Christopher Buckley - Wet Work

"Forget it. She mention me?"

"Yeah, she said hi. Damnit, Felix, it was uncanny, it was like when she used to call home from Madeira."

"They got eels in this river."

"Eels?"

"Electric eels. Put out a hundred volts, enough to kill a man. Some people on Cousteau's expedition were attacked by iguanas."

"Now that's just nonsense. Iguanas don't attack."

"These iguanas do."

"I don't believe it."

"It's in the book. The men were in a canoe and the iguanas jumped down on them from the trees above. They tore apart their shirts with their claws."

"Well, I'm sure it was an aberration. I been around plenty of iguanas in my life and none of them ever attacked me."

"They've got a snake-"

"You ought to read something else, Felix. Look, they got snakes everywhere, practically. Hell, we used to eat snakes at the orphanage all the time. Rat snakes, long-nose, patch-nose, king, diamondback rattlers, all kinds of snakes. Used to go out and look for them on the Harlingen road. I've said grace over road-kill snakes."

"Yeah, well, these would say grace over you ."

"I got no beef against God's creatures. There's a beauty in all of them, you just have to look."

"There's this one called a candiru. It's a catfish, technically. If you can find the beauty in this fish, it's all yours. It's the size of a toothpick, okay? And it swims up your dick ."

"I don't believe a word of it."

"It's in the book. The natives believe it can swim up your dick while you're taking a piss."

"That is the most-look, I got all sorts of admiration for Cousteau, but you got to remember, he's French."

"What does that have to do with it?"

"Well, they're always exaggerating. Look at that revolution they had."

"Once it gets up into you, it throws out these little spines, like fishhooks. The pain is incredible. You can only get them removed by surgery. And where are you going to find a doctor out here?"

"It was so real. It was her , Felix."

"Rats the size of pigs."

"I was trying to get her to stay on the line, only…"

"Pink dolphins. Those are beautiful. They were the only things in this book I wanted to look at. But even them-the natives say that they screw human women and make them pregnant. It's in the book. I think I heard one the other night when we were anchored. Like a long sigh. Unnnnnhh. That's why the natives think they have souls, because of the sigh. You know why I think they sigh? Because they have to live in the same water with all those other things."

"There was this recording kept telling me to put Deutschemarks in the phone or I'd be disconnected. Deutschemarks. Maybe your buddy Freud could figure that out. It was like it was… Ma Hell speaking. Felix."

"What, boss?"

"You don't think, she can't be. I been over it a hundred times. It was a mistake. I cannot believe that God would send her to Hell for a, for a little mistake."

"She's not in Hell, boss. You want to know the truth, I think we're the ones in Hell."

"It is kind of gloomy at that. Reminds me a little of the Belgian Congo. I ever tell you about the place I saw there where all the parrots go to die?"

"No."

"You never seen such a place. Terrible smell."

"I'm going inside."

"Look out! Sweet Merciful Jesus, will you look at the size of him. Got a wingspread on him like a B-52."

"I really don't see how we're getting around the No Foreign Troops thing, Ray."

"'Troops' really means brigade strength. We're just talking about a unit here."

"A unit of troops."

"Well, strictly, legalistically speaking, sure."

"Well, strictly legalistically is, is sure as heck how the Peruvians are going to be speaking if this thing blows up in our faces."

"John has something there, Ray."

"Look, it walks like a duck, flies like a duck, smells like a duck. It's a duck . Let's just all face that. There's no way this thing is, is not a duck."

"It's quacking for me too, Ray."

"Okay, but I'm saying our chances of doing this are in the high eighties, low nineties."

"I'd like to believe that Ray, but, but we just, we just don't really have the track record to, to justify that."

"What about Panama? We managed Panama okay, didn't we?"

"Well, Ray, that wasn't exactly low-intensity. We had twenty-four thousand men involved in, in the Panama thing."

"And women."

"Yeah, all right. The point is, this is more of an Iranian-type thing, not a Panama thing. And you saw what happened there."

"We're not saying that happened on your watch, Ray."

"No, of course."

"In all respect, I disagree. I don't think we are talking about an Iranian-type thing. And if we should discuss the ten percent area where something goes, where the balls aren't breaking our way, then it can be finessed. We could hardly have finessed the Iranian thing."

"Finesse how?"

"Well, as a communications breakdown. You know, SOLIC assumed JUNG had cleared it with GOP, JUNG assumed SOLIC had cleared it with GOP."

"I don't like it, Ray. And I don't think he's going to like it either."

"Have you ever seen SEALs work, John?"

"Well, no. Obviously not."

"Let me tell you something about SEAL Team Six. These boys are, you should see them. Sometime just come down to Little Creek and see them."

"I'm a little busy here, Ray."

"Something like this, for them, it's, it's a Cakewalk. They could do this in their sleep. It's a straightforward helicopter insertion upriver of the yacht. Our boys float till the boat comes by, they glom on to the hull with these little limpet mines, bang, Mr. Becker's yacht suddenly has serious leak problems. Becker and his people have to abandon ship, end of mission. Our boys just keep on floating downstream to their extraction point. I'll tell you what, I'll look into, see if we can't put together an all-Hispanic team so they'll really blend. It's just not that complicated. We're talking about an in-and-out thing."

"I still don't like it."

"Okay. Then what about cutting GOP in?"

"No no no no. I don't think we're there yet. Bill, do you have people on the inside of GOP?"

"That's kind of sensitive, John."

"Bill, we're all Top Secret/Throne-cleared here."

"That's not Throne level."

"Well, what is it, then?"

"The classification is classified."

"Let's try to work together here, Bill. We're all on the same team."

"It's a question of compartmentalizing-"

"Dammit, Bill."

"We have assets within GOP, yes. That's all I can say, really."

"That's very helpful, Bill. Are they reliable?"

"Well, yes. That's why they're assets."

"Yes, but I'm new at all this, I wasn't dealing with this when I was governor, I mean, but it seems to me, especially with this Noriega thing going on, that all our 'assets' are, are having it both ways, collecting two paychecks. I'm just asking if they can be trusted, is all."

"Down there it's usually a pay-as-you-go. With something like this we'd probably be in a bonus situation."

"Wonderful. Do we have any friends, Bill?"

"How do you mean?"

"Does anyone like us, or, or work for us just on the merits? Or is it all just money?"

"Oh. It's all just money."

Esmeralda 's anchor chain was taut, links squeaking from the strain of keeping 460 tons of yacht from being swept off in the Huallaga's swift rush. Farther out in the middle of the river, giant logs tore past. Charley had put her nose right against the riverbank, in still water; even so, a wake was burbling out behind her transom.

They sat around the table on which Tallulah Bankhead had allegedly once done the woolly deed. Its fine inlaid surface was covered by a padded tablecloth to protect it from the various metallic objects that were making their rounds: M-16 grenades, radios, collapsible-stock Cars M-16 rifles, CD players and speakers. Bundy was demonstrating grenade etiquette to the new people.