Tom Sharpe - The Throwback

robe to replace the bloodstained garments the taxidermist had been wearing before, nothing fitted at all precisely. Mr Bullstrode looked at him with dismay and Dr Magrew with medical concern.

'He doesn't look a very fit man to me,' he whispered to the solicitor as they followed Lockhart into the study.

'I cannot express an opinion on his health,' said Mr Bullstrode, 'but the word fit does not apply to his apparel.'

'It doesn't apply to a man who is shortly to be flogged within an inch of his life,' said Dr Magrew. Mr Bullstrode stopped in his tracks.

'Good Lord,' he muttered, 'that stipulation had quite passed out of my mind.'

It had never entered Mr Taglioni's. All he wanted to do was to get out of this dreadful house with his life, reputation and money still intact.

'What are we waiting for?' he asked as Mr Bullstrode hesitated.

'Quite,' said Lockhart, 'let us get on with the business.' Mr Bullstrode swallowed. 'Would it not be more proper to have present your grandfather and his wife?' he inquired. 'After all the one drew the will and last testament up and the other would appear to be about to be deprived of those benefits she would otherwise have received under it.'

'My grandfather has stated that he does not feel up to leaving his bed,' said Lockhart and waited while Mr Flawse's voice made fresh inroads into, this time, Dr Magrew's professional reputation. 'I think I can safely say the same for my step-grandmother. She is at present indisposed and naturally my father's appearance here today, with all its consequences for her financially, might be said to chafe her more than a little.'

It was no more than the truth. A night spent rubbing the ropes that bound her hands up and down against the iron bedstead had indeed chafed her but she still persisted while down in the study Mr Taglioni repeated word for word what he had been taught. Mr Bullstrode wrote down his words and was in spite of himself impressed. Mr Taglioni stated that he had been employed as a casual labourer by the Waterworks at the time and being an Italian had naturally attracted the attention of Miss Flawse.

'I couldn't help it,' he protested, '1 am Italian and English ladies, you know how English ladies like…'

'Quite,' said Mr Bullstrode who knew what was coming and wasn't prepared to listen to it. 'And so you fell in love?' he continued to improve upon the singularly distressing tastes in the matter of foreigners displayed by the late Miss Clarissa

Flawse.

'Yes We fall in love. You could put it like that.' Muttering to himself that he wished to hell he couldn't Mr Bullstrode wrote this down. 'And then what?' 'What do you think? I stuff her.'

Mr Bullstrode wiped his bald head with a handkerchief while Dr Magrew's eyes blazed lividly at the Italian.

'You had sexual intercourse with Miss Flawse?' said Mr Bullstrode when he could bring himself to speak.

'Sexual intercourse? I don't know. We fuck. Right? First I fuck her. Then she fuck me. Then-'

'So help me God someone else is going to fuck you if you don't shut up,' shouted Dr Magrew. 'Now what I say wrong?' asked Mr Taglioni. 'You…' Lockhart intervened. 'I don't think we need go into any further details,' he said pacifically. Mr Bullstrode expressed his fervent agreement. 'And you are prepared to swear on oath that to the best of your knowledge you are the father of this man?'

he asked.

Mr Taglioni said he was. 'Then if you'll just sign here,' Mr Bullstrode went on and handed him the pen. Mr Taglioni signed. His signature was witnessed by Dr Magrew. 'And may one ask what your present occupation is?' Mr Bullstrode asked inadvisedly.

'You mean what I do?' said Mr Taglioni. Mr Bullstrode nodded. Mr Taglioni hesitated and then, after so many lies, decided to tell the truth. Before Dr Magrew could get at him Lockhart had hustled the Italian out of the room. Behind him Mr Bullstrode and Dr Magrew were left speechless.

'Did you ever hear the like?' said Dr Magew when at last his palpitations had abated somewhat. 'The bloody swine has the gall to stand there and…'

'My dear Magrew,' said Mr Bullstrode, 'I can only say that I now understand why the old man stipulated in his will that the bastard's father should be flogged to within an inch of his life. He must have had some inkling, you know.'

Dr Magrew agreed. 'Personally I would have preferred him to have stipulated something stronger,' he said, 'like half a mile beyond it.'

'Beyond what?' asked the solicitor.

'Beyond his life,' said Dr Magrew and helped himself to some of Mr Flawse's whisky which stood on a tray in the corner, Mr Bullstrode joined him.

'That raises a very interesting point,' he said when they had drunk one another's health and the ill-health of Mr Taglioni. 'Which is quite simply what constitutes "within an inch of his life". The question of measurement would seem to me to be crucial.'

'I hadn't thought of that,' said Dr Magrew, 'and now that you mention it I can see great objections. A more exact statement would, I suppose, have been within an inch of his death.'

'That still doesn't answer the question. Life is time. We speak of a man's lifetime, not his life-space. And an inch is not a function of time.'

'But we also speak of a long life,' said Dr Magrew, 'and that surely implies spatial extension. Now if we assume that by a long life we mean eighty years, and I think that a fair estimate, I suppose we can take as our standard three-score years and ten. Personally I am glad to suspect from the colour of that wretched Italian's complexion and his general physique that the swine has a far shorter life expectancy than that laid down in the Bible. Let us say to be on the safe side, sixty years. Now we have to transfer an inch to a scale of time relative to sixty years…'

They were interrupted by the entrance of Lockhart who announced that to avoid disturbing his grandfather and distressing Mrs Flawse he had decided to conduct the second part of the ceremony in the peel tower.

'Dodd's getting him ready for the flogging,' he said. 'The two old men followed him out still deep in disputation as to what constituted to within an inch of life.

'An inch of life,' said Dr Magrew, 'leaves us in fact two inches to play with, one before death and one after. Now death itself is an indeterminate state and before acting it would be as well to decide what we mean by it. Some authorities define it as the moment the heart stops beating; others would have it that the brain being the organ of consciousness is capable of subsisting beyond the moment of time in which the heart stops functioning. Now, sir, let us define…'

'Dr Magrew,' said Mr Bullstrode as they crossed the dwarf garden, 'as a lawyer I am not qualified to judge the issue. The term "to within an inch of his life" does not allow of the man dying. I would not have been party to a last will and testament which stipulated the murder of Lockhart's father no matter how strongly I may feel about the matter personally. Murder is against the law…'

'So is flogging,' said Dr Magrew. To lay down in a will that a man must be flogged to within an inch of his life is to make us both parties to a crime.'

They had entered the peel tower and his voice echoed among the dusty battle-flags and ancient armour. An eyeless tiger bared its teeth above the great open hearth. Manacled to the opposite wall, Mr Taglioni gave voice to his objections.

'What do you mean flogged?' he screamed but Mr Dodd put a bullet in his mouth.

'To give him something to bite on,' he explained. 'It was an

old custom in the army.'

Mr Taglioni spat the bullet out. 'You crazy?' he yelled. 'What more do you want from me? First I got to…'

'Keep the bullet between your teeth,' interrupted Mr Dodd and replaced it. Mr Taglioni struggled with the bullet and finally got it into a corner of his cheek where it bulged like a quid of tobacco.