Colm Tóibín - The Blackwater Lightship

'Now you must all remember', she was saying, 'that we are here for you. If your company installs a new system, or if you find that you need to expand your skills, then simply call us, just as you would call a plumber if you had a leak in the house, and we'll sort you out as quickly as possible, even if it means coming here in the evening or at the weekend. Just call us and we'll be here for you.'

Her mother stopped for a moment and put her glasses on again, peering once more at Helen as though to make sure that she had not been mistaken the first time.

'Now,' she went on, 'we began only as a provider of courses in computers and word processors, but, as we worked, we found that almost everyone coming here had a horror story about buying or installing a system, or about maintenance. So it is by default that we have the best range and the best sales and technical force in the southeast. And I can tell you that it wasn't hard to be the best. You can laugh all you like, but you'll find that our prices are lower, and we have a twenty-four-hour service. Our showrooms are on the floor below, but you're not here to buy computers, you're here to use them, and for each of you we have a special programme; we've studied your needs, and we're ready to start now. There's a machine here for each of you as well with your name on it, and if you could move your chairs to the computers, we'll start. The staff are the ones with name-tags on.'

Helen watched her mother moving towards the table beside a window which looked on to the harbour. Her mother spoke to one of the staff, then picked up a sheet of paper and looked at it. Helen resisted an urge to go back down to the street in the lift, drive to Dublin and inform Declan that he could send his friend from the European Commission to tell his mother. She waited as her mother moved about the room, checking names and details, clearly in command. Eventually, her mother moved towards her, but suddenly thought better of it and went back to the table beside the window. Once she had satisfied herself about something there, she crossed the room and approached Helen.

'I thought it was you when you came in, and I wondered had you come all the way down here to learn computers,' her mother said.

'No, thanks. Your offices are lovely.'

'It's all new,' her mother said.

'I need to talk to you. Is there a private office?'

'I don't have much time,' her mother said, but as soon as she had said it, she stopped and searched Helen's face. 'Has something happened?' she asked.

They went into a small private office opposite the lift. Her mother closed the door.

'What is it?' she asked.

Helen sighed. 'It's Declan.'

'Helen, tell me!'

'He's in hospital, in Dublin, and he wants to see you.'

'Has he had an accident? Has he hurt himself?'

'No, not that. He's sick, and he'd like to see you. He's been there for a while, but he didn't want to trouble us.'

'Trouble us? What is it you're talking about?'

'Mammy, Declan is really sick. Maybe it would be better if you talked to the doctors about it.'

'Helen, do you know what's wrong with him?'

'No, not exactly. But he wants to see you today. I have his car outside and I can drive you to the hospital. He's in St James's.'

Her mother went to a desk and flicked through her diary until she found the right week.

'What day's today?' she asked.

'Wednesday.'

'Right. You wait outside and I'll make two phone calls and then I'll be with you.'

'Why don't I see you in White's?'

'If you wait outside, I won't be a second.'

They drove to Dublin as the day brightened. Her mother did not speak until they were beyond Gorey.

'I hate this road,' she said. 'I hate every inch of it. I never thought I would have to travel on it again on my way to a hospital.'

'I stayed with Granny last night,' Helen said.

'You went down to her first? Why didn't you come to me first?'

Helen did not reply; she stared straight ahead, concentrated on the road.

'Oh that's right, don't answer me now,' her mother said.

'Hugh and the boys are in Donegal,' Helen said.

'I don't know how he puts up with you,' her mother said.

They drove in silence until they reached the dual carriageway. Her mother pulled down the sunshade and began to put on lipstick using the small mirror.

'I have to tell you what's wrong,' Helen said.

'You've left me waiting for an hour and a half,' her mother said, looking at her watch.

'He has AIDS, he's had it for a long time, and he has kept it from us.'

She could feel her mother holding her breath as a dark shadow seemed to pass in front of the car.

'How long have you known?' her mother asked.

'Since yesterday.'

'Does your granny know?'

'Yes, I told her.'

Her mother pushed back the sunshade and put the lipstick back into the make-up bag: 'Is he very sick? How sick is he?'

'He's very sick, but it's not clear how sick.'

'And there's no cure, is there?'

'No, there's no cure.'

'And how long has he had it?'

'For years.'

'And how long has he been in the hospital?'

'I don't know.'

'Why did he keep it from us?'

Once more, Helen did not reply. Suddenly, it started to rain, and when she switched the wipers on, they began to tear against the windscreen. She turned them off, but the rain was coining too hard and she could not see, so she turned them on again. Her mother remained silent until they reached Bray. Battling with the windscreen wipers distracted Helen from her mother's sighing and clenching her fists and facing towards her as though about to say something and then facing away again.

Eventually, she spoke. 'Just when I have managed to pick myself up, this happens now.'

The rain stopped and Helen turned the wipers off.

'Why couldn't Declan have told me himself?' her mother asked.

'He was very worried about how you would react,' Helen said.

'And is that why he sent you to tell me?'

Helen stared at the road ahead. When she saw a double-decker bus, she thought of asking her mother to make her own way to the hospital, but it was a thought which she did not entertain for long. She softened and tried to imagine what it must be like for her.

'I think he felt that at a time like this we would all forget our differences,' Helen said.

'Well, I don't notice any difference in you,' her mother said.

'Bear with me, I'm making an effort,' Helen said. She could not keep the dry tone out of her voice.

By the time they reached the hospital Helen believed that the car would explode if either of them tried to speak. She parked it in the car park Paul had used, and they walked to the wing where Declan was.

'The doctor said that the consultant will see us at any time.'

'Is Declan in a private room?'

'Yes.'

'What does he look like?'

For one moment Helen felt a great tenderness towards her mother and wanted to say something which would make things easier. She was close to tears.

'No, he looks all right. I think he's afraid.'

'And the consultant? What's he like?'

'It's a she. I didn't meet her, but they say she's nice.'

At reception, they asked for the consultant, and when she could not be located Helen asked for the doctor whom she had met the previous day. They waited in silence. After a while, the consultant and the young doctor arrived together. The consultant was much smaller and younger than Helen had imagined. She was almost girlish. It took her mother a while to realise that this was the consultant. She brought them down a corridor to an office.

'Now, doctor,' Helen's mother said as soon as they sat down, 'could you give us your considered opinion on the case?'

'I'm afraid I'll have to be very blunt,' the consultant said.