Colm Tóibín - The Blackwater Lightship

'I'll get sheets from home,' her mother said.

'How was Granny when you told her?' Declan asked.

'She was worried about you,' Helen said.

They went outside "while Declan dressed.

'Do you know who this Paul is?' her mother asked.

'He's an old friend of Declan's. I think he's been very good.'

'This whole thing is a nightmare,' her mother said.

'Yes, I know. He seems so well. It's hard to believe.'

'You can drive us down,' her mother said. 'You're on holidays, aren't you?'

'Not exactly, but I can drive you down.'

When the drugs came, Paul and Declan began to clear out the room, putting rubbish into a black plastic bag and clothes and CDs into a holdall. Declan began to give Paul detailed instructions on how to get to his grandmother's house in Cush. Helen and her mother looked on, puzzled, as Declan told Paul to give these directions to Larry as well – Helen did not know who Larry was \a151 and ask him to come down to Cush too as soon as he could.

They set out for Wexford. Her mother fussed over Declan's comfort in the car and wondered whether he would be better in the front or the back. As they drove through the city, Declan in the back seat, her mother turned to him and said: 'Helen said on the way up that you were worried about how I'd react. Well, you needn't worry about that at all. You and Helen are the two people I care about most, and nothing would ever change that.'

'I should have told you before,' Declan said, 'but I couldn't bring myself to.'

They stopped at Dunnes Stores in Cornelscourt, where Helen left them in the car park and filled up a trolley in the supermarket with things they would need over the next few days. She did not know how her grandmother would respond to their arrival. She realised that for the first time in years – ten years, maybe \a151 she was back as a member of this family she had so determinedly tried to leave. For the first time in years they would all be under the same roof, as though nothing had happened. She realised, too, that the unspoken emotions between them in the car, and the sense that they were once more a unit, seemed utterly natural now that there was a crisis, a catalyst. She was back home, where she had hoped she

would never be again, and she felt, despite herself, almost relieved.

On the journey to Cush, her mother talked about her staff and her clients; she was trying hard, Helen believed, to be witty and bright. A few times they thought that Declan was asleep, but he turned out only to have his eyes closed. Her mother said that at some stage that evening Helen could drive her into Wexford and she could get her own car and bedclothes from home.

'We'll make you very comfortable, Declan,' her mother said.

'Do you think Granny will mind us barging in on top of her like this?' Declan asked.

'She's always loved you, Declan.'

'Yes, but will she not mind?' he asked.

'If she'd turn her telephone on, we could find out.'

'I think she'll want to help in every way she can, Declan,' Helen said.

It was still early evening when they arrived in Cush. Their grandmother came out and looked into the car, unable to make out who its occupants were.

'Is it Declan you have in the back?' she asked Helen when she opened the front door.

'He wanted to come down here for a while, Granny,' Helen said. 'We couldn't refuse him.'

'Oh come in, all of you. Lily, come in and bring Declan in with you.'

They left the car in the lane and" came into the house. Their grandmother turned off the television and moved over to the sink, where she began to fuss with the teapot and kettle. She kept her back to them while they remained uneasily in the kitchen. When Helen looked at Declan in this light, she saw for the first time how sick he was, how tight and drawn the skin on his face was, how tired his eyes seemed, and how shrunken his whole body had become.

Her mother had Declan sit down while her grandmother stood, washing up cups in the sink, although there was a row of clean cups on the dresser. The two cats watched them from their perch.

'Mammy,' their mother said, 'maybe we shouldn't be barging in on you like this.'

'No, Lily, I was worried about you all day.' Her face, Helen could see when she turned, was as unreadable as stone. 'I'll make tea,' she said, 'and I'll make sandwiches if you like, or will you be having a meal when you go home?'

Helen could not tell whether she was pretending not to understand that they wanted to stay here in the house, or whether she genuinely believed that they were on their way to Wexford. She tried to think back to what she had said to her when she got out of the car, but she was too tired to remember.

No one answered her grandmother, who now went outside, leaving the three of them to look at each other.

'Declan,' their mother said, 'we can drive into Wexford and you and Helen can stay in my house.'

He did not reply, but stared straight ahead of him. Helen wondered if he had built up a picture over days in bed of this house and the cliff and the sea and now the sight of it had disappointed and depressed him. He looked miserable.

Her grandmother came in with a bucket and left it down beside the sink. She filled the teapot from the kettle, once more turning her back to them. Declan closed his eyes and sighed. Her mother glanced sharply at Helen.

'Granny,' Declan said, 'they've let me out of hospital for a few days and I thought of coming down here and looking out at the view, and staying for a few days, but maybe it's too much for you.'

His grandmother turned and looked towards the window. 'Declan,' she said, 'you can always come down here. There's always a bed for you. Let us have a cup of tea first, and then we'll make sure you're all fixed up.'

By half-past nine they had been assigned beds. It was arranged that Declan would have the room he and Helen had shared all the years before, which gave on to the front of the house. Helen would have the room behind and her mother would have one of the upstairs rooms.

Some of Declan's medicine had to be put in the fridge; his grandmother made space for it, and they watched, half fascinated, half repelled, as Declan attached a small plastic container to a tube which ran directly into his chest. He went through his pills and took four of them with a glass of water.

'Granny, the doctor says I'm allergic to cats. It's not a problem as long as they don't come near me.'

'Oh, they stay up there if I have visitors, so I don't think they'll be troubling you.'

'I'm sure it's not a problem,' Declan said.

'Look at them, they know we are talking about them,' his grandmother said.

As darkness fell, Helen drove her mother into Wexford.

'She doesn't want us here,' Helen said as they came near Blackwater.

'Oh that's just pretence and nonsense,' her mother said. 'She likes company, you know.'

'She doesn't want us here,' Helen said again.

They remained silent until they reached the other side of Curracloe.

'How long have you known about Declan?' her mother asked.

'Since yesterday. I told you.'

'I mean, how long have you known that he had friends like Paul?'

'Like what?' Helen asked.

'You know like what.' Her mother sounded irritated.

'I've always known.'

'Don't be so stupid, Helen.'

'I've known for ten years, maybe more.'

'And you never told me?'

'I've never told you anything,' Helen said firmly.

'I hope nothing like this ever happens to you.'

'You sound as though you hope it does.'

'If I meant that, I would say it.'

'Oh you would, all right.'

They drove along the quays in Wexford until they came to Helen's mother's car. She did not speak before she got out; she banged the door as she left as though in temper and walked to her car. She drove towards Rosslare, Helen fallowing close behind, and then turned into a maze of side roads for several miles. Even the indicator of her car was in a rage, Helen felt.