Tatsuhiko Takimoto - Welcome to the NHK!

“The fact that the one time we did it, we parted soon afterward … that was rather hard on me.”

“Maybe it’s my fault that you became a hikikomori.”

“There’s no connection at all. It was more like some other big kind of…”

“Like the huge organization?”

“Yeah, that’s right! The giant, evil organization totally got me.”

“Me, too, you know? The evil organization ripped me off, too! There might be nothing I can do …”

Suddenly, she announced that she was pregnant.

“Wow! I’m so amazed! You’re going to be a mother!” I was stunned.

“That’s why I’m getting married. Now, I’ve succeeded at life! I've gotten on the right path. Now, I think I can go forward, all the way, in a straight line.” She was walking quickly, about three feet in front of me. I couldn’t see her expression, but I assumed from her tone that she was honestly excited. She was happy. She had to be.

“That’s really great. Really great. Really great.” I said the same thing three times in a row to celebrate the start of her new life with appropriate ceremony.

“It doesn’t bother you, Satou?” Her steps ceased.

“No, not really.” I stopped in place, as well.

“I don’t know why, but I’m in pain.”

We had arrived at a street lined with hotels. There were several couples hanging around who had their arms around each other’s shoulders, even though it was the middle of the day. I felt a little shiver of excitement.

“Shall we have an affair or something?” The girl smiled as she said this.

“An affair with a young wife! It’s like on TV!” I grew even more excited.

“I only let you do it once, so I feel bad for you.”

We stood in front of a hotel, directly facing each other. I really wanted to stay there with her.

We were both laughing. “You’re happy now, aren’t you?” I asked.

“That’s right.”

“You’re in a place where the giant organization can no longer reach you, right?”

“That’s right,” she repeated.

“Then, I’m going home.” Hunching over, I left the spot immediately.

As I passed her, I stole a quick look. She was crying. It seemed impossible. It should have been easy for someone as cute and friendly as she was to find a happy, healthy, and gentle life—something that anyone would envy. Someone that beautiful should be able to live a carefree life.

In actuality, there’s nothing to do about a useless, recurring depression. A person could become disconsolate or angry. Even if they’re enraged enough to punch something, they won’t find a target. A huge organization … They wish that some huge, evil organization existed. That becomes our dream…

Terrible things inundate the world. This world is wrapped in complex, messed-up, senseless, and incomprehensible misfortune and sadness.

She told me that her college friend had committed suicide, leaving behind a stupid will that said something like, “I’ve been broken by both dreams and love, and so I shall die now.” A classmate from elementary school had married and divorced. Yamada was now raising two children on his own and going gray, which made her laugh. Kazumi, who had been living with a man, went home to her family, Yuusuke, who was trying to become a public servant, failed his test. Yamazaki, who was making erotic games, had all his dreams destroyed.

“I’m testing my own talent. It doesn’t have to be an erotic game, but I’ll do … I’ll do something!” When he proclaimed this, drunk from sake, his future already was set as a dairy farmer, chasing after cows. I no longer could see how he could escape it.

At reunions and parties, everyone laughed and made a big fuss. Those events were fun, as was karaoke. Everyone had a good time and seemed sure that the future would be perfect: We could become anything! We could do anything! We could become happy!

These things were true—but steadily, very steadily, at a speed so terribly slow we didn’t even notice it, we were being run down. There was nothing we could do, even if we were in trouble, defeated, or crying. Every one of us eventually had some terrible experiences. The only difference was whether it would happen sooner or later; but in the end, we all would fall into some really unbearable situation.

I was scared. I was scared of all sorts of things.

I thought of my female classmate. Hey, I'm no good. I'm more than five hundred times worse than the public servant you managed to meet. There’s nothing I can do for you. I really wanted to go to the hotel with you, but it would have just made it harder for you. I wasn’t just trying to be cool or anything. Ah, I really did want to have an affair with you. It’s impossible, though. It’s obviously impossible. A pathetic hikikomori like me, who can’t even take care of himself, doesn’t have the power to make you happy.

Oh, I wanted to become a strong person, a person who could be relied upon, who brightened surroundings just by being there. I wanted to spread good fortune. However, the reality is that I am a hikikomori—a hikikomori, afraid of the outside world.

I don’t know why I’m so frightened, so frightened that I can’t do anything.

I’m no good anymore.

Next month, my allowance would stop. What would I do then? This lifestyle would have to end soon. Should I just end my life?

I shut down the computer I was using to write the erotic game scenarios. I decided to call Yamazaki and apologize. “I’m sorry, I can’t write the scenarios anymore.”

But he was already on the phone. I could hear his screams of rage from next door. “Why does it always have to come back to this discussion?! To start with, I came here with my own money. I’m not under any obligation to take orders from you!”

It sounded like he was fighting with his parents again. Everyone has their own problems.

I was just about at the point of truly losing the courage to go on. A line from a poem popped into my head: The end of the rainy season, refreshing, suicide.

I shook my head. For now, I decided to sleep. Changing into my pajamas, I tried lying down in bed. As I did, the scrap of paper on top of the TV caught my eye. It was the contract I had received from Misaki.

One evening, I had been reading manga in the convenience store’s magazine corner when, all of a sudden, Misaki was standing behind me. “By the next time we meet, make sure to sign and stamp this, okay?” she said, extracting a piece of paper from her bag. She passed it to me; by the look of it, she’d been walking around with it for a while.

That scrap of paper…

I’d already read it several times, but I picked it up and read again. It was, of course, an unendingly incomprehensible document, so utterly ridiculous that it made my head ache. However, with my emotions at their lowest, it also appealed to me in some strange way. So, I finally signed and stamped the contract.

Shoving it into my pocket, I headed toward the neighborhood park. It was night, and the moon was out. Somewhere, a dog howled. Seated on the bench next to the swings, I looked dreamily up at the night sky.

Unexpectedly, Misaki showed up, again wearing normal clothing rather than her religious garb. She joined me on the park bench and began making excuses for something I hadn’t even mentioned. “This doesn’t mean I watch the park entrance from my window every night.”

I laughed. After my laugh had evaporated, the distant baying of the dog had ceased, and the only sound left was an ambulance’s far-off siren, Misaki asked, “Did you finish making your game?”

“Ah, yeah, the erotic game got canceled in the end. How did you know about it, though?”

“When Yamazaki came to the manga cafe a few days ago, I happened to overhear him talking about it. By the way, what’s an erotic game?”