Ben Elton - Inconceivable

I really really do love Lucy. More than ever, I think. And that’s not because of how much she’s improved my script, although let’s face it she has.

Ewan laughed and laughed at the new stuff. Particularly the business about the injections. The surprising thing was how excited he was at the thought of being able to put a needle on the screen that wasn’t full of heroin. He seems to think that this in itself is an incredibly original idea.

“So liberating,” he said. “Hasn’t been done in years. Although it did cross my mind that we might be missing out on some comedy here. What if somehow the IVF drugs got mixed up with Colin’s drugs stash and Rachel injected that instead? Could be big laughs.”

Instantly I sensed some confusion. A fundamental misunderstanding, in fact. I said that the idea would be great apart from the tiny fact that my character Colin doesn’t take drugs.

Ewan was genuinely surprised at this. “He doesn’t?”

At first he thought I was joking, but I managed to persuade him that I wasn’t.

“That is fascinating ,” he said. “And that business about the arse injections, about you practising on an orange, that’s actually true, is it?”

I assured him that it was. In fact Lucy and I were doing it only yesterday. Ewan turned to George and Trevor, who were attending the meeting, and commented on the extraordinary idea of grown men and women having to actually be taught how to use a hypodermic needle. George and Trevor assumed suitably sympathetic expressions of surprise that there could be such naivety. What a couple of idiots! Trevor knows about needles because of Kit’s various health crises, but both of them would run a mile from hard drugs. Trevor may have had an E at some point and he and Kit certainly smoke grass, but that’s it. George is strictly a Scotch and beer man. What suburban souls we must be.

Dear Penny

Well, Sam administered his first injection into my bum this evening. He had his last practice try on an orange and then prepared to go for the real thing. All I could say was what I had been saying ever since we first saw the bloody things at the hospital, which was, “That fucking needle is four inches long.” I mean honestly the damn things are not needles at all, not in any normal sense. More like spears or lances. They belong in a museum of military history. The doctor explained that they have to be like that because the purpose is to administer an inter-muscular injection. I said, “That fucking needle is four inches long.”

Ewan is anxious to know all the details about the process, which I think is healthy. I explained to him that the inter-muscular injection introduces a hormonal drug, which provokes the female subject into a sort of hyper-ovulation, producing far more eggs than is natural. It is, of course, physically intrusive and rather upsetting. Quite aside from having a four-inch-long needle stuck into your arse.

Ewan was sympathetic about this and Morag, who was sitting in on the meeting, nodded vigorously.

“Exactly,” said Ewan. “This is a crucial scene, a crucial image. Actually, I think we should call the picture My Arse Is an Orange .”

To my dismay there was a lot of enthusiastic nodding at this from Nigel, Justin and Petra. Even Morag (whom I had thought seemed sensible) murmured that it was a “brilliant idea”. I felt rather alone but nonetheless tried to fight my corner.

“Yes, brilliant idea, except that the film is called Inconceivable .”

“Oh, aye, at the moment,” said Ewan casually.

I turned to George and Trevor for support, but they just stared at the bowl of Kettle Chips.

Anyway, the deed had to be done. Sam looked as nervous as I was as he filled up the ghastly weapon with the ampoules of hormone solution, tapping the damn thing to make sure all the air was out. If you don’t get rid of the air, apparently it can kill you. How nice.

“ Are you ready?” he said.

“ That fucking needle is four inches long.”

“And it’s not going to get any shorter,” Sam said. “Drop ’em.”

And so that was it. Up went the skirt, down came the knickers and there I was bent over the bed like a condemned woman with Sam hovering at my arse end with a spear in his hand. Most undignified. I could feel Sam drawing an imaginary cross on my right buttock with his sterilizing swab. Upper outside quarter is the rule. That way there is less chance of skewering a major nerve centre and rendering the patient paralysed. Very comforting, I must say. One, two, three, and in he plunged. You have to do it all in one easy movement, holding the needle like a pen or a dart. I must say he did it very well, I hardly felt a thing until he depressed the plunger and pumped in the hormone solution, which wasn’t very nice, but bearable.

I must say Sam looked quite pale when I came up for air. He said he felt he’d earned a drink, but that of course he wouldn’t have one. He said it nicely, as a joke. I really think this whole business is bringing us closer together.

Later on, after we’d all left the Proclaimers’ house, I turned on Trevor and George for not helping me defend my title.

“Oh, come on, Sam,” said George. “It’s a pun, for Christ’s sake. Inconceivable is just a rather poor pun. Surely after all the years we’ve spent at TV Centre deleting crap puns you don’t expect me to defend one now.”

George can be a hurtful bastard when he wants to be.

“You liked it before,” I said.

“Oh yes, before,” he said airily. Yes, before a fashionable young director with a three-picture deal in Los Angeles said he didn’t like it. God, I never thought George could be so spineless. We’re all caught in the headlights of fashion and fame.

I’m going to sleep now. Sam’s still at the dressing table doing his book. It’s amazing the way he’s come round to the whole thing. I wonder if he’ll ever let me read it. I’d never ask because that wouldn’t be fair, but I’d love to have a look. Maybe one day when we’re both feeling very secure in our love. Of course I could never let Sam read mine, not unless I removed the Carl Phipps entries. Like Stalin rewriting history.

I must be sure to lock my journal very carefully. I found it open in the drawer today, so I must have forgotten to lock it last night, although I can’t think how, I always check. Perhaps I didn’t turn the key the whole way. Oh well, lucky Sam didn’t find it open. He might not have been able to resist a read. Actually I think that’s unfair. I think he’d do the right thing. I’m not sure if I would.

After the disagreement over the title, which I think I won, we got back to discussing the hypodermic scene. Nigel was not sure about the “You might feel a bit of a prick” line, which I was appalled at because it’s one of my favourite lines. I also think that objections on the grounds of taste are pretty rich coming from a man who virtually ordered me to make sure there were more sheep-shagging gags on our Saturday variety shows.

Of course I admit it’s pretty broad humour, but the whole scene is meant to be a bit over the top. It’s a big comedy moment. Colin is bending over Rachel with the needle (which should be funny in itself if they get a decent actor) and he says that the nurse had told him that as long as he does it quickly and confidently it won’t hurt, so he jabs it in, she screams and he faints. Brilliant stuff, I think, and Ewan loved it.

Anyway, when Colin comes round Rachel says, “The nurse said it was me who was meant to feel a bit of a prick,” which I think is a very strong line. I mean it’s good to give the girl some rude, earthy lines. Quite feminist, I think.