Jerome Salinger - The Catcher in the Rye

He didn’t care if you’d packed something or not and had it way in the top of the closet. I got them for him though. I nearly got killed doing it, too. The second I opened the closet door, Stradlater’s tennis racket—in its wooden press and all—fell right on my head. It made a big clunk, and it hurt like hell. It damn near killed old Ackley, though. He started laughing in this very high falsetto voice. He kept laughing the whole time I was taking down my suitcase and getting the scissors out for him. Something like that—a guy getting hit on the head with a rock or something—tickled the pants off Ackley. “You have a damn good sense of humor, Ackley kid,” I told him. “You know that?” I handed him the scissors. “Lemme be your manager. I’ll get you on the goddam radio.” I sat down in my chair again, and he started cutting his big horny-looking nails. “How ’bout using the table or something?” I said. “Cut ’em over the table, willya? I don’t feel like walking on your crumby nails in my bare feet tonight.” He kept right on cutting them over the floor, though. What lousy manners. I mean it.

“Who’s Stradlater’s date?” he said. He was always keeping tabs on who Stradlater was dating, even though he hated Stradlater’s guts.

“I don’t know. Why?”

“No reason. Boy, I can’t stand that sonuvabitch. He’s one sonuvabitch I really can’t stand.”

“He’s crazy about you. He told me he thinks you’re a goddam prince,” I said. I call people a “prince” quite often when I’m horsing around. It keeps me from getting bored or something.

“He’s got this superior attitude all the time,” Ackley said. “I just can’t stand the sonuvabitch. You’d think he—”

“Do you mind cutting your nails over the table, hey?” I said. “I’ve asked you about fifty—”

“He’s got this goddam superior attitude all the time,” Ackley said. “I don’t even think the sonuvabitch is intelligent. He thinks he is. He thinks he’s about the most—”

“Ackley! For Chrissake. Willya please cut your crumby nails over the table? I’ve asked you fifty times.”

He started cutting his nails over the table, for a change. The only way he ever did anything was if you yelled at him.

I watched him for a while. Then I said, “The reason you’re sore at Stradlater is because he said that stuff about brushing your teeth once in a while. He didn’t mean to insult you, for cryin’ out loud. He didn’t say it right or anything, but he didn’t mean anything insulting. All he meant was you’d look better and feel better if you sort of brushed your teeth once in a while.”

“I brush my teeth. Don’t gimme that.”

“No, you don’t. I’ve seen you, and you don’t,” I said. I didn’t say it nasty, though. I felt sort of sorry for him, in a way. I mean it isn’t too nice, naturally, if somebody tells you you don’t brush your teeth. “Stradlater’s all right. He’s not too bad,” I said. “You don’t know him, thats the trouble.”

“I still say he’s a sonuvabitch. He’s a conceited sonuvabitch.”

“He’s conceited, but he’s very generous in some things. He really is,” I said. “Look. Suppose, for instance, Stradlater was wearing a tie or something that you liked. Say he had a tie on that you liked a helluva lot—I’m just giving you an example, now. You know what he’d do? He’d probably take it off and give it ta you. He really would. Or—you know what he’d do? He’d leave it on your bed or something. But he’d give you the goddam tie. Most guys would probably just—”

“Hell,” Ackley said. “If I had his dough, I would, too.”

“No, you wouldn’t.” I shook my head. “No, you wouldn’t, Ackley kid. If you had his dough, you’d be one of the biggest—”

“Stop calling me ‘Ackley kid,’ God damn it. I’m old enough to be your lousy father.”

“No, you’re not.” Boy, he could really be aggravating sometimes. He never missed a chance to let you know you were sixteen and he was eighteen. “In the first place, I wouldn’t let you in my goddam family,” I said.

“Well, just cut out calling me—”

All of a sudden the door opened, and old Stradlater barged in, in a big hurry. He was always in a big hurry. Everything was a very big deal. He came over to me and gave me these two playful as hell slaps on both cheeks—which is something that can be very annoying. “Listen,” he said. “You going out anywheres special tonight?”

“I don’t know. I might. What the hell’s it doing out—snowing?” He had snow all over his coat.

“Yeah. Listen. If you’re not going out anyplace special, how ’bout lending me your hound’s-tooth jacket?”

“Who won the game?” I said.

“It’s only the half. We’re leaving,” Stradlater said. “No kidding, you gonna use your hound’s-tooth tonight or not? I spilled some crap all over my gray flannel.”

“No, but I don’t want you stretching it with your goddam shoulders and all,” I said. We were practically the same heighth, but he weighed about twice as much as I did. He had these very broad shoulders.

“I won’t stretch it.” He went over to the closet in a big hurry. “How’sa boy, Ackley?” he said to Ackley. He was at least a pretty friendly guy, Stradlater. It was partly a phony kind of friendly, but at least he always said hello to Ackley and all.

Ackley just sort of grunted when he said “How’sa boy?” He wouldn’t answer him, but he didn’t have guts enough not to at least grunt. Then he said to me, “I think I’ll get going. See ya later.”

“Okay,” I said. He never exactly broke your heart when he went back to his own room.

Old Stradlater started taking off his coat and tie and all. “I think maybe I’ll take a fast shave,” he said. He had a pretty heavy beard. He really did.

“Where’s your date?” I asked him.

“She’s waiting in the Annex.” He went out of the room with his toilet kit and towel under his arm. No shirt on or anything. He always walked around in his bare torso because he thought he had a damn good build. He did, too. I have to admit it.

I didn’t have anything special to do, so I went down to the can and chewed the rag with him while he was shaving. We were the only ones in the can, because everybody was still down at the game. It was hot as hell and the windows were all steamy. There were about ten washbowls, all right against the wall. Stradlater had the middle one. I sat down on the one right next to him and started turning the cold water on and off—this nervous habit I have. Stradlater kept whistling “Song of India” while he shaved. He had one of those very piercing whistles that are practically never in tune, and he always picked out some song that’s hard to whistle even if you’re a good whistler, like “Song of India” or “Slaughter on Tenth Avenue.” He could really mess a song up.

You remember I said before that Ackley was a slob in his personal habits? Well, so was Stradlater, but in a different way. Stradlater was more of a secret slob. He always looked all right, Stradlater, but for instance, you should’ve seen the razor he shaved himself with. It was always rusty as hell and full of lather and hairs and crap. He never cleaned it or anything. He always looked good when he was finished fixing himself up, but he was a secret slob anyway, if you knew him the way I did. The reason he fixed himself up to look good was because he was madly in love with himself. He thought he was the handsomest guy in the Western Hemisphere. He was pretty handsome, too—I’ll admit it. But he was mostly the kind of a handsome guy that if your parents saw his picture in your Year Book, they’d right away say, “Who’s this boy?” I mean he was mostly a Year Book kind of handsome guy. I knew a lot of guys at Pencey I thought were a lot handsomer than Stradlater, but they wouldn’t look handsome if you saw their pictures in the Year Book. They’d look like they had big noses or their ears stuck out. I’ve had that experience frequently.