Charles Bukowski: Women

"Listen," I said, "listen, you bitch, I went to the harness races tonight and won $950. I'm a winner! I'll always be a winner! You don't deserve me, bitch! You've been playing with me! Well, it's over! I want out! This is it! I don't need you and your goddamned games! Do you understand me? Do you get the message? Or is your head thicker than your ankles?"

"Hank…"

"Yes?"

"This isn't Lydia. This is Bonnie. I'm baby sitting for Lydia. She went out tonight."

I hung up and walked back to my car.

Lydia phoned me in the morning. "Whenever you get drunk," she said, "I'm going out dancing. I went to the Red Umbrella last night and I asked men to dance with me. A woman has a right to do that."

"You're a whore."

"Yeah? Well, if there's anything worse than a whore it's a bore."

"If there's anything worse than a bore it's a boring whore."

"If you don't want my pussy," she said, "I'll give it to somebody else."

"That's your privilege."

"After I finished dancing, I went to see Marvin. I wanted to get his girlfriend's address and go see her. Francine. You went to see his girl Francine one night yourself," Lydia said.

"Look, I never fucked her. I was just too drunk to drive home after a party. We didn't even kiss. She let me sleep on her couch and I went home in the morning."

"Anyhow, after I got to Marvin's, I decided not to ask for Francine's address."

Marvin's parents had money. He had a house down by the seashore. Marvin wrote poetry, better poetry than most. I liked Marvin.

"Well, I hope you had a good time," I said and hung up.

I had no sooner hung up when the phone rang again. It was Marvin. "Hey, guess who came by real late last night? Lydia. She knocked on the window and I let her in. She gave me a hard-on."

"O.K., Marvin. I understand. I'm not blaming you."

"You're not pissed?"

"Not at you."

"All right then…"

I took the sculpted head and loaded it into my car. I drove over to Lydia 's and put the head on her doorstep. I didn't ring the bell. I started to walk away. Lydia came out.

"Why are you such an ass?" she asked.

I turned. "You are not selective. One man's the same as another to you. I'm not going to eat your shit."

"I'm not going to eat your shit either!" she screamed and slammed the door.

I walked to my car, got in and started it. I put it in first. It didn't move. I tried second. Nothing. Then I went back to first. I checked to be sure the brake was off. It wouldn't move. I tried reverse. The car moved backwards. I braked and tried first again. The car wouldn't move. I was still very angry with Lydia. I thought, well, I'll drive the fucking thing home backwards. Then I thought about the cops stopping me and asking me what the hell

I was doing. Well, officers, I had a fight with my girl and this was the only way I could get home.

I didn't feel so angry with Lydia anymore. I climbed out and went to her door. She had taken my head inside. I knocked.

Lydia opened the door. "Look," I asked, "are you some kind of witch?"

"No, I'm a whore, remember?"

"You've got to drive me home. My car will only run backwards. The goddamned thing is hexed."

"Are you serious?"

"Come on, I'll show you."

Lydia followed me out to the car. "The gears have been working fine. Then all of a sudden the car will only run backwards. I was going to drive it home that way."

I got in. "Now watch."

I started the car and put it in first, let out the clutch. It jumped forward. I put it in second. It went into second and moved faster. I put it into third. It moved nicely forward. I made a U-turn and parked on the other side of the street. Lydia walked over.

"Listen," I said, "you've got to believe me. A minute ago the car would only run backwards. Now it's all right. Please believe me."

"I believe you," she said. "God did it. I believe in that sort of thing."

"It must mean something."

"It does."

I got out of the car. We walked into her house.

"Take off your shirt and shoes," she said, "and lay down on the bed. First I want to squeeze your blackheads."

The ex-Japanese wrestler who was into real estate sold Lydia 's house. She had to move out. There was Lydia, Tonto, Lisa and the dog, Bugbutt. In Los Angeles most landlords hang out the same sign: ADULTS ONLY. With two children and a dog it was very difficult. Only Lydia 's good looks could help her. A male landlord was needed.

I drove them all around town. It was useless. Then I stayed out of sight in the car. It still didn't work. As we drove along Lydia screamed out the window, "Isn't there anybody in this town who will rent to a woman with two kids and a dog?"

Unexpectedly a vacancy occurred in my court. I saw the people moving out and I went right down and talked to Mrs. O'Keefe.

"Listen," I said, "my girlfriend needs a place to live. She has two kids and a dog but they're all well-behaved. Will you let them move in?"

"I've seen that woman," said Mrs. O'Keefe. "Haven't you noticed her eyes? She's crazy."

"I know she's crazy. But I care for her. She has some good qualities, really."

"She's too young for you! What are you going to do with a young woman like that?"

I laughed.

Mr. O'Keefe walked up behind his wife. He looked at me through the screen door. "He's pussy-whipped, that's all. It's quite simple, he's pussy-whipped."

"How about it?" I asked.

"All right," said Mrs. O'Keefe. "Move her in…"

So Lydia rented a U-Haul and I moved her in. It was mostly clothes, all the heads she had sculpted, and a large washing machine.

"I don't like Mrs. O'Keefe," she told me. "Her husband looks all right, but I don't like her."

"She's a good Catholic sort. And you need a place to live."

"I don't want you drinking with those people. They're out to destroy you."

"I'm only paying 85 bucks a month rent. They treat me like a son. I have to have a beer with them now and then."

"Son, shit! You're almost as old as they are."

About three weeks passed. It was late one Saturday morning. I had not slept at Lydia 's the night before. I bathed and had a beer, got dressed. I disliked weekends. Everybody was out on the streets. Everybody was playing Ping-Pong or mowing their lawn or polishing their car or going to the supermarket or the beach or to the park. Crowds everywhere. Monday was my favorite day. Everybody was back on the job and out of sight. I decided to go to the racetrack despite the crowd. That would help kill Saturday. I ate a hard-boiled egg, had another beer and stepping out on my porch, locked the door. Lydia was outside playing with Bugbutt, the dog.

"Hi," she said.

"Hi," I said. "I'm going to the track."

Lydia walked over to me. "Listen, you know what the racetrack does to you."

She meant that I was always too tired to make love after going to the racetrack.

"You were drunk last night," she continued. "You were horrible. You frightened Lisa. I had to run you out."

"I'm going to the racetrack."

"All right, you go ahead and go to the racetrack. But if you do I won't be here when you get back."

I got into my car which was parked on the front lawn. I rolled down the windows and started the motor. Lydia was standing in the driveway. I waved goodbye to her and pulled out into the street. It was a nice summer day. I drove down to Hollywood Park. I had a new system. Each new system brought me closer and closer to wealth. It was simply a matter of time.

I lost $40 and drove home. I parked my car on the lawn and got out. As I walked around the porch to my door Mr. O'Keefe walked up the driveway. "She's gone!"

"What?"

"Your girl. She moved out."

I didn't answer.

"She rented a U-Haul and loaded her stuff in it. She was mad. You know that big washing machine?"