Christopher Moore - Lamb - The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal

“I’ve been to one of their trials by dinner,” said Joshua. “I thought you were a believer.”

“I am,” said Joseph, “especially after what I saw today, but that’s why you have to come to my house and have dinner with the Pharisees from the council. Show them who you are. Explain to them in an informal setting what it is that you are doing.”

“Satan himself once asked me to prove myself,” said Joshua. “What proof do I owe these hypocrites?”

“Please, Joshua. They may be hypocrites, but they have great influence over the people. Because they condemn you the people are afraid to listen to the Word. I know Pontius Pilate, I don’t think anyone would harm you in my home and risk his wrath.”

Joshua sat for a moment, sipping his wine. “Then into the den of vipers I shall go.”

“Don’t do it, Joshua,” I said.

“And you have to come alone,” said Joseph. “You can’t bring any of the apostles.”

“That’s not a problem,” I said. “I’m only a disciple.”

“Especially not him,” said Joseph. “Jakan bar Iban will be there.”

“So I guess it’s another night sitting home for me, too,” said Maggie.

Later we all watched and waved as Joseph and Joshua left to go back to Jerusalem for the dinner at Joseph’s house.

“As soon as they get around the corner you follow them,” Maggie said to me.

“Of course.”

“Stay close enough to hear if he needs you.”

“Absolutely.”

“Come here.” She pulled me inside the door where the others wouldn’t see and gave me one of those Maggie kisses that made me walk into walls and forget my name for a few minutes. It was the first in months. She released me and held me at arm’s length, then, “You know that if there were no Joshua, I wouldn’t love anyone but you,” she said.

“You don’t have to bribe me to watch over him, Maggie.”

“I know. That’s one of the reasons I love you,” she said. “Now go.”

My years of trying to sneak up on the monks in the monastery paid me back as I shadowed Joshua and Joseph through Jerusalem. They had no idea I was following, as I slipped from shadow to shadow, wall to tree, finally to Joseph’s house, which lay south of the city walls, only a stone’s throw from the palace of the high priest, Caiaphas. Joseph of Arimathea’s house was only slightly smaller than the palace itself, but I was able to find a spot on the roof of an adjacent building where I could watch the dinner through a window and still have a view of the front door.

Joshua and Joseph sat in the dining room drinking wine by themselves for a while, then gradually the servants let in the other guests as they arrived in groups of twos and threes. There were a dozen of them by the time dinner was served, all of the Pharisees that had been at the dinner at Jakan’s house, plus five more that I had never seen before, but all were severe and meticulous about washing before dinner and checking each other to make sure that all was in order.

I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but I really didn’t care. There seemed to be no immediate threat to Joshua, and that was all I was worried about. He could hold his own on the rhetorical battlefield. Then, when it seemed that it would end without incident, I saw the tall hat and white robe of a priest in the street, and with him two Temple guards carrying their long, bronze-tipped spears. I dropped down off the roof and made my way around the opposite side of the house, arriving just in time to see a servant lead the priest inside.

As soon as Joshua came through the door at Simon’s house Martha and Maggie showered him with kisses as if he had returned from the war, then led him to the table and started interrogating him about the dinner.

“First they yelled at me for having fun, drinking wine, and feasting. Saying that if I was truly a prophet I would fast.”

“And what did you tell them?” I asked, still a little winded from the running to get to Simon’s house ahead of Joshua.

“I said, well, John didn’t eat anything but bugs, and he never drank wine in his life, and he certainly never had any fun, and they didn’t believe him, so what kind of standards were they trying to set, and please pass the tabbouleh.”

“What did they say then?”

“Then they yelled at me for eating with tax collectors and harlots.”

“Hey,” said Matthew.

“Hey,” said Martha.

“They didn’t mean you, Martha, they meant Maggie.”

“Hey,” said Maggie.

“I told them that tax collectors and harlots would see the kingdom of God before they did. Then they yelled at me for healing on the Sabbath, not washing my hands before I eat, being in league with the Devil again, and blaspheming by claiming to be the Son of God.”

“Then what?”

“Then we had dessert. It was some sort of cake made with dates and honey. I liked it. Then a guy came to the door wearing priest’s robes.”

“Uh-oh,” said Matthew.

“Yeah, that was bad,” said Joshua. “He went around whispering in the ears of all the Pharisees, then Jakan asked me by what authority I raised Simon from the dead.”

“And what did you say?”

“I didn’t say anything, not with the Sadducee there. But Joseph told them that Simon hadn’t been dead. He was just sleeping.”

“So what did they say to that?”

“Then they asked me by what authority I woke him up.”

“And what did you say?”

“I got angry then. I said by all the authority of God and the Holy Ghost, by the authority of Moses and Elijah, by the authority of David and Solomon, by the authority of thunder and lightning, by the authority of the sea and the air and the fire in the earth, I told them.”

“And what did they say?”

“They said that Simon must have been a very sound sleeper.”

“Sarcasm is wasted on those guys,” I said.

“Completely wasted,” said Joshua. “Anyway, then I left, and outside there were two guards from the Temple. The shafts of their spears had been broken and they were both unconscious. There was blood on one’s scalp. So I healed them, and when I saw they were coming around, I came here.”

“They don’t think you attacked the guards?” Simon asked.

“No, the priest followed me down. He saw them at the same time that I did.”

“And your healing them didn’t convince him?”

“Hardly.”

“So what do we do now?”

“I think we should go back to Galilee. Joseph will send word if anything comes of the meeting of the council.”

“You know what will come of it,” Maggie said. “You threaten them. And now they have the priests involved. You know what will happen.”

“Yes, I do,” said Joshua. “But you don’t. We’ll leave for Capernaum in the morning.”

Later Maggie came to me in the great room of Simon’s house, where we were all bedded down for the night. She crawled under my blanket and put her lips right next to my ear. As usual, she smelled of lemons and cinnamon. “What did you do to those guards?” she whispered.

“I surprised them. I thought they might be there to arrest Joshua.”

“You might have gotten him arrested.”

“Look, have you done this before? Because if you have some sort of plan, please let me in on it. Personally, I’m making this up as I go along.”

“You did good,” she whispered. She kissed my ear. “Thank you.”

I reached for her and she shimmied away.

“And I’m still not going to sleep with you,” she said.

The messenger must have ridden through several nights to get ahead of us, but when we got back to Capernaum there was already a message waiting from Joseph of Arimathea.

Joshua:

Pharisee council condemned you to death for blasphemy. Herod concurs. No official death warrant issued, but suggest you take disciples into Herod Philip’s territory until things settle down. No word from the priests yet, which is good. Enjoyed having you at dinner, please drop by next time you’re in town.