Iain Banks - Whit

'That's what it was there for!' I exclaimed. 'I thought that's what I was supposed to do with it!'

'Oh, Isis,' Allan said heavily, and sat down in his chair.

'Did you think you heard God tell you to?' Erin said, as though confused.

'No,' I said. 'It was my decision.'

'Then why ?' Erin implored.

'Because it seemed like the right thing to do. What else was I supposed -?'

'But that wasn't up to you to decide!'

'Why not? Who on earth could I ask? Zeb?'

'Zeb?' Erin looked confused. 'No; your Grandfather, of course!'

'How was I supposed to ask him?' I yelled, simply not understanding what she was talking about.

'Hey,' Yolanda began. 'I think you two are-'

'What do you mean, how?' Erin shouted. 'To his face, of course!'

'I was in London; how could I- ?'

'London?' Erin said. 'What are you talking about?'

'I'm talking,' I said, slowing and trying to keep my temper, 'about taking the zhlonjiz in London. How was I supposed to-?'

'Well I'm talking about taking it from here ,' Erin said. 'How could you? How could you just take it? How could you steal it from us?'

'… ah,' I heard Allan say.

'Jeez,' Yolanda said, shaking her head and sitting on the edge of the desk.

'I-' I began, then stopped. 'What?' I asked. 'Steal? What are you talking about?'

'Isis,' Erin said. A wisp of greying brown hair had dissociated itself from her bun; she blew it away with the side of her mouth. 'What we all want to know,' she said, glancing at Allan, who nodded wearily, 'is why you took the zhlonjiz in the first place.'

I stared at her for a moment, and it was as though the floor beneath me tipped somehow; I thought the room itself, the mansion house and whole Community suddenly creaked and leaned to one side; my legs almost buckled and I had to hold onto the edge of the desk again. I felt Grandma Yolanda's hand on my arm, steadying me.

'I didn't take it,' I said. The note. I had lost the note. 'I didn't take it,' I repeated, shaking my head, feeling the blood leave my face as I looked from Erin to Allan and then to Yolanda. 'I was given it. It was in my bag. My kit-bag. I found it. In there. I found it. Really…'

I sat down again, my legs wobbly.

'Oh dear,' Allan said, running fingers through his hair.

Erin put her hand over her eyes, shaking her head. 'Isis, Isis,' she said, looking away.

'What is this stuff?' Yolanda said. 'This one of Salvador's holy ointments?'

'It's the holy ointment,' Allan said, sounding tired. He looked at Yolanda for a moment then gave a shrug. 'What it actually does…' he said awkwardly. '… I mean, it's very old… it's probably… The point is,' he said, leaning forward over the desk, 'Grandfather believes… he regards… he knows, in his own heart, that it is… effective.' Allan glanced at me. He hit his chest with his fist. 'In here, Salvador knows that it works. We respect that.' He glanced at me. 'We all respect that.'

'I didn't take it,' I said. 'It was in my bag. I found it. There was a note.'

'What?' Erin said. Allan just closed his eyes.

'A note,' I said. 'A note from Salvador.'

'A note?' Erin said. I could see the disbelief in her eyes, hear it in her voice.

'Yes,' I said. 'Well… it was signed with an "S".'

Allan and Erin exchanged looks. 'What did this note say?' Erin sighed.

'It just said, "In case you need it",' I told them. 'Then an "S".'

They exchanged looks again. 'It did!' I said. 'I think. Something like that. I think those were the words… or it was, "Just in case, S." Something… something similar…'

'Do you have this note?' Erin asked.

I shook my head. 'No,' I admitted. 'No. It disappeared. I think the police-'

'Don't, Isis,' Erin said, shaking her head and walking away with her hand over her eyes again. 'Don't. Please don't do this. Don't make it worse…'

Allan muttered something and shook his head.

'But it's true!' I said, looking from Erin to Yolanda, who patted my hand.

'I know, I know, honey; I believe you.'

'Isis,' Erin said, coming back over to me and taking one of my hands in hers. 'I really think you'd be better off just admitting you took the-'

'Look,' Yolanda said, 'if she says she didn't take the goddamn ointment, she didn't, okay?'

'Sister Yolanda,-'

'And I ain't your goddamn sister.'

'Isis,' Erin said earnestly, turning from my grandmother to me and taking both my hands in hers. 'Don't do this. Your Grandfather's terribly upset. If you just confess-'

'What, are you fucking Catholics now?'

'Isis!' Erin said, ignoring my grandmother. I had looked at Yolanda and now Erin jerked my hands, turning me back to her. 'Isis; make a clean breast of it; just say you took it on impulse; say you thought it was something else; say you-'

'But none of that's true!' I protested. 'I found the vial in my bag, with a note tied to it. Well, not tied to it; it was a rubber band-'

'Isis!' Erin said, shaking me again. 'Stop! You're only digging yourself in deeper!'

'No I'm not! I'm telling the truth! I'm not going to lie!'

Erin threw my hands down and walked off to the smaller desk. She stood there, one of her hands up at her face, her shoulders shaking.

Yolanda patted my arm again. 'You just tell it like it is, kid. You just tell the truth and the hell with them all.'

'Isis,' Allan said leadenly. I turned to him, still with a sense that things were happening in some strange, slowing fluid that was all around me. 'I can't…' He took a deep breath. 'Look,' he said. 'I'll,' he glanced at the doors, 'I'll have a word with Salvador, okay? Perhaps he'll have calmed down a bit, later. Then maybe you and he could… you know, talk. You have to decide what you're going to say. I can't tell you what to say, but he is really really upset and… Well, you just have to decide what's best. I…' He shook his head, stared down at his hands clasped on the desk. 'I don't know what to make of all this, it's just… it's like everything's…' He gave a small, despairing laugh. 'We must all just pray, and to trust to God. Listen to Them, Isis. Listen to what They say.'

'Yes,' I said, drying my eyes with my sleeve, and then with a handkerchief Yolanda produced. I straightened. 'Yes, of course.'

Allan glanced at the office clock, high on one wall. 'We'd better give him till this evening. Will you be in your room?' he asked.

I nodded. 'I may go for a walk first, but, later, yes.'

'Okay.' He raised his flat hands from the desk's surface and let them fall back again. 'We'll see what we can do.'

'Thank you,' I said, sniffing and handing my grandmother back her handkerchief. I nodded to her and we turned to go.

Erin was still standing staring down at the desk by the door. I paused, dug into my jacket pocket and took out a roll of pound notes bound with a little rubber band. I placed the roll on the desk and added two one-pence pieces from a trouser pocket. Erin looked at the money.

'Twenty-seven pounds, two pence,' I said.

'Well done,' Erin said flatly. Yolanda and I left the room.

'I guess a lawyer wouldn't be appropriate,' Yolanda said as we went downstairs.

'I don't think so, Grandma.'

'Well, first thing we should do is drive to the hotel, or into Stirling at any rate, and have us some lunch. I need a margarita.'

'Thanks, Grandma,' I said, stopping to face her as we got to the bottom of the stairs. I squeezed her hand. 'But I think I'd just like to… you know, be by myself for a bit.'

She looked hurt. 'You want me to go, is that it?'

I tried to work out how to say what it was I wanted to say. 'I need to think, Yolanda. I need…' I breathed in hard, gaze flickering over the walls, the ceiling and back down the stairs again until I looked at my grandmother again. 'I need to think myself back into the person I am when I'm here, do you know what I mean?'