Christopher Buckley - Boomsday

It was necessary to apply for permits from the National Park Service and fourteen other agencies and departments that ruled over democratic gatherings on the nation’s front lawn. Word of this made its way on up to the White House.

“Goddamnit,” said the president, “what do I have to do-drive a stake through this woman’s heart?” He said this in the presence of Frank Cohane and was immediately embarrassed.

Frank, however, seemed unperturbed. He said, “Sir, I’m afraid she’s out to make a fool of all of us.”

“Deny her the permits,” the president said to Bucky.

“Tricky,” Bucky said. “The media are in love with her. If we get in the way of the permit process, it’s bound to leak, and it’ll look like we’re afraid of her. I’d let it proceed. See what”-he shot the president a sly glance-“develops.”

“How do you mean?”

“You get a hundred thousand or so kids together,” Bucky said, “who knows what kind of hell’s likely to break loose. Right?”

The president smiled. “You’re a cocksucker, Trumble.”

“Thank you, sir.” Bucky smiled.

The Protest Against Social Security, or PASS, was held on the Mall on the Saturday before the South Carolina primary. Getting U30s to attend a political rally was like herding cats. They coalesced more readily for concerts than for political demonstrations. Still, they came, and in respectable numbers. The Park Service estimated the crowd at seventy-five thousand, a good showing. Vendors did a brisk business in tuna wraps and vitamin water. Many protesters carried STFU! signs. Emergency medical crews stood ready to treat anyone stricken with self-esteem deficit. Curious Boomers who looked on from the sidelines remarked that it was just like the Vietnam protests, only completely different. “In those days,” said one old-timer riding by on a Segway, “we didn’t have nearly the variety of bottled waters you have today. Man, those were crazy times.”

As soon as it grew dark, Cass took to the microphone and instructed the crowd to take out their Social Security cards. Seventy-five thousand people under thirty held them in the air, lighters at the ready. Suddenly the stage was swarmed with police wearing a dozen different uniforms.

“Problem?” Cass said to the most official-looking one.

“Are you Cassandra Devine?” he said.

Cass moved closer to the microphone so that the conversation could be heard by seventy-five thousand people.

“Uh, yeah.”

“I have a warrant for your arrest.”

“You’re going to arrest me?” she said, the words echoing out onto the Mall, stirring a rumble in the crowd. “What for?”

“Incitement to destroy government property, 18 USC 1361.”

A rumble went through the crowd.

Cass said into the microphone, “And are you going to arrest all of them ?”

“Anyone who destroys government property will be arrested.”

Cass turned to the crowd. “Did you hear that?”

“Yes!”

“And what do you say to that?”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

“All right, that’s it,” the top cop said to his undercops. “Arrest her!”

At the sight of the police closing in on their leader, seventy-five thousand members of generation whatever surged toward the stage in what the Post called a “Banana Republic tsunami.” The police had not anticipated quite this degree of solidarity and were simply overwhelmed by the critical mass. The stage, which began to sway under the weight, became a large rugby scrum. Cass wrestled free of the arms of the law and burrowed toward the rear of the stage. At one point, she stepped on something soft that moved and heard a loud groan of complaint that on closer inspection turned out to be Terry.

“Come on,” she said, grabbing him by the arm. They managed in the confusion to get off the stage and ran in the darkness toward the Robert Taft Carillon and, beyond that, Union Station.

“Did they get her?” the president asked Bucky. Bucky looked harried. They were in the presidential suite of a hotel in Charleston, South Carolina, late for a live televised debate that no one would be watching, given what was going on in Washington. The TV screen showed a helicopter’s-eye view of what television anchors generally call “the unfolding drama.”

“Not yet. But don’t worry, chief, they’ll get her,” Bucky said.

The president shook his head. “It’s a damn nightmare freak show. Just what we need, a goddamn thirty-year-old blond fugitive. Why the fuck did I let you and Cohane talk me into this?”

“Sir, she’s not going to get away. There are ten thousand police and federal agents searching for her.”

The president was back to watching the screen. The scroll at the bottom read, THOUSANDS OF ARRESTS IN “BOOMSDAY” MELEE ON MALL…

Cass and Terry made it to Union Station, where they caught the Red Line metro all the way to the end of the line, a place aptly, Cass thought, called Shady Grove.

They found a bar not far from the metro stop that had a TV.

“Well,” Terry said, “this’ll do wonders for business. ‘I’m sorry, Mr. Tucker is not in today. He is a fugitive from justice. May I take a message and give it to him in the event he is apprehended?’”

“Don’t worry,” Cass said. “We can always go to North Korea. I’m sure they’ll take us in.”

They sat in the corner, an eye on the TV.

Cass said, “This would be the moment when our faces pop up on the screen and the bartender reaches for the phone.”

“We should call Allen.”

“Good idea.” Cass took out her cell phone.

Terry said, “Bad idea.”

“Do you remember how to use a pay phone?”

“I think you put coins in it.”

After several attempts, they reached Allen Snyder, Esquire. He told them that the FBI did not normally tap the phones of lawyers. He said he’d find out what he could and call them back on the pay phone. He called back an hour later and said that there was a warrant out for Cass’s arrest but not for Terry’s. “You can come in from the cold,” he said, adding, “Do I even need to point out that if you assist Cass, you’re aiding a fugitive?”

Cass and Terry made their arrangements. Terry headed back to the Shady Grove metro stop.

They said good-bye in the shadows by the parking lot.

“It’s going to be cold tonight,” Terry said. “And you’d better not try checking into a hotel.”

“I was in the army, remember?” Cass smiled.

“Okay,” he said, “but avoid minefields.”

Randy had been barred by the Federal Election Commission from participating in the debates. But he had managed to turn this to his advantage by conducting shadow debates on the Internet, acting as if he were there onstage with the other candidates. The media were only too happy to include him. Just as the debate was getting started, he went online and denounced the president-this time avoiding four-letter words-for “criminalizing a peaceful demonstration” and demanded that he lift the fugitive warrant on Cass. Just for good measure, he called on him to resign.

Judy Woodruff of CNN, moderator of tonight’s debate, had her laptop in front of her.

“Sir,” she said to the president, “just a few minutes ago, Senator Jepperson, who is not allowed to be here, accused you of deliberately undermining a peaceful demonstration on the Mall. According to various legal experts, it is not clear that burning a Social Security card is a federal crime. Did you personally give the order to the police to intervene in the PASS demonstration?”

The president looked as though he himself were on the verge of deploying the f-word. “Judy, I came here tonight to this wonderful state of South Carolina to debate the issues, not to comment on an ongoing law enforcement matter. And that,” he said, grinding his teeth, “is what I plan to do.”