Christopher Moore - Fool

King Lear , Act I, Scene 1, King Lear.

Wanker—one who wanks, a tosser.

Snogging, to snog—kissing, making out, swapping spit, sucking face.

King Lear , Act I, Scene 1, King Lear.

Poofter—homosexual.

Ponced—verb form of “ponce,” a gay man, meaning to walk in a gay manner. Could possibly be a real word.

Mummers—traveling entertainers, often associated with winter solstice celebrations, but could be anything from acrobats to a theatrical troupe.

Y Ddraig Goch ddyry gychwyn —Welsh, “The Red Dragon should go forward!” Originally the Welsh National Motto. Later replaced by “Yes, we have shepherd’s pie!”

Ydych chi’n cymryd cerdynnau credid? — Welsh, “Do you take credit cards?”

Nuncle—archaic, uncle.

Curtain wall—the outer wall of a castle compound, usually surrounding all of the buildings.

Bailey—courtyard inside a castle wall.

Hecate—Greek goddess of witchcraft, sorcery, and ghosts.

Fit—British slang, attractive, sexy.

Gefilte fish—a poached ground fish patty, usually made of carp.

Décolletage —the road to Hooterville; cleavage. From the fucking French.

Iamb—in poetry, a metrical foot consisting of an unstressed syllable followed by a stressed syllable. Hit IT , Give IT .

Slag—British slang for slut, tramp.

Dugs—breasts, teats.

Perfidy—treachery, definitely not bosoms.

“By St. Cardomon’s scaly feet”—the legend goes that St. Cardomon was a monk from Italy to whom the Archangel Raziel appeared, asking for a drink of water. While looking for water, Cardomon accidentally wandered into a cave that led into hell. There he was lost for forty days and forty nights, and while his feet burned when he first arrived, he soon developed the green and scaly feet of a lizard, and was protected from the fires of hell. When he returned to the angel with a flagon of ice-water (which no one had seen before), he was granted the gift of scaly feet for all time and it is often said that a woman with feet so rough that they will tear the bedsheets are “blessed by St. Cardomon.” Cardomon is the patron saint of combination skin, cold beverages, and necrophilia.

Nyx—Greek goddess of the night.

Cat’s paw—a small crowbar, often used by thieves to jimmy windows open.

Priapus—a Greek god whose lust was so strong he was cursed with a permanent erection that was so large he was unable to move. The medical condition priapism is named for him.

Saturnalia—the celebration of the winter solstice in the Roman pantheon, paying tribute to Saturn, the “sower of seeds.” Celebration of Saturnalia involved much drunkenness and indiscriminate shagging. Observed in modern times by the ritual of the “office Christmas party.”

Arrases—tapestries and carpets hung across alcoves to cut down on drafts or preserve privacy. In Hamlet, Polonius is stabbed while hiding behind an arras.

Balls up—slang, to ruin, to fuck up, also “bollocks up” and “cock up.”

The mutt’s nuts—informal for the dog’s bollocks.

Boffnacity—an expression of shagnatiousness, fit. From the Latin boffusnatious .

Poke—a sack, bag; a pig in a poke was usually a cat, which is why you don’t buy one, being as cats are not good eating.

Weetabix—a British cereal biscuit whose taste and texture are generally thought to be improved by the addition of monkey come.

Dear—British colloquialism, expensive, costly.

C’est la vie —fucking French for “that’s life.”