Colm Tóibín - Brooklyn

She found work on the shop floor boring and tiring, and often, especially in the early days of the week when they were not busy, the time went slowly. But Miss Fortini was always watching and noticed if anyone took a break they were not due or were late or seemed not ready to serve the next customer. Eilis was careful how she stood, and she watched out in case a customer needed her. She learned that time passed more slowly if she heeded the clock or if she thought about it at all, so she learned to be patient, and then, once she finished work and walked out of the store each day, she managed to put it out of her mind completely and enjoy the freedom.

One afternoon when she saw Father Flood coming into the store she thought nothing of it. Although she had not seen him there since the day when he was called by the Bartoccis, she knew that he was a friend of Mr. Bartocci and might have business with him. She noticed him speaking to Miss Fortini first and saw him glancing over at her and making as though he was going to come over towards her, but instead after some discussion with Miss Fortini they both went in the direction of the office. She served a customer and then, seeing that someone had unfolded a number of blouses, she went over and put them neatly back in their place. When she turned, Miss Fortini was coming towards her and there was something in the expression on her face that made Eilis want to retreat from her, move away quickly pretending that she had not seen her.

"I wonder if you could come to the office for a moment," Miss Fortini said.

Eilis asked herself if she had done something, if someone had accused her of something.

"What is it about?" she asked.

"I can't tell you," Miss Fortini said. "It's just best if you follow me."

In the way Miss Fortini turned and walked briskly ahead Eilis felt even more that she had done something wrong that had only now been discovered. When they moved from the shop floor and she was following Miss Fortini down a corridor, she stopped.

"I'm sorry," she said, "but you will have to tell me what this is about."

"I can't tell you," Miss Fortini said.

"Can you give me some idea?"

"It's something in your family."

"Something or someone?"

"Someone."

Immediately, Eilis thought that her mother might have had a heart attack or fallen down the stairs or that one of her brothers had had an accident in Birmingham.

"Which of them?" she asked.

Miss Fortini did not reply but walked on ahead of her again until she came to a door at the end of a corridor, which she opened. She stood back and let Eilis enter. It was a small room and Father Flood was alone sitting on a chair. He stood up hesitantly and indicated to Miss Fortini that she should leave them.

"Eilis," he said. "Eilis."

"Yes. What is it?"

"It's Rose."

"What happened to her?"

"Your mother found her dead this morning."

Eilis said nothing.

"She must have died in her sleep," Father Flood said.

"Died in her sleep?" Eilis asked, going over in her mind when she had last heard from Rose or from her mother and if there was any hint of anything wrong.

"Yes," he said. "It was sudden. She was out playing golf yesterday and in the best of form. She died in her sleep, Eilis."

"And my mother found her?"

"Yes."

"Do the others know?"

"Yes, and they're heading home on the mail-boat. She's being waked tonight."

Eilis now wondered if there was any way she could go out into the street, find a way to stop this from having happened, or stop him from having told her. In the silence she almost asked Father Flood to go and not come into the store again like this, but she realized instantly how foolish that was. He was here. She had heard what he said. She could not push back time.

"I've arranged for your mother to come up to the Manse in Enniscorthy tonight and we'll call her from the presbytery here."

"Was it one of the priests who contacted you?"

"Father Quaid," he said.

"Are they sure?" she asked and then quickly put her hand out to stop him replying. "I mean, it all happened today?"

"This morning in Ireland."

"I can't believe it," she said. "No warning."

"I spoke to Franco Bartocci by telephone earlier and he said to take you home, and I spoke to Mrs. Kehoe and if you give me Tony's address I will send him word as well and let him know."

"What will happen?" she asked.

"The funeral will be the day after tomorrow," he said.

It was the softness in his voice, the guarded way he avoided her eyes, that made her start to cry. And when he produced a large and clean white handkerchief that he clearly had in his pocket prepared for this, she became almost hysterical as she pushed him away.

"Why did I ever come over here?" she asked, but she knew that he could not understand her because she was sobbing so much. She took the handkerchief from him and blew her nose.

"Why did I ever come over here?" she asked again.

"Rose wanted a better life for you," he replied. "She only did what was good."

"I won't ever see her again now."

"She loved how well you were doing."

"I'll never see her again. Isn't that right?"

"It's very sad, Eilis. But she's in heaven now. That's what we should think about. And she'll be watching over you. And we'll all have to pray for your mother and for Rose's soul, and you know, Eilis, we have to remember that God's ways are not our ways."

"I wish I had never come over here."

As she began to cry again, she kept repeating, "I wish I had never come over here."

"I have the car parked outside and we can go to the presbytery. You know it will do you good to have a talk with your mother."

"I haven't heard her voice since I left," Eilis said. "It's just been letters. It's awful that this is the first time I am going to phone her."

"I know that, Eilis, and she'll feel that too. Father Quaid said that he would collect her and drive her up to the Manse. I'd guess she's in shock."

"What will I say to her?"

Her mother's voice was faltering at first; she sounded as though she were talking to herself and Eilis had to interrupt to tell her that she could not hear.

"Can you hear me now?" her mother asked.

"Yes, Mammy, I can. It's much better now."

"It's like she's asleep and it was the same this morning," her mother said. "I went in to call her and she was fast asleep and I said I'd leave her. But I knew as I went down the stairs. It wasn't like her to sleep in like that. I looked at the clock in the kitchen and said I'd give her ten minutes more and then when I went up and touched her she was stone cold."

"Oh, God, that's terrible."

"I whispered an act of contrition into her ear. Then I ran next door."

The silence on the line was broken only by some faint crackling noises.

"She died in the night in her sleep," her mother eventually continued. "That's what Dr. Cudigan said. She had been seeing the doctor without telling anyone and she went for tests without telling anyone. Rose knew, Eily, she knew that it could happen any time because of her heart. She had a bad heart, Dr. Cudigan said, and there was nothing could be done. She went on as normal. She knew that she had a bad heart and she decided to carry on playing golf and doing everything. The doctor said that he told her to take it easy, but, even if she had, it might have been the same. I don't know what to think, Eily. Maybe she was very brave."

"She told no one?"

"No one, Eily, no one at all. And she looks very peaceful now. I looked at her before I came out and I thought for a second she was still with us, she's so like herself. But she's gone, Eily. Rose has gone and that is the last thing in the world I thought was going to happen."

"Who's in the house now?"

"The neighbours are all there and your uncle Michael and they came down from Clonegal, all the Doyles, and they're there too. And I said when your daddy died that I shouldn't cry too much because I had you and Rose and the boys and when the boys left I said the same and when you left I had Rose, but I have no one at all now, Eily, I have no one."