Christopher Buckley - Boomsday

“Didn’t some vice president tell a senator to go fuck himself?”

“Not on live TV. That was just some corridor grab-ass in the Capitol.”

“No,” Randy said. “I said no. No. Fucking. Way.”

“We’ll spike five points with U30,” Cass said. “That would put you ahead.”

“Yes, and we’d lose every other voter.”

“Throw long.”

“I’ll think about it,” Randy said. “Did you have in mind any particular script for unleashing this little bon mot?”

“Yes, in fact.”

Randy went off to cast a vote.

Terry said to Cass, “I wish you hadn’t planted that idea in his head.”

“Hey,” Cass grinned. “Got to think out of the box.”

Gideon Payne was a happy man.

He had not known such happiness was possible.

He was so happy, in fact, that it was only by a superhuman exertion of will that he departed Tatiana’s (Ms. Tolstoy had a first name, it turned out) apartment, a perfume-candle-scented bower of bliss in Arlington improbably overlooking the Iwo Jima Memorial.

“Darrling Gidyon,” she purred, twirling his hair with a finger as he nuzzled her right nipple, “don’t you must be in presidential campaign? It’s two days already you are here.”

Two days, a case of Champagne, thousands of dollars in ATM withdrawals, God knew how many condoms. He’d lost track.

“Ummmph.”

“Come. I make you coffee and you go.”

“No. I’m staying. I’m never leaving. Never ever ever. Mummmmph.”

“Darrling. My boozum. It hurt. You are wery hungry boy. You come back. But for now you must go. Come on, I make you nice hot bath with bubble.”

She got him into a bubble bath. He starting singing, “Glory, glory hallelejuah…”

Strange boy, she thought. And she could swear that this was the first time he had ever been with a woman.

Olga Marilova (Tatiana was not her first name, nor was Tolstoy her surname) had not anticipated this. She’d had Kulchek (Ivan) standing by, concealed in the apartment, armed, in case Gidyon Pine showed up with his own security people. Presidential candidates could be expected to be a bit hostile about being blackmailed. But when she opened the door, there he was alone, and with such an expression like a child’s.

He came in. They sat. She told him the watch was in a safe place. She would give it to him for a “donation to orphanage” of…$100,000. She braced for a furious reaction, ready to summon Kulchek. And then Gidyon Pine said, “Yes, I think that would be reasonable. And it’s a good cause. I have always been partial to orphans. I will have the money for you tomorrow.” She hardly knew what to say. Then he said, “Now, my dear, didn’t you say something about a glass of Champagne? I would be happy to pay for that right now.” And one thing led to another. And he wouldn’t leave. Well, she thought, confused, okay, it’s biznis. Good biznis.

Wery good biznis, as it turned out. The next day, Gidyon tore himself away from her lovely breasts long enough to make a phone call to someone named Sidney, and a few hours later a short man with a look of alarm knocked on her door and handed over a steel briefcase containing $100,000. This was the easiest bit of biznis Olga had ever conducted. And she was no novice at the client shakedown. Gidyon didn’t even ask for the watch! He just wanted her to get back into bed. He was…insatiable. A little steam engine of carnality. At one point, he asked her to marry him. She had to get him out of the apartment. She had appointments, with important clients. Regulars. Two ambassadors and a deputy secretary of state…

“Jesus Christ, Gideon-where have you fucking been ?” His press secretary, Teeley, was livid.

Gideon had a grin. He murmured, “Actually, it’s the other way around.”

“What?”

“Nothing. I needed a rest, that’s all. I am most heartily sorry. I hope y’all were not too inconvenienced.”

“We’ve got a goddamn debate tomorrow!”

“And I am ready.” He began humming “Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin’” and walked off.

Teeley said to the campaign manager, “Is he on drugs? If he is, I need to know now. I don’t like surprises.”

“Ugly fucking state,” President Peacham said, looking down on the frozen landscape from Marine One, the presidential helicopter. The president was in his usual frame of mind, not helped by the latest tracking polls showing him several points behind-Senator Randolph K. Jepperson. The only good news was that with so many candidates running-there were now over a dozen in all, including the candidate of the Free Immigration Party-no one was a clear front-runner.

“Well, Mr. President,” Bucky Trumble said, sounding as bright and upbeat as he could, “New Hampshire certainly loved you four years ago. And they’re going to love you tonight.”

President Peacham grunted. “Doesn’t look one damn bit picturesque. Might as well be New Jersey, with snow.” He went back to his debate preparation book. He had not wanted to come and debate his challengers, but Bucky told him he must. His plan was to take out Jepperson here with a crippling blow. If they could beat him in Iowa and New Hampshire, the two early decisive points of the campaign, they might be able to force him to run as an independent.

They were going to hit him on Bosnia. Their polling showed that was his Achilles’ heel.

It was somewhat delicate, since this meant collaterally going after Cassandra Devine, whose father, Frank Cohane, was now Peacham’s campaign finance chairman, sitting just a few seats away on Marine One. Frank Cohane had said he had no objection. “Do what you have to.”

The candidates had separate greenrooms, in trailers parked outside the hall.

An aide with an earpiece radio scurried up to Cass and said, “Ms. Devine-Reverend Payne has asked to see you.”

Cass looked over at Terry. He shrugged and said, “Know thy enemy.”

Cass and the aide left the Jepperson trailer and walked across a crusty snow parking lot to the Payne trailer. The Payne aides-most of them evangelicals-regarded her coolly. To them, she was Joan of Dark. A door was opened, and there was Gideon.

“Come in, come in out of the cold,” he said heartily.

They shook hands. He held hers with both of his. “You are very kind to have come, my dear girl, very kind.”

She hadn’t seen him in person in some months. He looked well. He’d lost weight, his skin had color, his hair was no longer oily.

“Good to see you, Reverend,” she said. “How’ve you been?”

“Very well indeed. You didn’t use to call me that.” He smiled. “Sit, sit. Just for a moment, I know you must attend to the senator. There’s something I wanted to say to you.”

Cass sat.

“I wanted to say,” Gideon said, “that I personally never thought you had anything to do with that lunatic Arthur Clumm. Or that anything untoward took place in that minefield in Bosnia. I know we have our disagreements. Profound ones. But we’ll have a vigorous debate on the issues. I just wanted you to know that allegations will have no place in my arguments. On that you have my word, Cassandra.”

She nodded. “All right. Fair enough.”

“Good, then.”

“Reverend-”

“Gideon. Please.”

“I saw the thing on TV. I know that you didn’t…”

“Kill my mother?”

“Yes. But I can’t help thinking that something else happened. That it didn’t happen quite the way you said it did. It’s none of my business.”

He looked at her. “Someday you and I will take a walk together, and I will tell you a long story. But now let me say, for myself, I don’t believe for one minute you really want Americans to kill themselves just to fix a budget problem.”