Mark Haddon - A Spot Of Bother

“What sort of problem?” asked Jean.

“George,” said Ray.

“Oh dear God.” She had to sit down very quickly. What had George done to himself this time?

“Afraid he’s gone missing,” said Ray.

She was going to pass out. In front of the caterers. In front of Ray. She took a deep breath and George’s head flashed past the window like some kind of supernatural apparition. She thought she might be losing her mind.

The kitchen door banged open and George burst in. She yelped but he took no notice whatsoever, just sprinted into the hallway and up the stairs.

Jean and Ray looked at each other for a few seconds.

She heard Ed saying, “That, I think, was Katie’s father.”

Ray said, “I’ll go and see what he’s up to.”

She sat for a minute or two, gathering her wits. Then the door banged open a second time and it was Eileen and Ronnie and their blessed Labrador and what with thinking George might be dead then being scared out of her wits by George himself she snapped and said, “Get that bloody dog out of my kitchen,” which was not diplomatic.

Katie did her makeupand let Sarah negotiate with Jacob.

“I’m afraid you really do have to come.”

“Want to stay here,” said Jacob.

“You’ll be on your own,” said Sarah.

“Want to stay here,” said Jacob.

It wasn’t a tantrum yet, just a bid for attention. But they had to stop it gaining momentum. And Sarah probably stood a better chance than Katie. Unknown quantity. Less leverage.

“Want to go home,” said Jacob.

“There’s going to be a party,” said Sarah. “There’s going to be cake. You just have to hang on for a couple of hours.”

A couple of hours? Sarah wasn’t very clued up about children and time measurement. Jacob was pretty much incapable of distinguishing between last week and the extinction of the dinosaurs.

“I want a biscuit.”

“Jacob…” Sarah took his hand and stroked it. If Katie had done that he might just have bitten it. “I know you haven’t got your toys and your videos and your friends. And I know everyone’s busy and can’t play with you at the moment…”

“I hate you,” said Jacob.

“No you don’t,” said Sarah.

“Do,” said Jacob.

“No you don’t,” said Sarah.

“Do,” said Jacob.

“No you don’t,” said Sarah, who seemed to be reaching the end of her repertoire.

Luckily, Jacob’s attention was deflected by Ray coming in and flopping onto the bed. “Jesus H. Christ.”

“What’s up?” asked Katie.

“I’m not sure you really want to know.”

“Tell me,” said Katie. “I could do with some entertainment.”

“Not sure this counts as entertainment,” said Ray, who sounded worryingly somber.

“Perhaps you should tell me later,” said Katie. “When certain people aren’t around.”

Sarah got to her feet. “Right, young man. We’re going to play hide-and-seek. If you can find me in ten minutes, you win twenty pence.”

Jacob was out of the room almost instantly. Clearly Sarah knew more about child management than Katie had given her credit for.

“So?” asked Katie.

“I guess you’re going to find out sooner or later,” said Ray, sitting up.

“Find out what?”

“Your dad scarpered.”

“Scarpered?” Katie stopped doing her makeup.

“Went a bit wobbly. You know, like when we were last here. Bit tense about the wedding I guess. Jamie called a doctor…”

“A doctor…?” Katie’s mind raced.

“But when he arrived your dad had vanished. So Jamie’s gone to look for him.”

“So where’s Dad now?” Katie went a bit wobbly herself at this point.

“Oh, he’s back. Says he just went for a walk and bumped into Eileen and Ronnie. Which might be true. But I was in the kitchen when he came back and he was doing about Mach 3.”

“Is he OK?” asked Katie.

“Seems fine. He’d got some Valium from his GP.”

“He’s not about to overdose or anything…”

“Don’t think so,” said Ray. “He took a couple. Seemed happy just holding the bottle.”

“God,” said Katie and took a few deep breaths, waiting for her heart to slow down. “Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

“Jamie didn’t want to worry you.”

“I should go and talk to Dad.”

“You stay here.” Ray got to his feet and came over and knelt down in front of her. “Probably best to pretend you don’t know anything.”

Katie held Ray’s hand. She didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “God. This is meant to be our wedding day.”

Then Ray said something wise. Which took her by surprise. “We’re just the little people on top of the cake. Weddings are about families. You and me, we’ve got the rest of our lives together.”

And then Katie did cry a little bit.

And Ray said, “Oh shit. Jamie. He’s still looking for your dad. Have you got his mobile number?”

When George reachedthe bedroom he experienced a surge of relief so deep he felt his bowels loosen a little.

Then, quite suddenly, he forgot where he had hidden the Valium and the panic rose like floodwater, thick and cold and fast, and he had to fight to keep breathing.

He knew that he knew where the bottle was. Or rather, he knew that he had known where it was ten minutes ago, because why would he forget something like that? And he knew that it was somewhere entirely logical. It was a simple matter of finding the pigeonhole in his head where he had stored the information. But the inside of his head was upside down and shaking violently and the contents of the other pigeonholes were coming out and getting in the way.

He stood facing the window, crouching a little to help himself breathe.

Under the bed…? No. In the chest of drawers…? No. Behind the mirror…?

It was in the bathroom. He had not hidden the bottle at all. Why would he have hidden it? There was no need to hide it.

He ran into the bathroom, his bowels loosening slightly all over again. He opened the cabinet. It was on the top shelf, behind the plasters and the interdental sticks.

He twisted the top, and kept on twisting and felt the panic coming back until he realized that it was childproof and had to be pressed down. He pressed it down and twisted and very nearly dropped it when he saw Ray in the mirror, standing behind him, only feet away, actually in the bathroom, saying, “George? Are you OK? I knocked, but you didn’t hear me.”

George came very close to swigging the entire contents of the bottle and swallowing hard in case Ray tried to stop him.

“George?” said Ray.

“What?”

“You all right?”

“Fine. Absolutely fine,” said George.

“You seemed a little worked up when you ran into the kitchen.”

“Did I?” George wanted to take the pills very badly.

“And Jamie was worried about you.”

George gently shook two tablets into the palm of his hand and swallowed them casually. Like people did with peanuts at parties.

“Said you’d not been feeling yourself.”

“They’re Valium,” said George. “I got them from the doctor. They help me feel a little calmer.”

“Good,” said Ray. “So, you’re not planning on going for another walk? Today, I mean. Before the wedding.”

“No,” said George, and forced a little laugh. Was this exchange meant to be amusing? He was unsure. “I’m sorry if I caused any trouble.”

“No problem,” said Ray.

“I’m definitely coming to the wedding,” said George. He needed to go to the lavatory quite badly.

“Good,” said Ray. “That’s good. Well, I’d better get suited and booted.”