Christopher Moore - A Dirty Job

“Thanks,” Charlie said, then, as if a light went on: “Hey, I’ve been looking for you—where the hell have you been?”

“Hiding out. One of those things came after me on the BART a few nights ago when I was coming back from Oakland.”

“How’d you get away?”

“Those little animal things, a bunch of them attacked her in the dark. I could hear her screaming at them, tearing them to ribbons, but they held her off until the train pulled into the station, which was full of people. She bolted back into the tunnel. There were pieces of the animal creatures everywhere in the train car.”

Minty turned onto Van Ness and started heading toward Charlie’s side of town.

“So they helped you? They’re not part of the Underworlders trying to take over?”

“They don’t appear to be. They saved my ass.”

“So you know some of the Death Merchants have been killed?”

“I didn’t know. It wasn’t in the paper. I saw where Anton’s shop burned up last night. He didn’t make it out?”

“They found pieces of him,” Charlie said.

“Charlie, I think I caused this.” Minty Fresh turned and really looked at Charlie for the first time, his golden eyes looking forlorn. “I failed to collect my last two soul vessels, and all of this started.”

“I thought it was me,” Charlie said. “I missed two as well. But I don’t think it’s us. My two clients are alive, I think they’re in that house where I was going when you saved me: the Three Jewels Buddhist Center. There’s a woman there who’s been buying up soul vessels, too.”

“Cute brunette?” Minty asked.

“I don’t know. Why?”

“She bought some from me, too. Tried to disguise herself, but it was her.”

“Well, she’s in that house back there. I’ve got to go back there.”

“I don’t want anything to do with those bitches with the claws,” Minty said.

“True dat,” Charlie said. “I had a thing with one of them.”

“No.”

“Yeah, she got all up in my grille and shit—had to cut da ho loose.”

“Stop that.”

“Sorry. Anyway, I’ve got to go back.”

“You sure? I don’t think they’re dead. Doesn’t look like they can be dead.”

“You could run over them again. By the way, how did you know where to find me?”

“After I heard about Anton’s place burning, I tried to call him and got a disconnected message, so I went to your store. I talked to that little Goth girl you have working for you. She told me where you went. Talked to her for about ten minutes. She knows about me—I mean us? The Death Merchants?”

“Yes, I told her a long time ago. Wasn’t she, uh, busy when you got there? With a guy, I mean.”

“No. She seeing anyone?”

“I thought you were gay?”

“I never said that.”

“Yeah, but you didn’t go out of your way to deny it either.”

“Charlie, I run a music store in the Castro, I’d do more business as a gay Death Merchant than a straight shopkeeper.”

“Good point. I never thought of that.”

“Color me surprised. So, she seeing anyone?”

“She’s half your age and I think she’s a little twisted—sexually, I mean.”

“So is she seeing anyone?”

“She’s like a little sister to me, Fresh. Don’t you have employees like that?”

“Have you never met anyone who works in a record store? There’s no greater repository of unjustified arrogance in the world. I’d poison my employees if I thought I could find replacements.”

“I don’t think she’s seeing anybody, but since the world is about to be taken over by the Forces of Darkness, you may not have time for dating.”

“I don’t know. She seems like she might have an in with the Forces of Darkness. I like her, she’s funny in a sort of macabre way, and she likes Miles.”

“Lily likes Miles Davis?”

“You don’t know that about your little sister?”

Charlie threw his hands up. “Take her, use her, throw her away, I don’t care, she’s only part-time. You can date my daughter, too. She’s going to be six and probably loves Coltrane for all I know.”

“Calm down, you’re overreacting.”

“Just turn around and take me back to that Buddhist center. I’ve got to stop this thing. It’s all on me, Fresh. I’m the Luminatus.”

“You are not.”

“I am,” Charlie said.

“You’re the Great Death—with a capital D ? You? You know this to be true?”

“I do,” Charlie said.

“I knew there was something different about you, but I thought that the Luminatus would be—I don’t know—taller.”

“Don’t start with that, okay.”

Minty swung the car off Van Ness into a hotel turnaround.

“Where are you going?” Charlie said.

“To run over some sewer harpies again.”

“Back to the Buddhist center?”

“Uh-huh. You have any weapons besides that stupid sword?”

“My cop friend told me I should get a gun.”

Minty Fresh reached into his moss-green jacket and came out with the biggest pistol Charlie had ever seen. He placed it on the seat. “Take it. Desert Eagle fifty-caliber. It’ll stop a bear.”

Charlie picked up the chrome-plated pistol. It weighed like five pounds and the barrel looked big enough to stick your thumb in.

“This thing is huge.”

“I’m a big guy. Listen, it holds eight shots. There’s a round in the chamber. You have to cock it and release the safety before you fire. There and there.” He pointed to the safety and the hammer. “Hold on to it if you have to shoot. It will knock you on your ass if you’re not ready.”

“What about you?”

Minty patted the other side of his coat. “I have another one.”

Charlie turned the gun in his hand and watched the streetlights playing off its chromed surface. (Beta Males, who inherently feel they are always at a competitive disadvantage, are suckers for showy equalizers.) “You have a lot going on under the surface, Mr. Fresh. You are not just the run-of-the-mill seven-foot-tall Death Merchant in a pastel-green suit.”

“Thank you, Mr. Asher. Very kind of you to say.”

“My pleasure.”

Charlie’s cell phone rang and he flipped it open.

Rivera said, “Asher, where the hell are you? I’ve been circling the Mission and there’s nothing here but a lot of black feathers flying in the air.”

“Yeah, it’s okay. I’m okay, Inspector. I found Minty Fresh, the guy who owns the music store. I’m in the car with him.”

“So you’re safe?”

“Relatively.”

“Good. Lay low and I’ll call you, okay? I want to talk to your friend tomorrow.”

“You got it, Inspector. Thanks for coming to help.”

“Careful, Asher.”

“Gotcha. I’m laying low. Bye.”

Charlie snapped the phone shut and turned to Minty Fresh. “You ready?”

“Absolutely,” said the fresh one.

The street was deserted when they pulled up in front of the Three Jewels Buddhist Center.

“I’ll go around to the back,” Minty said.

Well, cars suck, I can tell you that,” said Babd, trying to keep herself together as the Morrigan limped back to the great ship. “Five thousand years, horses are fine, all of a sudden we have to have paved streets and cars. I don’t see the attraction.”

“I’m not even sure that we need to rise and let Darkness rule,” said Nemain. “Apparently darkness isn’t qualified yet. Speaking as an agent of Darkness, I think it needs more time.” She had been crushed into a half-woman, half-raven form and was shedding feathers as they limped through the pipe.

“It’s like that New Meat has someone watching over him,” said Macha. “Next time Orcus can deal with him.”