t you tell her how you’re feeling, Meiko? I’m fed up with him, you could say. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t even bear to walk around town anymore, this place that’s been my home since I was a kid. You could let Yōko break down into tears and cry on your lap. Please, Meiko, you could cry along with her. You could make your face look so wretched, so much more unsightly than hers.