Christopher Moore - Fool

“You’ve weed on yourself, ain’t ya?” said Drool, back in his own voice, but with a bit of a Welsh accent, no doubt to comfort the disguised Kent.

“Hours ago, and twice since,” said Kent.

“I does that sometime in the night, when it’s cold or it’s too far to the privy.”

“I’m just old and my bladder’s shrunk to the size of a walnut.”

“I’ve started a war,” said I, since we seemed to be sharing privacies.

Kent struggled in the stocks to look at me. “What’s this? From key—to wee—to, ‘I’ve started a bloody war,’ without so much as a by-your-leave? I’m bewildered, Pocket.”

“Aye, which concerns me, as you lot are my army.”

“Smashing!” said Drool.

The Earl of Gloucester came himself to release Kent. “I’m sorry, good man. You know I would not have allowed this, but once Cornwall has set his mind…”

“I heard you try,” said Kent. The two had been friends in a former life, but now, Kent, lean and dark-haired, looked younger and more than a measure dangerous, while the weeks had weighed like years on Gloucester. He was near feeble, and struggled with the heavy key to the stocks. I took it from him gently and worked the lock.

“And you, fool, I’ll not have you chiding Edmund for his bastardy.”

“He’s no longer a bastard, then? You married his mother. Congratulations, good earl.”

“No, his mother is long dead. His legitimacy comes from the treachery of my other son, Edgar, who betrayed me.”

“How so?” I asked, knowing full well how.

“He planned to take my lands from me and hasten me to the grave.”

This was not what I had written in the letter. Certainly, the lands would be forfeit, but there had been no mention of murder of the old man. This was Edmund’s doing.

“What have you done to anger our father?” said Drool, pitch-perfect in Edmund’s voice.

We all turned and stared at the great oaf, the wrong-sized voice coming from his cavernous mouth.

“I have done nothing,” said Drool in another voice.

“Edgar?” said Gloucester.

Indeed, it was Edgar’s voice. I tensed at what might come next.

“Arm yourself and hide,” the bastard’s voice said. “Father has it in his mind that you have committed some offense, and he has ordered guards to seize you.”

“What?” said Gloucester. “What dodgy magic is this?”

Then the bastard’s voice again: “I have consulted the constellations, and they foretell of our father going mad and hunting you—”

At that point I clamped my hand over Drool’s mouth.

“It’s nothing, my lord,” said I. “The Natural is not right in his mind. Fever, methinks. He mimics voices but not intent. His thoughts are a jumble.”

“But those were the very voices of my sons,” said Gloucester.

“Aye, but only in sound. Only in sound. Like a jabbering bird is the great fool. If you have quarters where I might take him—”

“And the king’s most favored fool, and abused servant,” added Kent, rubbing at the rash on his wrists left from the stocks.

Gloucester considered a moment. “You, good fellow, have been wrongly punished. Goneril’s steward Oswald is less than honorable. And while I find it a mystery, Lear does love his Black Fool. There’s an unused solar in the north tower. It leaks, but it will be out of the wind and close to your master, who will have quarters in the same wing.”

“Aye, thank you, good lord,” said I. “The Natural needs tending. We’ll wrap him in blankets then I’ll run down to the chemist for a leech.”

We hustled Drool into the tower and Kent closed the heavy door and bolted it. There was one cathedral window with cracked shutters and two arrow loops, all set in alcoves, with tapestries pulled aside and tied to allow in the little light. We could see our breath in the winter air.

“Drop those tapestries,” said Kent.

“Well, go grab some candles first,” said I. “It’ll be dark as Nyx’s [36] Nyx—Greek goddess of the night. bunghole once we pull the tapestries.”

Kent left the solar and returned a few minutes later with a heavy iron candelabra with three lit candles. “A chambermaid is bringing us a brazier of charcoal and some bread and ale,” said the knight. “Old Gloucester’s a good sod.”

“And survivor enough not to speak his mind to the king about his daughters,” said I.

“I’ve learned some,” said Kent.

“Aye.” I turned to the Natural, who was playing with the wax dripping off the thick candles. “Drool, what was it you were saying? That bit with Edmund and Edgar plotting.”

“I don’t know, Pocket. I just says it, I don’t know what’s said. But Lord Edmund beats me when I talk in his voice. I’m an insult to nature and should be punished, says he.”

Kent shook his head like a great hound clearing his ears of water. “What sort of convoluted wickedness have you set in motion, Pocket?”

“Me? This isn’t my doing, this villainy is authored by that blackguard Edmund. But it will work for our plan. The conversations between Edgar and Edmund lie on the shelves of Drool’s mind like forgotten volumes in a library, we need only prompt the git to open them. Now, to it. Drool, say the words of Edgar when Edmund advises him to hide.”

And so we pried events out of Drool’s memory using cues like a cat’s paw, [37] Cat’s paw—a small crowbar, often used by thieves to jimmy windows open. and by the time we had warmed ourselves over the brazier and eaten our bread, we saw the pieces of Edmund’s treachery played out as in the voices of the original players.

“So Edmund wounded himself and claimed that Edgar did it,” said Kent. “Why didn’t he simply slay his brother?”

“He needs to assure his inheritance first, and a knife to the back would have been suspect,” said I. “Besides, Edgar is a formidable fighter—I don’t think Edmund would face him.”

“A traitor and a coward,” said Kent.

“And those are his assets,” said I. “Or we shall use them thus.” I patted Drool’s shoulder softly. “Good lad, excellent fool-craft. Now, I need you to see if you can say what I say in the voice of the bastard.”

“Aye, Pocket, I’ll give it a go.”

I said, “Oh, my sweet lady Regan, thou art more fair than moonlight, more radiant than the sun, more glorious than all the stars. I must have you or I shall surely die.”

In a wink Drool repeated my words back to me in the voice of Edmund of Gloucester, the intonation and desperation in the perfect key to unlock Regan’s affections, or so I’d wager.

“Howzat?” asked the git.

“Excellent,” said I.

“Uncanny,” said Kent. “How is it that Edmund let the Natural live? He must know he bears witness to his treachery.”

“That is an excellent question. Let’s go ask him, shall we?”

It occurred to me, as we made our way to Edmund’s quarters, that since I had seen the bastard, the power of my protection, being King Lear, had waned somewhat, while Edmund’s influence, and therefore immunity, had expanded when he became heir to Gloucester. In short, the deterrents to keep the bastard from murdering me had all but evaporated. I had only Kent’s sword and Edmund’s fear of ghostly retribution to protect me. The witches’ pouch of puffballs weighed heavily as a weapon, however.

A squire showed me to an antechamber off Castle Gloucester’s great hall.

“His lordship will receive only you, fool,” said the squire.

Kent looked ready to bully the boy but I held up a hand to stay him. “I’ll see that the door is left unlatched, good Caius. If I should call, please enter and dispatch the bastard with lethal vigor.”