Christopher Moore - Lamb - The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal

“Not yet,” said Joshua. “Not until Philip and Thaddeus return with John’s followers. I will not leave them lost. I need a sermon, one that can serve as if it was my last, one that will sustain the lost while I’m gone. Once I deliver it to Galilee, I’ll go to Philip’s territory.”

I looked at Maggie and she nodded, as if to say, Do what you have to, but protect him.

“Let’s write it then,” I said.

Like any great speech, the Sermon on the Mount sounds as if it just happened spontaneously, but actually Joshua and I worked on it for over a week—Joshua dictating and me taking notes on parchment. (I had invented a way of sandwiching a thin piece of charcoal between two pieces of olive wood so that I could write without carrying a quill and inkwell.) We worked in front of Peter’s house, out in the boat, even on the mountainside where he would deliver the sermon. Joshua wanted to devote a long section of the sermon to adultery, largely, I realize now, motivated by my relationship with Maggie. Even though Maggie had resolved to stay celibate and preach the Word, I think Joshua wanted to drive the point home.

Joshua said, “Put in ‘If a man even looks at a woman with lust in his heart, he has committed adultery.’”

“Really, you want to go with that? And this ‘If a divorced woman remarries she commits adultery’?”

“Yeah.”

“Seems a little harsh. A little Pharisee-ish.”

“I had some people in mind. What do you have?”

“‘Verily I say unto you’—I know you like to say ‘verily’ when you’re talking about adultery—anyway, ‘Verily I say unto you, that should a man put oil upon a woman’s naked body, and make her go upon all fours and bark like a dog, while knowing her, if you know what I mean, then he has committed adultery, and surely if a woman do the same thing right back, well she has jumped on the adultery donkey cart herownself. And if a woman should pretend to be a powerful queen, and a man a lowly slave boy, and if she should call him humiliating names and make him lick upon her body, then surely they have sinned like big dogs—and woe unto the man if he pretends to be a powerful queen, and—’”

“That’s enough, Biff.”

“But you want to be specific, don’t you. You don’t want people to walk around wondering, ‘Hey, is this adultery, or what? Maybe you should roll over.’”

“I’m not sure that being that specific is a good idea.”

“Okay, how ’bout this: ‘Should a man or a woman have any goings-on with their mutual naughty bits, then it is more than likely they are committing adultery, or at least they should consider it.’”

“Well, maybe more specific than that.”

“Come on, Josh, this isn’t an easy one like ‘Thou shalt not kill.’ Basically, there you got a corpse, you got a sin, right?”

“Yes, adultery can be sticky.”

“Well, yes…Look, a seagull!”

“Biff, I appreciate that you feel obliged to be an advocate for your favorite sins, but that’s not what I need here. What I need is help writing this sermon. How we doing on the Beatitudes?”

“Pardon me?”

“The blesseds.”

“We’ve got: Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness; blessed are the poor in spirit, the pure in heart, the whiners, the meek, the—”

“Wait, what are we giving the meek?”

“Let’s see, uh, here: Blessed are the meek, for to them we shall say, ‘attaboy.’”

“A little weak.”

“Yeah.”

“Let’s let the meek inherit the earth.”

“Can’t you give the earth to the whiners?”

“Well then, cut the whiners and give the earth to the meek.”

“Okay. Earth to the meek. Here we go. Blessed are the peacemakers, the mourners, and that’s it.”

“How many is that?”

“Seven.”

“Not enough. We need one more. How about the dumbfucks?”

“No, Josh, not the dumbfucks. You’ve done enough for the dumbfucks. Nathaniel, Thomas—”

“Blessed are the dumbfucks for they, uh—I don’t know—they shall never be disappointed.”

“No, I’m drawing the line at dumbfucks. Come on, Josh, why can’t we have any powerful guys on our team? Why do we have to have the meek, and the poor, the oppressed, and the pissed on? Why can’t we, for once, have blessed are the big powerful rich guys with swords?”

“Because they don’t need us.”

“Okay, but no ‘Blessed are the dumbfucks.’”

“Who then?”

“Sluts?”

“No.”

“How about the wankers? I can think of five or six disciples that would be really blessed.”

“No wankers. I’ve got it: Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake.”

“Okay, better. What are you going to give them?”

“A fruit basket.”

“You can’t give the meek the whole earth and these guys a fruit basket.”

“Give them the kingdom of heaven.”

“The poor in spirit got that.”

“Everybody gets some.”

“Okay then, ‘share the Kingdom of Heaven.’” I wrote it down.

“We could give the fruit basket to the dumbfucks.”

“NO DUMBFUCKS!”

“Sorry, I just feel for them.”

“You feel for everyone, Josh. It’s your job.”

“Oh yeah. I forgot.”

We finished writing the sermon only a few hours before Philip and Thaddeus returned from Judea leading three thousand of John’s followers. Joshua had them gather on a hillside above Capernaum, then sent the disciples into the crowd to find the sick and bring them to him. He performed miracles of healing all morning, then coming into the afternoon he gathered us together at the spring below the mountain.

Peter said, “There’s at least another thousand people from Galilee on the hill, Joshua, and they are hungry.”

“How much food do we have?” Joshua asked.

Judas came forward with a basket. “Five loaves and two fish.”

“That will do, but you’ll need more baskets. And about a hundred volunteers to help distribute the food. Nathaniel, you, Bartholomew, and Thomas go into the crowd and find me fifty to a hundred people who have their own baskets. Bring them here. By the time you get back we’ll have the food for them.”

Judas threw down his basket. “We have five loaves, how do you think—”

Joshua held up his hand for silence and the Zealot clammed up. “Judas, today you’ve seen the lame walk, the blind see, and the deaf hear.”

“Not to mention the blind hear and the deaf see,” I added.

Joshua scowled at me. “It will take little more to feed a few of the faithful.”

“There are but five loaves!” shouted Judas.

“Judas, once there was a rich man, who built great barns and granaries so he could save all of the fruits of his wealth long into his old age. But on the very day his barns were finished, the Lord said, “Hey, we need you up here.” And the rich man did say, “Oh shit, I’m dead.” So what good did his stuff do him?”

“Huh?”

“Don’t worry about what you’re going to eat.”

Nathaniel, Bart, and Thomas started off to their assigned duty, but Maggie grabbed Nathaniel and held him fast. “No,” she said. “No one does anything until you promise us that you’ll go into hiding after this sermon.”

Joshua smiled. “How can I hide, Maggie? Who will spread the Word? Who will heal the sick?”

“We will,” Maggie continued. “Now promise. Go into the land of the gentiles, out of Herod’s reach, just until things calm down. Promise or we don’t move.” Peter and Andrew stepped up behind Maggie to show their support. John and James were nodding as she spoke.

“So be it,” said Joshua. “But now we have hungry people to feed.”

And we fed them. The loaves and the fish were multiplied, jars were brought in from the surrounding villages and filled with water, which was carried to the mountainside, and all the while the local Pharisees watched and growled and spied, but they hadn’t missed the healings, and they didn’t miss the Sermon on the Mount, and word of it went back to Jerusalem with their poison reports.