Ben Elton - Inconceivable

“Hate these poncy joints,” he said, loudly, so that the waitress would hear. “Plates the size of dustbin lids, portions so small you think you’ve got dirty crockery and it turns out to be your main course.”

If the gorgeous, icy young waitress cared what George thought about the food or its presentation she certainly did not let it show on her sullen, impossibly perfect countenance. She simply smiled her “You’re not so special, I meet two thousand wankers like you a day” smile, turned and left, leaving George and me to gape at her wonderful bottom as she returned to the kitchen. George observed that she could probably crack walnuts between those splendidly athletic-looking buttocks, which he knew would annoy Trevor, who asked him to keep his witless, sexist, juvenile heterosexual banter to himself.

After this we returned to the difficult subject of what Lucy would say about my treatment.

“I’m amazed she’s letting you do it,” said Trevor. “I really am. I mean, I know it’s a story and not about her but all the same, you’ve had to get your research from somewhere.”

It was time to come clean and admit that I hadn’t actually told her about my plans yet. After all, I reasoned, there was no sense in getting her all excited if it came to nothing. Movies are a notoriously dodgy business.

“Even if you do give me a commission, I’m going to keep my new job in radio and work incognito.”

I could see that George and Trevor were not entirely convinced that I was embarking on a sensible course of action, but it is not really their problem and one thing I’m sure about is that they love the treatment, as, it seems, does Nigel. Astonishingly, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I seem to be getting somewhere.

Dear Penny

I went back to work today and there was a note in an envelope on my desk. It was from Carl. I knew it was from him because the envelope was made out of pressed rag paper and it was sealed with wax! I simply do not know anyone else rich enough or theatrical enough to deliver a note in such a manner. This is what it said.

“ You are obviously hurting in some way. Perhaps I have hurt you. I know that I never meant to. The truth is, Lucy, that I have felt drawn to you from the very first day we met. It is not just that I find you beautiful, although I do, but there is also a kind of sadness about you, a longing from within that fascinates me and makes me want to know you more. Of course I have no right to feel this way. You are a married woman and the thoughts that I have about you are entirely wrong and inappropriate. Therefore I shall not come into the office again if I can help it and I promise that I will do my best to keep out of your way from now on. Always know, though, that I am your friend and am there for you if you need me. Yours respectfully, Carl Phipps.”

Well, I mean to say!

That has to be the loveliest note that anyone has ever sent me. How does he know so much about me? A longing within? I mean it’s absolutely spot on, isn’t it? I don’t think I’ve ever met such an intuitive man in my entire life! I mean I’ve never told him about my wanting a baby… Well, I suppose I might have mentioned it, but only in passing, so it’s still amazingly sensitive of him. And so generous not to be furious about my answerphone message. I mean, for heaven’s sake! I called him up and told him to forget about sleeping with me when he hadn’t even asked to (well, not in words anyway).

Oh well, it’s all over now, isn’t it? All over before it even began, which is the best way, and I’m really pleased. Of course in a different world, on another planet, it might have been nice to… No ! I mustn’t think that way, it’s pointless and shameful. Carl has shown me the way with his dignified restraint.

But how amazing. I do believe he’s actually got a crush on me.

Dear Sam

Lucy had her laparoscopy today. Superb material. I feel awful writing this because obviously it wasn’t much fun for her but really, this script is going to write itself. I’ve never felt so motivated. I do wish I could share this sense of purpose with Lucy because it’s just what she’s always been wanting for me, but for obvious reasons I must keep my own counsel.

We got up at five-thirty. Lucy was not allowed to even have a cup of tea because of the operation. The drive was a nightmare, of course. Rush-hour starts at about three in the morning these days. I’ll definitely be voting Green next time. The frustrating thing is that transport is the only area where we all collectively agree to ignore the evidence of our eyes and believe instead in the myth. I’m worse than anyone. I mean, let’s face it, the propaganda that the car industry puts out would give Goebbels and Stalin a run for their money in terms of pure Utopian disinformation. They always advertise cars by showing some smug smoothie driving at speed along a gorgeous empty road, with not another car in sight. When in the real world did anyone ever drive along an empty road? I don’t think that I’ve once been in that position in twenty years of driving. They always tell you what the make of the car is. I don’t give a toss what the car is. Why don’t they tell me where the road is? Just once in my life I’d like to drive on a road like that.

It really was a near-surreal experience, sitting there in fifteen thousand pounds’ worth of machinery, machinery that was supposed to liberate mankind, crawling along at a walking pace, hating every other car owner on earth. That’s what we were all doing. Every single person for miles and miles and miles sitting in a steaming metal box hating every single other person. Every morning in every town in Britain virtually every adult gets into his or her tin box and starts hating. Then, having taken all day to calm down, we get back into our boxes and start hating all over again. Yet when asked the question “Why not get on a bus?” I’m the first person to say, “No way, they’re horrible.”

Dear Penny

I’m writing this while sitting alone in a depressing, plain little hospital room waiting to be done over like a kipper.

Sam drove me to the clinic this morning, which was nice except for the fact that he insisted on doing his “This traffic is insane,” rant as if somehow we weren’t as guilty as everyone else. Not easy to stomach without so much as a cup of tea inside me. On the other hand he was solicitous about my forthcoming ordeal, asking lots of questions which I thought was good of him since I know he hates the whole ghastly business. As indeed do I, but as I say, I appreciate him showing an interest.

I took the opportunity of the traffic jams to get some background detail out of Lucy regarding the laparoscopy. I must say it sounds absolutely dreadful, but not without its comic possibilities.

I know what happens backwards from the eight million books about fertility I’ve read in the last year or two. Sam was fascinated; he even jotted one or two things down when the car was stopped in traffic. First they feed a tube into your tummy and pump you full of gas so that they can see your insides better, then they make another hole just above your pubic triangle, or map of Tasmania as Sir Les Patterson would say (I can’t believe I’m writing this), and they shove a probe in to move things about a bit so that they can take their pictures. They also pump in a lot of dye which apparently will bring out the finer features. Sam actually laughed at this, but I think it was just because he was nervous.

It’s amazing what women have to go through, so weird. I wonder if it would be funny to have a scene where the doctor (possibly gay) offers the woman a choice of colour dyes to see which one would go nicest with the shade of her intestines. Maybe a bit over the top. I’ll have to think quite carefully about the tone of this script. I mean, is it mainly funny with a bit of emotion, or mainly emotion with a bit of funny? Somewhere in between, I think.