Mark Haddon - A Spot Of Bother

Mum cupped her hand round Dad’s elbow and steered him toward the stone arch at the back of the building.

Sarah was singing “Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg” and swinging Jacob over a puddle. “The Batmobile lost a wheel and the Joker broke his leg.”

Ray took her arm and they followed Mum and Dad and they were spotted by Uncle Douglas who was smoking downwind, and everyone broke into a loud cheer.

They reached the arch and Sandra ran up and hugged her, then Mona hugged her, and Uncle Doug held his lit cigarette out of the way and said, “You sure about this, lass?” and she was about to deliver some witty put-down (Uncle Doug was a bit of a bum-squeezer) but she could see that he meant it so she didn’t.

Mona was already monopolizing Ray for a rapid grilling, having not met him yet, and the crowd parted and she saw Jenny in a wheelchair, which was a shock, and Katie bent down and hugged her and Jenny said, “Bit of relapse. Sorry,” and Katie suddenly realized why she needed that second ticket and Jenny said, “This is Craig,” and Katie shook hands with the young man standing behind the chair and hoped that this was an actual relationship, because that would be brilliant, although now wasn’t the time for questions.

Then Ed was marshaling them for photographs, and Katie stood with Ray looking out at everyone and it was like being in front of a bar fire, all this warmth being directed their way, though Eileen and Ronnie looked a little sour, which was probably due to it not being a church and other people enjoying themselves.

Then the registrar appeared wearing a slightly frumpy navy blue suit and one of those chiffony neckties that everyone else stopped wearing at the end of the Second World War, and they were allowed inside the building which was a bit like her doctor’s surgery in London. All cream paint and helpful leaflets and heavy-duty carpeting. But there was a big vase of flowers and the registrar was actually quite cheery and said, “If the bride and bridegroom would like to come with me, and the guests would like to follow my colleague…”

The registrar ran them quickly through the timetable for the ceremony. Then they heard the Bach double-violin piece start up and it sounded like something from a film soundtrack. Horse-drawn carriage, big house, frocks. And Katie thought, bugger segues, they should have gone for James Brown throughout. But it was too late now.

They walked round the corner to the big room at the end and waited outside while the registrar went in and said, “Could I ask you all to stand for the entrance of the bride and groom,” and they went into the room where it all happened and it was very neat and very pink with velvet curtains. And Mum smiled at her. And Katie smiled back. And Dad appeared to be studying an old ticket of some kind that he’d found in his pocket.

And as they reached the front Katie saw, lying on the table, a silk cushion hemmed with fake diamonds on little tassels. For the ring, presumably.

“Please be seated,” said the registrar.

Everyone sat down.

“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen,” said the registrar. “May I begin by welcoming you all here today to the Peterborough register office, for the marriage of Katie and Ray. Today marks a new beginning in their lives together…”

Katie closed her eyes for Sarah’s reading and sort of hummed inside her head so she didn’t really have to listen (“Your friend is your needs answered. He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving…”). She wondered if they could make a little wedding cake for the second ceremony in Jamie’s kitchen. Date and walnut on the inside. A little sugar Batman on the top for Jacob.

“For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.”

Sarah sat down and the registrar stood up and said, “It is one of my duties to inform you that this room in which we are now met has been duly sanctioned according to law for the celebration of marriages. You are here to witness the joining in marriage of Ray Peter Jonathon Phillips and Katie Margaret Hall. If any person present knows of any lawful impediment why these two people may not be joined in marriage he or she should declare it now.”

And something happened in Katie’s heart, and she realized it wasn’t just two people being joined together, not even two families. She felt as if she were joining hands with everyone who’d done this before her, just as she’d done after giving birth to Jacob, a feeling that she finally belonged, that she was a part of the whole enterprise, a brick in that great arch which rose out of the dark behind you and swung over your head and curved into the future, and she was helping to keep it strong and solid, and helping to protect everyone beneath it.

The registrar asked her and Ray to stand and hold hands, and there were tears in her eyes, and the registrar said, “Before you are joined in matrimony here today I have to remind you both of the solemn and binding character of the vows you are about to make…” but Katie wasn’t really listening anymore. She was up there, looking down, and the roomful of people was so tiny she could fit it into the palm of her hand.

Jean heard a littlesqueak just as Katie and Ray were beginning their vows. She turned round and saw Jamie slip into the room and stand behind that nice young lady in the wheelchair.

Now everything was perfect.

“Why I, Katie Margaret Hall,” said Katie.

“May not be joined in matrimony,” said the registrar.

“May not be joined in matrimony,” said Katie.

“To Ray Peter Jonathon Phillips,” said the registrar.

Jean turned to look at Jamie for a second time. What on earth had happened to him? He looked as if he’d been dragged through a hedge backward.

“To Ray Peter Jonathon Phillips,” said Katie.

Jean’s heart sank a little.

“Now the solemn moment has come,” said the registrar, “for Ray and Katie to contract their marriage before you, their witnesses, families and friends.”

Then Jean remembered that her heart was not allowed to sink. Not now. Jamie had been doing a good thing. And these people were good people. They would sympathize.

“So can I ask you all to stand,” said the registrar, “and join together for the celebration of their marriage.”

Everyone stood.

They would get home and Jamie could change into new clothes and everything would be perfect again.

“Ray,” said the registrar, “will you take Katie to be your wedded wife, to share your life with her, to love, support and comfort her whatever the future may bring?”

“I will,” said Ray.

“Katie,” said the registrar, “will you take Ray to be your wedded husband, to share your life with him, to love, support and comfort him whatever the future may bring?”

“I will,” said Katie.

From several rows back, Jean heard Douglas say, “You go, girl.”

George looked aroundthe room and felt oddly fond of all these people.

It was not something he was accustomed to feeling at family gatherings.

He squeezed Jean’s hand. He was in love with his wife. It made him feel warm inside.

Everything was going to be different from now on.

What, in any case, was frightening about death? It came to everyone sooner or later. It was a part of life. Like going to sleep, minus the waking up.

And there was Jamie, arriving late, as children usually did.

Jamie was a homosexual. And what was wrong with that? Nothing whatsoever. So long as one was hygienic.

And there was his husband beside him. Boyfriend. Partner. Whatever the word was. He would ask Jamie later.