Paulo Coelho - Veronika decides to die

He nodded.

“Then, last night, I too asked myself what I was doing in this hospital. And I thought how very interesting to be down in the square, at the Three Bridges, in the marketplace opposite the theater, buying apples and talking about the weather. Obviously, I’d be struggling with a lot of other long-forgotten things, like unpaid bills, problems with neighbors, the ironic looks of people who don’t understand me, solitude, my children’s complaining. But all that is just part of life, I think; and the price you pay for having to deal with those minor problems is far less than the price you pay for not recognizing they’re yours. I’m thinking of going over to my ex-husband’s tonight, just to say thank you. What do you think?”

“I don’t know. Do you think I should go to my parents’ house too and say the same thing?”

“Possibly. Basically everything that happens in our life is our fault and ours alone. A lot of people go through the same difficulties we went through, and they react completely differently. We looked for the easiest way out: a separate reality.”

Eduard knew that Mari was right.

“I feel like starting to live again, Eduard. I feel like making the mistakes I always wanted to make, but never had the courage to, facing up to the feelings of panic that might well come back, but whose presence will merely weary me, since I know I’m not going to die or faint because of them. I can make new friends and teach them how to be crazy too in order to be wise. I’ll tell them not to follow the manual of good behavior but to discover their own lives, desires, adventures, and to live . I’ll quote from Ecclesiastes to the Catholics, from the Koran to the Muslims, from the Torah to the Jews, from Aristotle to the atheists. I never want to be a lawyer again, but I can use my experience to give lectures about men and women who knew the truth about this existence of ours and whose writings can be summed up in one word: Live . If you live, God will live with you. If you refuse to run his risks, he’ll retreat to that distant heaven and be merely a subject for philosophical speculation. Everyone knows this, but no one takes the first step, perhaps for fear of being called insane. At least, we haven’t got that fear, Eduard. We’ve already been inmates of Villete.”

“The only thing we can’t do is run as candidates for president of the republic. The opposition would be sure to probe into our past.” Mari laughed and agreed.

“I’m tired of the life here. I don’t know if I’ll manage to overcome my fear, but I’ve had enough of the Fraternity, of this garden, of Villete, of pretending to be crazy.”

“If I do it, will you?”

“You won’t do it.”

“I almost did, just a few moments ago.”

“I don’t know. I’m tired of all this, but I’m used to it too.”

“When I came here, diagnosed as a schizophrenic, you spent days, months, talking to me and treating me as a human being. I was getting used to the life I’d decided to lead, to the other reality I’d created, but you wouldn’t let me. I hated you, and now I love you. I want you to leave Villete, Mari, just as I left my separate universe.”

Mari moved off without answering.

In the small and never-used library in Villete, Eduard didn’t find the Koran or Aristotle or any of the other philosophers Mari had mentioned. He found instead the words of a poet:

“God will bring me into judgment,” said Eduard out loud, “and I will say: “For a time in my life I stood looking at the wind, I forgot to sow, I did not live joyfully, I did not even drink the wine offered me. But one day, I judged myself ready, and I went back to work. I told men about my visions of paradise, as did Bosch, Van Gogh, Wagner, Beethoven, Einstein, and other madmen before me.” Fine, let him say that I left hospital in order to avoid seeing a young girl dying; she will be there in heaven, and she will intercede for me.”

“What are you saying?” said the man in charge of the library.

“I want to leave Villete,” said Eduard, in a slightly louder voice than normal. “I’ve got things to do.”

The librarian rang a bell, and a few moments later two nurses appeared.

“I want to leave,” said Eduard again, agitated. “I’m fine, just let me talk to Dr. Igor.”

But the two men already had hold of him, one on each arm. Eduard tried to free himself from the arms of the nurses, though he knew it was useless.

“You’re having a bit of a crisis; now just keep calm,” said one of them. “We’ll take care of it.”

Eduard started to struggle.

“Let me talk to Dr. Igor. I’ve got a lot to tell him, I’m sure he’ll understand.”

The men were already dragging him toward the ward.

“Let me go!” he was yelling. “Just let me talk for a minute.”

The way to the ward was through the living room, and all the other inmates were gathered there. Eduard was struggling, and things were starting to look ugly.

“Let him go! He’s crazy!”

Some laughed, others beat with their hands on chairs and tables.

“This is a mental hospital. No one here is obligated to behave the way you do.”

One of the nurses whispered to the other: “We’d better give them a fright, otherwise the situation will get completely out of control.”

“There’s only one way.”

“Dr. Igor won’t like it.”

“He’ll like it even less if this gang of maniacs starts smashing up his beloved hospital.”

Veronika woke up with a start, in a cold sweat. There was a terrible noise outside, and she needed silence to go on sleeping. But the racket continued.

Feeling slightly dizzy, she got out of bed and went into the living room, just in time to see Eduard being dragged off, while other nurses were rushing in, wielding syringes.

“What are you doing?” she screamed.

“Veronika!”

The schizophrenic had spoken to her. He had said her name. With a mixture of surprise and shame, she tried to approach, but one of the nurses stopped her.

“What are you doing? I’m not here because I’m crazy. You can’t treat me like this.”

She managed to push the nurse away, while the other inmates continued to shout and kick up what seemed to her a terrifying din. Should she go and find Dr. Igor and leave there at once?

“Veronika!”

He had said her name again. Making a superhuman effort, Eduard managed to break free from the two male nurses. Instead of running away, though, he stood there, motionless, just as he had the previous night. As if transfixed by a conjuring trick, everyone stopped, waiting for the next move.

One of the nurses came over again, but Eduard looked at him, summoning all his strength.

“I’ll go with you. I know where you’re taking me, and I know too that you want everyone else to know. Just wait a minute.”

The nurse decided it was worth taking the risk; everything after all, seemed to have returned to normal.

“I think… I think you’re important to me,” said Eduard to Veronika.