Adaobi Nwaubani - I Do Not Come to You by Chance

I went on to read about how he got to know that he was being scammed through a co-worker whom he had asked for a loan and how he had been in and out of hospital ever since; how his therapist had suggested that he contact the Oprah and Montel shows for an opportunity to tell the world what he had been through.

As usual, Cash Daddy had been right. Mr Hooverson, described me as ‘a YOUNG MAN in his twenties who looked and sounded WELL-EDUCATED and who had a very HONEST FACE’. He had even attached copies of all our email correspondence. Honestly, these white people were so funny. Did they really think that everybody else had the energy to expend on all sorts of fanciful troubles like they did? Dr Ribadu was too busy running after the billions of dollars that were going missing from the national and state coffers every day. When would the poor man have time to read all this?

But letter writing was my source of income, so I had all the time in the world to reply.

Dear Edgar Hooverson (Mr),

Re: INTERNATIONAL COLLABORATION AGAINST ADVANCE FEE FRAUD (VICTIMS REIMBURSEMENT)

Thank you for your prompt response. I am happy to inform you that, right now, we have in our custody a number of gangs of scammers who have been operating from Amsterdam for the past few years. We have seized all their assets and frozen all their accounts. We are currently working with the FBI to ensure that all the monies recovered are returned to their rightful owners.

From your story, it appears that you might have been one of their victims. I am glad to see that we have your full cooperation. The millions of dollars contained in their accounts will be used to refund as many victims as we can contact. We promise to do our best to ensure that all your stolen funds are returned to you.

Please send us any documented proof of whatever payments you made to the scammers. This should help us calculate exactly how much to refund you.

To facilitate the process of retrieving your funds, we would require a payment of $5,000 US dollars for the International Collaboration fees. This payment should be received within the next two weeks. Your stolen funds will be ready for clearance four days after payment.

I hope this unfortunate encounter will not prevent you from doing business with Nigerians in future. There are many great Nigerians helping to move the economies of the world forward.

Yours faithfully,

Dr Nuhu Ribadu

Director, Economic and Financial Crimes Commission

Abuja, Nigeria.

We never saw Azuka again. Four days after he was due back in Nigeria, I rang the Tehran hotel and confirmed that he had not come back to his room since his first night. I rang the airline and was informed that his return ticket had not yet been used. I rang his mugu’s contact numbers and was greeted by a polite female voice who responded in Arabic from beginning to end. Or maybe the language was Iranian. After a week of searching and trying, the whole Central Intelligence Agency was bleak with despair.

‘Kings, do you think he’s been arrested?’ Buchi asked.

‘I have no idea.’

‘But had he seen the mugu by the time he called you?’ Wizard asked.

‘No. They had spoken, but he was just leaving the hotel for the meeting. The hotel said he hasn’t come back since. All his stuff is still in the room.’

‘Can’t we go to the Iranian Embassy and make a report?’ Buchi asked.

‘How can?’ Wizard and Ogbonna replied at the same time.

‘Even if we pretend to be his relatives,’ I explained, ‘that means we’ll have to give them our contact details to get back to us when they find him. That could just be a neat trap for them to catch all of us.’

The two new recruits flashed wide open eyes, their faces flooded with dread.

‘How about the Nigerian Embassy in Tehran?’ one of them asked.

‘Who will we tell them we’re looking for?’ Ogbonna asked back. ‘Sheik Shamshudeen or what?’

‘What do you think they could have done to him?’ the second one asked.

‘Ah,’ Wizard replied. ‘You know in Iran they use Sharia law. They can either cut off his two hands or just behead him. Simple.’

There was a deathly silence.

‘Kings, maybe you should let Cash Daddy know,’ Buchi suggested quietly.

‘Let’s wait a little and see what happens,’ I replied. ‘I’ll try to think of something.’

After all, it was all my fault. Why had I changed Azuka’s mind about his bad luck? His pessimism might have been his salvation. Perhaps, I did not present my misgivings strongly enough. He might have been dissuaded from going.

‘We’re here worrying ourselves,’ Wizard said with an attempt at cheer in his voice. ‘For all we know, they might have given him seventy virgins to keep him busy. That might be why he’s forgotten to call.’

Nobody laughed.

I went through the rest of the day’s tasks like a zombie. All my colleagues looked as if they had been sautéed in a deep fog. I thought, kept thinking, and continued thinking, but no solution came to mind. This 419 thing had always been like a game to me – hooking mugus, making hits, returning to the scene of the crime and making more hits. For the first time, I was seeing a chill wind in our game. My sang-froid was in ribbons.

Eventually, I rang Merit. Thankfully, her evening was free.

‘I’ll be at your house around six,’ I said.

‘OK, I’ll ask my brother to watch out for you.’

At least there was something cheerful to look forward to after all this gloom. Merit’s company was a true delight. She could discuss any topic intelligently, her opinions always made sense, but unlike Ola, she was quick to say whatever she thought. At first, I was concerned that she might be an Aunty Dimma in training, but Merit knew the limits of womanhood. On one of the evenings we were out together, I got tired of wincing each time she leaned towards me and finally told her what I thought of her new hairdo.

‘You look much better with your natural hair,’ I said. ‘I don’t think you need to use hair extensions.’

Plus, the hair reminded me too much of the Camille crew. There was never any of them who did not have someone else’s hair stitched into her scalp.

For almost thirty minutes after my comment, Merit made her strong arguments for hair extensions. At a point, I just kept quiet and let her talk.

‘And who says it’s someone else’s hair?’ she concluded. ‘After all, I paid for it with my own money.’

Nevertheless, she had taken off the extensions the very next day.

After all was said and done, I preferred a girl who was forthright from the beginning to one who was coy and submissive when things were good and who ended up shutting you out coldly when things went bad.

And best of all, since meeting Merit, I had never once rung Camille.

Days later, I was still worrying about Azuka. I acknowledged defeat at last. Cash Daddy’s phone rang out the first time. The second time, he answered after seven rings. His environment sounded rowdy.

‘Cash Daddy, please, there’s something I’d like to discuss with you.’

‘What is it?’

‘It’s about the office.’

‘What type of rubbish is that?’ he yelled. ‘Why didn’t he sign the document?’

I heard a cowering response from someone in the background and was relieved to realise that my uncle had not been talking to me.

‘And so what if it’s not their policy?’ he yelled on.

The beneficiary of his tirade said something.

‘What car does he drive?’ Cash Daddy asked.

I did not hear the response.

‘Burn down that old car and resurrect another one for him within three days,’ Cash Daddy replied. ‘Then take that document back for him to sign.’